Summer. Cat calling. Oh don't those two fit hand in hand.
Last week I was lucky enough to be informed, through the act of cat calling, that men found me attractive. Oh what a privilege that was. Finally I could believe that I was beautiful. Thank god I could finally see my own beauty, my own worth...oh wait I've known that for years and it didn't come about because a few twenty something guys told me.
No, I don't like cat calling. No it's not complimentary; it's just plain rude.
It isn't because I'm a feminist.
It's because I'm a self respecting female who doesn't wish to be treated as an object.
Why, why, why. Why do people find it necessary to voice their opinions in a gross and degrading way.
Yes I often aim to look good but, if you're going to be distasteful about it then please just keep your opinions to yourself. I do not need your approval to feel good about myself. I do not base how I look on how many men I can catch the attention of.
Do people really still believe that is a nice and considerate thing to do? Have people ever believed that or has cat calling always been a way to show dominance and power?
Don't cat call me. Don't cat call me. Don't fucking cat call me.
I am a 17 year old girl. I am not an object who exists for your pleasure. I am going to go far in this world and no, it's not because of how I look.
Don't objectify me. I am a human being and I deserve to be treated like one.
I shouldn't have to think twice about what I'm wearing because I may get made to feel uncomfortable by men who seem to be unable to keep their opinions to themselves.
Am I being naïve about this whole thing? Am I missing something? Was the educating on how to be a moron something I missed out on because of my sex?
Cat calling is not appropriate, not in summer, not ever.
What do people gain from making others feel uncomfortable?
There is nothing and I mean nothing pleasant about being cat called. All it does is make that person feel like nothing more than an object who isn't even worthy enough to be respected as a human being.
So next time you open your foul mouth to shout some form of sexist remark, don't. Instead to something much nicer, be a decent human being and keep your mouth shut.
--- Aimee ---
Thursday, 26 May 2016
Thursday, 5 May 2016
Confessions of an Uninspired Writer
It's currently 21:11 and I have some time to spare so I figured I would blog.
I'm frantically looking round my room trying to find an object which will spark off a genius idea for a post but so far I have had no luck.
I guess that it would help matters if my room wasn't so full of uninteresting 'organised' crap.
Oh I could talk about my DVD collection and how I have only watched half of them. Or maybe talk about my Dr Who box sets and how, despite love for it I haven't actually watched an episode since last summer. It's not that I haven't wanted to but I just know once I start the first episode I won't stop there and I have more important things to do than binge watch four series of Dr Who. (No I do not see how you could watch any series since David Tennant left.)
Maybe I could write something about the books hidden in my wardrobe and how they have shaped my life in the most magical way. I mean sure, I could do that but there is that fact I have only read less than a quarter of the books I own. There are well over 50 book sat lonely on my shelf that I haven't even considered to read since I brought it.
One day I will get round to it and have the time and the effort to read them, I don't want to not experience the wonders that lie between the pages, what a waste that would be. Sure I haven't got round to it yet but at least they look pretty.
Is there perhaps something to say in the jars of artsy crap I brought last summer when I was certain that I would really get into sewing and being creative. I'm still holding on to the hope that one day I will put all those materials to good use.
What about the keyboard hidden out of sight in my wardrobe, purchased second hand four years ago and the most I've used it was for about a week last summer. Sure, I learnt a few songs but only the notes, I didn't have the patience or skill to start learning chords too.
Maybe I could write about the clutter that is currently sat in the top of my wadrobe but what's the point, if it's not worthy enough to have on display in my room then it's probably not worthy enough of me writing about it.
Is it worthwhile me mentioning my collection of Me to You bears in my window which are just sitting there and getting dusty as the days pass? Maybe I should shamefully mention that I just had to move and check what they were actually called because it's been at least three years since my collection has been added to so now they are just a piece of who I was which have far too many memories attached to for me to get rid of.
Could I write to admit that I am wearing aged 8-10 Disney pyjama bottoms which make me feel like Jennifer Aniston in that episode of Friends where she looked super cute...who am I kidding, that is literally every episode. I'm just as shocked as you that these bottoms still fit me, have I not grown at all in 7 years? Oh well, it would be a lie to say this is the only piece of clothing which I should have outgrown long ago.
If I glance left I can see masses of CD albums, most of which have been neglect. Not neglected in an awful way, just in the sense they haven't been listened to since purchase. Do I admit that my music varies from Steps and Westlife to My Chemical Romance and Slaves?
In all honesty my eyes keep wandering back to my elephant duvet and how I have a supposed 'elephant obsession'. I didn't think I did or maybe it just never considered it. It's only a duvet, ornament, canvas, necklace, dress and teddy (and phone case as I have just been reminded.) Alright maybe I see where this rumour came from.
In the most basic form, all that makes up my room belong to three groups; who I am, who I was and who I one day hope to be. Hmm, I've never of thought of it in that way until now. Maybe I don't need half this stuff. Maybe I should move on from some of the things which, unpleasantly, remind me of who I was. Maybe I should give in and accept I may never use my artsy stuff, perhaps it has always been a lost cause that I just haven't accepted.
Do I now confess that I had meant to write a really deep post but in reality have just written about what I can see in my room? Not that it's all bad, my room is pretty damn cool and, for once, pretty flipping tidy too.
--- Aimee ---
I'm frantically looking round my room trying to find an object which will spark off a genius idea for a post but so far I have had no luck.
I guess that it would help matters if my room wasn't so full of uninteresting 'organised' crap.
Oh I could talk about my DVD collection and how I have only watched half of them. Or maybe talk about my Dr Who box sets and how, despite love for it I haven't actually watched an episode since last summer. It's not that I haven't wanted to but I just know once I start the first episode I won't stop there and I have more important things to do than binge watch four series of Dr Who. (No I do not see how you could watch any series since David Tennant left.)
Maybe I could write something about the books hidden in my wardrobe and how they have shaped my life in the most magical way. I mean sure, I could do that but there is that fact I have only read less than a quarter of the books I own. There are well over 50 book sat lonely on my shelf that I haven't even considered to read since I brought it.
One day I will get round to it and have the time and the effort to read them, I don't want to not experience the wonders that lie between the pages, what a waste that would be. Sure I haven't got round to it yet but at least they look pretty.
Is there perhaps something to say in the jars of artsy crap I brought last summer when I was certain that I would really get into sewing and being creative. I'm still holding on to the hope that one day I will put all those materials to good use.
What about the keyboard hidden out of sight in my wardrobe, purchased second hand four years ago and the most I've used it was for about a week last summer. Sure, I learnt a few songs but only the notes, I didn't have the patience or skill to start learning chords too.
Maybe I could write about the clutter that is currently sat in the top of my wadrobe but what's the point, if it's not worthy enough to have on display in my room then it's probably not worthy enough of me writing about it.
Is it worthwhile me mentioning my collection of Me to You bears in my window which are just sitting there and getting dusty as the days pass? Maybe I should shamefully mention that I just had to move and check what they were actually called because it's been at least three years since my collection has been added to so now they are just a piece of who I was which have far too many memories attached to for me to get rid of.
Could I write to admit that I am wearing aged 8-10 Disney pyjama bottoms which make me feel like Jennifer Aniston in that episode of Friends where she looked super cute...who am I kidding, that is literally every episode. I'm just as shocked as you that these bottoms still fit me, have I not grown at all in 7 years? Oh well, it would be a lie to say this is the only piece of clothing which I should have outgrown long ago.
If I glance left I can see masses of CD albums, most of which have been neglect. Not neglected in an awful way, just in the sense they haven't been listened to since purchase. Do I admit that my music varies from Steps and Westlife to My Chemical Romance and Slaves?
In all honesty my eyes keep wandering back to my elephant duvet and how I have a supposed 'elephant obsession'. I didn't think I did or maybe it just never considered it. It's only a duvet, ornament, canvas, necklace, dress and teddy (and phone case as I have just been reminded.) Alright maybe I see where this rumour came from.
In the most basic form, all that makes up my room belong to three groups; who I am, who I was and who I one day hope to be. Hmm, I've never of thought of it in that way until now. Maybe I don't need half this stuff. Maybe I should move on from some of the things which, unpleasantly, remind me of who I was. Maybe I should give in and accept I may never use my artsy stuff, perhaps it has always been a lost cause that I just haven't accepted.
Do I now confess that I had meant to write a really deep post but in reality have just written about what I can see in my room? Not that it's all bad, my room is pretty damn cool and, for once, pretty flipping tidy too.
--- Aimee ---
Monday, 18 April 2016
The Danger of Analysing
We are the generation who are taught time and time again to 'find the deeper meaning'. I can't think of one English lesson I have had in the past few years where we haven't been made to analyse a text until we find the message the author was hinting at when he described a woman in a red dress.
I do get it. Often there are many hidden meanings which people just don't see.
But sometimes, just sometimes we are looking for a message that isn't there. Sometimes we, as humans, just need to accept that nothing more is meant than what is written on the page.
The issue of doing this is we are being taught to keep analysing the different meanings of all these things. Analyse, analyse, analyse. Keep looking until you find another reason.
Not all of us are able to leave that analysing skill in the classroom. Too often does the same thing happen in our daily lives. We are being taught to analyse novels and poems in so much depth so why stop there? Why not use this skill in our daily lives and look so deeply into what someone says that it tears us apart trying to figure out the meaning.
When your friend mentions one habit of yours that annoys them why not take it to mean they are debating their friendship with you and wondering how much more annoyance they can take before they want out.
Most of the time it's totally irrational which makes explaining it to others very difficult. How does someone explain that a simple 'morning' instead of 'good morning' affected their whole day and made them think they were in the wrong for something?
Whether we realise it or not, it is ruining our lives. One word at a time our minds are being destroyed by everything that isn't being said.
We are nervous. Worried that we aren't seeing the true meaning of something, worried that we should be looking further into what our friends say to us to find those words that they can't say.
We don't get a reply for a few hours and assume we are a bother, a pain, annoying. Isn't it more likely that the person is eating, doing work, out? It's jumping to conclusions that don't exist. Believing in the unrealistic situations which we picture in our imaginative minds.
We are human. We aren't well planned novels. No one has created us with a further meaning that what is on the surface. Yes, we are complicated but we are not a combination of messages and hidden meanings.
To listen to the wise words of Ted Mosby 'maybe... maybe a locket's just a locket, and... a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing.'
Perhaps sometimes it is logical to really think about things, to find that other meaning that isn't obvious but other times it just ruins things. You find yourself making up stuff which never happened, thinking people mean things that they have never even said.
Chances are if you are forever finding these other messages which aren't obvious it's just your mind analysing a situation to exhaustion. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you broken or damaged.
It simply means that life might be a bit harder for you but that's ok, hopefully it will all be useful one day.
--- Aimee ---
I do get it. Often there are many hidden meanings which people just don't see.
But sometimes, just sometimes we are looking for a message that isn't there. Sometimes we, as humans, just need to accept that nothing more is meant than what is written on the page.
The issue of doing this is we are being taught to keep analysing the different meanings of all these things. Analyse, analyse, analyse. Keep looking until you find another reason.
Not all of us are able to leave that analysing skill in the classroom. Too often does the same thing happen in our daily lives. We are being taught to analyse novels and poems in so much depth so why stop there? Why not use this skill in our daily lives and look so deeply into what someone says that it tears us apart trying to figure out the meaning.
When your friend mentions one habit of yours that annoys them why not take it to mean they are debating their friendship with you and wondering how much more annoyance they can take before they want out.
Most of the time it's totally irrational which makes explaining it to others very difficult. How does someone explain that a simple 'morning' instead of 'good morning' affected their whole day and made them think they were in the wrong for something?
Whether we realise it or not, it is ruining our lives. One word at a time our minds are being destroyed by everything that isn't being said.
We are nervous. Worried that we aren't seeing the true meaning of something, worried that we should be looking further into what our friends say to us to find those words that they can't say.
We don't get a reply for a few hours and assume we are a bother, a pain, annoying. Isn't it more likely that the person is eating, doing work, out? It's jumping to conclusions that don't exist. Believing in the unrealistic situations which we picture in our imaginative minds.
We are human. We aren't well planned novels. No one has created us with a further meaning that what is on the surface. Yes, we are complicated but we are not a combination of messages and hidden meanings.
To listen to the wise words of Ted Mosby 'maybe... maybe a locket's just a locket, and... a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing.'
Perhaps sometimes it is logical to really think about things, to find that other meaning that isn't obvious but other times it just ruins things. You find yourself making up stuff which never happened, thinking people mean things that they have never even said.
Chances are if you are forever finding these other messages which aren't obvious it's just your mind analysing a situation to exhaustion. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make you broken or damaged.
It simply means that life might be a bit harder for you but that's ok, hopefully it will all be useful one day.
--- Aimee ---
Friday, 1 April 2016
Finding Friendship
Friends. I never did have any issues with friends. I didn't have a large group or any more than 10 close friends but I didn't see any issue with that. I was always content with the friends I did have. Maybe a small part of me wished I was more popular or more well liked but it didn't largely affect me.
In the first few weeks of sixth form I became good friends with Grace. We had tutor and 4 lessons a week together, it made sense to be friends. We spoke in tutor and in lessons but I had other people who I hung out with (not that that lasted long).
She was able to help me and be there when others wouldn't. It gave me comfort to know I had someone there no matter what. We started hanging out more and soon became close friends.
My counsellor mentioned week after week that maybe things would be better if I had a group of friends, not just a number of friends from different groups.
I didn't understand what she meant.
I didn't think that being part of a group was the answer to all my problems. Sure, I didn't want to be alone but being alone wasn't the root of my problems.
She asked if there was any group I could join but I gave good reasons for why attempting to be part of each would be a bad idea. There was always one or two people who I knew I wouldn't get on with in each group and I didn't want to get involved in what, in many cases, was many years worth of friendship.
I didn't want to be that one person in a group who doesn't quite fit. I feared more judgment for even attempting to do so.
I wouldn't say I was immensely happy with having a single friend to be with all the time. It was enough for me but I felt a severe amount of judgement from my peers.
Lets not pretend like we don't judge anyone who is on their own or with the same person for large amounts of their time as an outcast and someone to stay clear of. There is obviously a reason they are alone so why would anyone want to get involved and find out more? Just stay safe and let things be how they have been. No disruptions. No change in opinion.
One of Grace's friends, Jack, often sat with us in tutor although I will admit now we barely spoke. I was scared of talking to him and he was scared of talking to me. I didn't fancy embarrassing myself in front of someone I barely knew so I simply spoke to Grace and sat awkwardly when she and Jack spoke.
The main reason me and Grace started talking was we were two of four girls in our Computing class. Neither of us really knew each other but we got on well. After we were getting homework in the subject which we struggled to complete, we decided to find help.
How convenient that Jack did computing too.
A Facebook group was soon formed and we often got help with our work along with having various odd conversations regarding a variety of people.
Following our other friend from our class dropping the subject, the group consisted of myself, Grace and Jack.
At school Grace and I sometimes hung around with Jack and his friend Mark. We all got on well and Mark soon got added to our group.
On the last day of term at Christmas we went to town where Grace ditched me for a train which she missed (serves you right Grace) and I got left in McDonalds with three people I barely knew (the third being Jack and Mark's friend Jamie). Needless to say it was the most awkward McDonalds of my life.
Going back to school after the Christmas holidays saw the four of us being together more and more with a blossoming group dynamic. It made me happy (and still does) to have found an actual group of friends after so long being without one.
I now feel like I belong somewhere again. My counsellor was right, it did help. I didn't understand it at the time but now I do. There is something special about a friendship group and I'm not sure anyone can truly explain the effects it has.
People really don't appreciate it enough. It's not all that easy to find people who want to be friends with you or want to spend time with you. Please cherish the friends you have, you may need them more than you realise.
Finding people who are so easy to get on with is a hard task and not always something you set out to do. Sometimes things just work out in a way you never thought they would and you can no longer remember the sad and lonely times.
Sometimes all you need is a place to belong and to feel safe. Somewhere where you are comfortable and happy.
I am truly thankful to have such wonderful friends like these three.
So, Jack, Grace and Mark, thank you. Thank you very much. You are all truly wonderful people and I hope you know what you mean to me. I wish you all the best and the upmost happiness, you really and truly deserve it. Thank you for all the happiness you have brought me and the brilliant memories. I love you all very, very much.
Being part of a group is very underrated, especially by those who have never been without one. Its hard when you don't have anywhere to belong to. It's likely that the same situation will occur come September when Jack and Mark leave for university but that's still 5 months away. For now I will just cherish the friendship I have with these three and be thankful for every moment.
--- Aimee ---
In the first few weeks of sixth form I became good friends with Grace. We had tutor and 4 lessons a week together, it made sense to be friends. We spoke in tutor and in lessons but I had other people who I hung out with (not that that lasted long).
She was able to help me and be there when others wouldn't. It gave me comfort to know I had someone there no matter what. We started hanging out more and soon became close friends.
My counsellor mentioned week after week that maybe things would be better if I had a group of friends, not just a number of friends from different groups.
I didn't understand what she meant.
I didn't think that being part of a group was the answer to all my problems. Sure, I didn't want to be alone but being alone wasn't the root of my problems.
She asked if there was any group I could join but I gave good reasons for why attempting to be part of each would be a bad idea. There was always one or two people who I knew I wouldn't get on with in each group and I didn't want to get involved in what, in many cases, was many years worth of friendship.
I didn't want to be that one person in a group who doesn't quite fit. I feared more judgment for even attempting to do so.
I wouldn't say I was immensely happy with having a single friend to be with all the time. It was enough for me but I felt a severe amount of judgement from my peers.
Lets not pretend like we don't judge anyone who is on their own or with the same person for large amounts of their time as an outcast and someone to stay clear of. There is obviously a reason they are alone so why would anyone want to get involved and find out more? Just stay safe and let things be how they have been. No disruptions. No change in opinion.
One of Grace's friends, Jack, often sat with us in tutor although I will admit now we barely spoke. I was scared of talking to him and he was scared of talking to me. I didn't fancy embarrassing myself in front of someone I barely knew so I simply spoke to Grace and sat awkwardly when she and Jack spoke.
The main reason me and Grace started talking was we were two of four girls in our Computing class. Neither of us really knew each other but we got on well. After we were getting homework in the subject which we struggled to complete, we decided to find help.
How convenient that Jack did computing too.
A Facebook group was soon formed and we often got help with our work along with having various odd conversations regarding a variety of people.
Following our other friend from our class dropping the subject, the group consisted of myself, Grace and Jack.
At school Grace and I sometimes hung around with Jack and his friend Mark. We all got on well and Mark soon got added to our group.
On the last day of term at Christmas we went to town where Grace ditched me for a train which she missed (serves you right Grace) and I got left in McDonalds with three people I barely knew (the third being Jack and Mark's friend Jamie). Needless to say it was the most awkward McDonalds of my life.
Going back to school after the Christmas holidays saw the four of us being together more and more with a blossoming group dynamic. It made me happy (and still does) to have found an actual group of friends after so long being without one.
I now feel like I belong somewhere again. My counsellor was right, it did help. I didn't understand it at the time but now I do. There is something special about a friendship group and I'm not sure anyone can truly explain the effects it has.
People really don't appreciate it enough. It's not all that easy to find people who want to be friends with you or want to spend time with you. Please cherish the friends you have, you may need them more than you realise.
Finding people who are so easy to get on with is a hard task and not always something you set out to do. Sometimes things just work out in a way you never thought they would and you can no longer remember the sad and lonely times.
Sometimes all you need is a place to belong and to feel safe. Somewhere where you are comfortable and happy.
I am truly thankful to have such wonderful friends like these three.
So, Jack, Grace and Mark, thank you. Thank you very much. You are all truly wonderful people and I hope you know what you mean to me. I wish you all the best and the upmost happiness, you really and truly deserve it. Thank you for all the happiness you have brought me and the brilliant memories. I love you all very, very much.
Being part of a group is very underrated, especially by those who have never been without one. Its hard when you don't have anywhere to belong to. It's likely that the same situation will occur come September when Jack and Mark leave for university but that's still 5 months away. For now I will just cherish the friendship I have with these three and be thankful for every moment.
--- Aimee ---
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Kiss From A Rose
Rose Dawson. A remarkable and incredibly independent woman.
Yes Jack saves her but she is no damsel in distress.
The only role Jack really plays is assisting Rose to see the value of life. He provides her with a reason to live, a passion to continue. It is evident at the end of the film that her life adventures were inspired by Jack's outlook on life. People don't live their lives in a certain way because of someone they had a fling with told them too, there was true love between Jack and Rose, an unbreakable bond.
Rose isn't perfect, she is deeply flawed. She is an outsider. Too well brought up for the likes of third class but bearing qualities frowned upon by those in first class.
Her suicide attempt isn't a beg for help. She has no intention of a young, handsome man coming to her rescue. She isn't aware that anyone cares, she only cares about her own well being. Her attempt isn't dramatic, she truly believes she will go through with her plan.
Rose isn't take prisoner by some fairy-tale villain, she is a prisoner of her own thoughts, her own mind. Her suffering isn't on display for all to see, few barely notice she is suffering at all making her pain even more agonising to witness.
Not only does she believe that she won't be saved, she doesn't want to be saved. It takes a very selfless hero to save someone who has no intention of being saved. A total of 5 minutes sees Jack as a saviour and hero, the rest of the film sees him as the other half of Rose. The two are equal, one a woman, one a third class passenger, how much lower in society could the two get?
Prior to meeting Jack it is evident that 'her' decisions aren't hers at all but those forced upon her by her fiancé, Cal. The relationship status of 'fiancé' of course means ownership. Rose has always been (as far as the audience are aware) an obedient wife, never stepping out of line. She simply assumes her position as the property of Cal.
Rose isn't stupid. Her marriage to Cal is not her choice but she understands the consequences of rejecting such a proposal. She is simply waiting, waiting for the chance when she can safely escape the clutches of Cal. Jack is able to give Rose the power she needs to break away from her pain. She is a woman trapped in the mould society created for her and she will not settle for this.
Rose makes her own decisions, once she has her power she does not waste it.
There is no forcing of decisions. He lets her make the choice of not jumping. He doesn't force a relationship upon her but instead allows her to make the decision to continue seeing him. Jack recognises Rose's fierce attitude and doesn't dare interfere.
It is Rose who picks Jack over Cal. It is Rose who makes the decision to get back onto the sinking ship to find Jack. It is Rose who makes the decision to save Jack. She doesn't save him because she is told to, she does so because she cares a great deal.
Rose isn't an extreme example of a woman with power, nothing bad happens because she speaks her mind. If more woman were like Rose I highly doubt the world would end in a burning fireball.
The two bring out the best in each other, there is no doubt about that. Jack saves Rose from jumping, Rose saves Jack from his capture. The relationship is clearly two way and clearly more than a four day fling.
The line 'Rose. Rose Dawson' makes my heart melt. She owes her life to Jack and this is her tribute to him. Without him she wouldn't be the same person and, more importantly, it is unlikely she would still be alive.
And, if you still don't believe that Rose means business then picture the scene where she roams the corridors with an axe, she isn't just the pretty fiancée of Cal, she is her own woman.
Of course the film shares it's strong links with the classic Romeo and Juliet. Two forbidden lovers. A blossoming romance. A tragic end. James Cameron himself pitched the film as a Romeo and Juliet style love story.
I personally think Romeo and Juliet is wonderful (even if the film adaption is shockingly bad) but Juliet isn't the strongest woman. A product of her time means she can only ever be a secondary figure to the men in her life. No quality can set her apart from other women of her time, not in the way that Rose is able to.
The only power Juliet is given in the play is when she is dead. It only seems right I suppose that giving a living woman power would be far too disastrous and catastrophic. There is no harm that Juliet can do once she is no longer breathing.
'For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.'
In the most heart-breaking line in the entire play Juliet is finally regarded as more than an object or lover of Romeo. It takes the entirety of the play for Juliet to be given her power. Power in the form of ownership of her husband, her dead husband.
Shakespeare got it right. He was 'her' Romeo. The two belonged together, not in a possessive and controlling way but rather in a romantic and love driven way. They could not exist as two separate beings, only together.
It really is a pity that the glorious Romeo and Juliet is constantly overlooked and passed off as a 'meaningless romance'. But, compared to so many other romances of today there is only one clear factor which makes this exquisite love story to be regarded as foolish, rushed and silly, the ending. Had their relationship worked out and continued to blossom and grow people would have a far different opinion on the story. Comments such as 'oh how romantic to have found each other like that' rather than the more common 'it was a stupid teenage romance'.
Do most teenage romances end with one being distraught at the idea of living without the other or do they usually cry a bit and move on?
Both stories are that of true love.
The short time scales are not to say that the relationships themselves were rapid and rushed. The love doesn't make either story tragic, the death aspect does. But what would make either story popular if they lived happily ever after?
--- Aimee ---
Yes Jack saves her but she is no damsel in distress.
The only role Jack really plays is assisting Rose to see the value of life. He provides her with a reason to live, a passion to continue. It is evident at the end of the film that her life adventures were inspired by Jack's outlook on life. People don't live their lives in a certain way because of someone they had a fling with told them too, there was true love between Jack and Rose, an unbreakable bond.
Rose isn't perfect, she is deeply flawed. She is an outsider. Too well brought up for the likes of third class but bearing qualities frowned upon by those in first class.
Her suicide attempt isn't a beg for help. She has no intention of a young, handsome man coming to her rescue. She isn't aware that anyone cares, she only cares about her own well being. Her attempt isn't dramatic, she truly believes she will go through with her plan.
Rose isn't take prisoner by some fairy-tale villain, she is a prisoner of her own thoughts, her own mind. Her suffering isn't on display for all to see, few barely notice she is suffering at all making her pain even more agonising to witness.
Not only does she believe that she won't be saved, she doesn't want to be saved. It takes a very selfless hero to save someone who has no intention of being saved. A total of 5 minutes sees Jack as a saviour and hero, the rest of the film sees him as the other half of Rose. The two are equal, one a woman, one a third class passenger, how much lower in society could the two get?
Prior to meeting Jack it is evident that 'her' decisions aren't hers at all but those forced upon her by her fiancé, Cal. The relationship status of 'fiancé' of course means ownership. Rose has always been (as far as the audience are aware) an obedient wife, never stepping out of line. She simply assumes her position as the property of Cal.
Rose isn't stupid. Her marriage to Cal is not her choice but she understands the consequences of rejecting such a proposal. She is simply waiting, waiting for the chance when she can safely escape the clutches of Cal. Jack is able to give Rose the power she needs to break away from her pain. She is a woman trapped in the mould society created for her and she will not settle for this.
Rose makes her own decisions, once she has her power she does not waste it.
There is no forcing of decisions. He lets her make the choice of not jumping. He doesn't force a relationship upon her but instead allows her to make the decision to continue seeing him. Jack recognises Rose's fierce attitude and doesn't dare interfere.
It is Rose who picks Jack over Cal. It is Rose who makes the decision to get back onto the sinking ship to find Jack. It is Rose who makes the decision to save Jack. She doesn't save him because she is told to, she does so because she cares a great deal.
Rose isn't an extreme example of a woman with power, nothing bad happens because she speaks her mind. If more woman were like Rose I highly doubt the world would end in a burning fireball.
The two bring out the best in each other, there is no doubt about that. Jack saves Rose from jumping, Rose saves Jack from his capture. The relationship is clearly two way and clearly more than a four day fling.
The line 'Rose. Rose Dawson' makes my heart melt. She owes her life to Jack and this is her tribute to him. Without him she wouldn't be the same person and, more importantly, it is unlikely she would still be alive.
And, if you still don't believe that Rose means business then picture the scene where she roams the corridors with an axe, she isn't just the pretty fiancée of Cal, she is her own woman.
Of course the film shares it's strong links with the classic Romeo and Juliet. Two forbidden lovers. A blossoming romance. A tragic end. James Cameron himself pitched the film as a Romeo and Juliet style love story.
I personally think Romeo and Juliet is wonderful (even if the film adaption is shockingly bad) but Juliet isn't the strongest woman. A product of her time means she can only ever be a secondary figure to the men in her life. No quality can set her apart from other women of her time, not in the way that Rose is able to.
The only power Juliet is given in the play is when she is dead. It only seems right I suppose that giving a living woman power would be far too disastrous and catastrophic. There is no harm that Juliet can do once she is no longer breathing.
'For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.'
In the most heart-breaking line in the entire play Juliet is finally regarded as more than an object or lover of Romeo. It takes the entirety of the play for Juliet to be given her power. Power in the form of ownership of her husband, her dead husband.
Shakespeare got it right. He was 'her' Romeo. The two belonged together, not in a possessive and controlling way but rather in a romantic and love driven way. They could not exist as two separate beings, only together.
It really is a pity that the glorious Romeo and Juliet is constantly overlooked and passed off as a 'meaningless romance'. But, compared to so many other romances of today there is only one clear factor which makes this exquisite love story to be regarded as foolish, rushed and silly, the ending. Had their relationship worked out and continued to blossom and grow people would have a far different opinion on the story. Comments such as 'oh how romantic to have found each other like that' rather than the more common 'it was a stupid teenage romance'.
Do most teenage romances end with one being distraught at the idea of living without the other or do they usually cry a bit and move on?
Both stories are that of true love.
The short time scales are not to say that the relationships themselves were rapid and rushed. The love doesn't make either story tragic, the death aspect does. But what would make either story popular if they lived happily ever after?
--- Aimee ---
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Painted Image of Love
As the hype of Valentines Day passes the minds of fellow humans for another year I can't help but sigh a breath of relief.
I despise the day. Maybe its because I'm a morbid person and think the worst of every situation. Maybe its because, despite my best efforts, I find more comfort in sadness than in happiness. Or, a more popular belief would see it being as I feel isolated, being single once again on this loved-up day.
There's something hidden away. Hidden beneath the declarations of love, behind the heartfelt messages. There is no public display about the heartache or heartbreak tied in with love. Its ok, the odd 'he's drives me crazy sometimes but I love him no matter what' messages give a slight insight into the unhappiness but it's not enough. It doesn't compete with the fact that love is sugar coated because 'that's how it should be'. Happy, problem free, everlasting.
I feel like every single Facebook and Instagram post about a loved one is just a painted picture of false happiness and hidden upset. No showing of the arguments or betrayals. Of course there is no reason really why I would want to see arguments posted everywhere, annoying the shit out of me day in, day out. I think what I really want is some comfort that not everything is perfect but that doesn't mean it will work out. Just a few messages telling me things don't have to be perfect to be okay, that happiness doesn't not direct link with perfection.
I can't be dealing with this picture perfect idea of love, forcing me to believe anything beside the perfect moments is a rarity. I don't want to feel like there is one specific way you should treat the one you love. There are numerous to show it, it's not all chocolates and roses. There are so many people I love in my life and who are important to me, people who keep me happy. Of course on Valentines Day this doesn't matter because obviously my single status reflects my hopeless and lonely life.
No it's not the single status that makes me sad, it's all the other problems in the world. You must be kidding yourself if you really think that my number one concern in life is finding a partner. I mean I know currently that I am a weak, helpless and incomplete woman who needs a man to swoop in and fix all my life problems...oh wait is that not the case? I guess I must be too influenced by almost every film I've ever seen.
It's not the situation I or anyone else is in that causes pain but the changes that took place in order to reach that situation. All the loss. All the pain. All the tragic memories.
The films don't do the pain and sadness of it all justice really. Take Love, Rosie for example. The film is an artwork. It truly is brilliant. The acting and storyline go so well together but there is something missing. I don't know whether its this film in particular or just maybe its an impossibility to recreate in films but something is missing. In too many love films there is a small sense of heartbreak but that's all it is, a small sense. Something brushed off and overlooked. A 30 second clip of a teary girl is supposed to portray years of grief and pain, really? Sorry, I'm not going to believe your version of heartbreak.
The films don't depict reality. Some try harder than others but ultimately they all fail. I guess there is a limit to the amount of pain you can portray but to me it all still seems false. Love isn't all happiness and roses and cute dates. All that stuff is what we have been taught to associate with love through books, films and music since a young age. Too many false portrayals of a 'good' and 'ideal' relationship have left too many of us with the wrong idea about love.
Because heartbreak isn't a couple of tears here and there with soppy messages of how much you miss someone; its floods of tears. Breakdowns over hearing the mention of their name. Hours of deciding what it was that went wrong, what you did to screw things up yet again. Days of wondering why you weren't enough for them. So much time spent wondering if things will ever get better or whether you are now stuck in a bottomless pit of emotions that you will never escape from.
Love's all right while it lasts but we all fall out of love, we all move on whether we like it or not. Nothing is a constant; it never has been and it never will be. Maybe someone will one day change my mind on Valentines Day and I'll be one of those soppy little shits that I currently despise, indulging in the day.
--- Aimee ---
I despise the day. Maybe its because I'm a morbid person and think the worst of every situation. Maybe its because, despite my best efforts, I find more comfort in sadness than in happiness. Or, a more popular belief would see it being as I feel isolated, being single once again on this loved-up day.
There's something hidden away. Hidden beneath the declarations of love, behind the heartfelt messages. There is no public display about the heartache or heartbreak tied in with love. Its ok, the odd 'he's drives me crazy sometimes but I love him no matter what' messages give a slight insight into the unhappiness but it's not enough. It doesn't compete with the fact that love is sugar coated because 'that's how it should be'. Happy, problem free, everlasting.
I feel like every single Facebook and Instagram post about a loved one is just a painted picture of false happiness and hidden upset. No showing of the arguments or betrayals. Of course there is no reason really why I would want to see arguments posted everywhere, annoying the shit out of me day in, day out. I think what I really want is some comfort that not everything is perfect but that doesn't mean it will work out. Just a few messages telling me things don't have to be perfect to be okay, that happiness doesn't not direct link with perfection.
I can't be dealing with this picture perfect idea of love, forcing me to believe anything beside the perfect moments is a rarity. I don't want to feel like there is one specific way you should treat the one you love. There are numerous to show it, it's not all chocolates and roses. There are so many people I love in my life and who are important to me, people who keep me happy. Of course on Valentines Day this doesn't matter because obviously my single status reflects my hopeless and lonely life.
No it's not the single status that makes me sad, it's all the other problems in the world. You must be kidding yourself if you really think that my number one concern in life is finding a partner. I mean I know currently that I am a weak, helpless and incomplete woman who needs a man to swoop in and fix all my life problems...oh wait is that not the case? I guess I must be too influenced by almost every film I've ever seen.
It's not the situation I or anyone else is in that causes pain but the changes that took place in order to reach that situation. All the loss. All the pain. All the tragic memories.
The films don't do the pain and sadness of it all justice really. Take Love, Rosie for example. The film is an artwork. It truly is brilliant. The acting and storyline go so well together but there is something missing. I don't know whether its this film in particular or just maybe its an impossibility to recreate in films but something is missing. In too many love films there is a small sense of heartbreak but that's all it is, a small sense. Something brushed off and overlooked. A 30 second clip of a teary girl is supposed to portray years of grief and pain, really? Sorry, I'm not going to believe your version of heartbreak.
The films don't depict reality. Some try harder than others but ultimately they all fail. I guess there is a limit to the amount of pain you can portray but to me it all still seems false. Love isn't all happiness and roses and cute dates. All that stuff is what we have been taught to associate with love through books, films and music since a young age. Too many false portrayals of a 'good' and 'ideal' relationship have left too many of us with the wrong idea about love.
Because heartbreak isn't a couple of tears here and there with soppy messages of how much you miss someone; its floods of tears. Breakdowns over hearing the mention of their name. Hours of deciding what it was that went wrong, what you did to screw things up yet again. Days of wondering why you weren't enough for them. So much time spent wondering if things will ever get better or whether you are now stuck in a bottomless pit of emotions that you will never escape from.
Love's all right while it lasts but we all fall out of love, we all move on whether we like it or not. Nothing is a constant; it never has been and it never will be. Maybe someone will one day change my mind on Valentines Day and I'll be one of those soppy little shits that I currently despise, indulging in the day.
--- Aimee ---
Sunday, 14 February 2016
A Speeding Train Towards The Future
When I was younger I don't know what I expected really. I think I must have expected that things would magically be different one day. I would suddenly grow up. No pain. No long and thought out journey getting me through my school years. Just the flicking of one magic switch and a difference will have been made.
But I'm not 8 anymore, I don't see things the same way. I know now that with change comes a great deal of pain and heartache.
These past few years have provided me with nothing but change. Getting older, having to actually grow up, to slowly become an adult. And, my god, I am far from ready for this.
Looking back, things were slowly changing. Day by day, month by month, year by year. I didn't see it at the time. I wasted my youth waiting to be 16, waiting to leave school, waiting to grow up and now I'm here. I am one year off from leaving my friends to disappear off to university. I am five or so years off moving out of the house I have lived in for the entirety of my life. I am unwillingly crawling towards the rest of my life and I just wish it would all slow down.
In the years I spent wishing for an end to be childhood and a beginning to my adulthood I seemed to have forgotten to cherish moments. Far too often now I look back on times where I was a happy, carefree child. Those year seven tutor times when I would be speaking to people I was sure I would be close to way past school. The distinct memories from school trips gone by. The holidays where I made 'life-long' friends.
It's a painful journey, growing up but, its only painful when you notice the changes occurring only too quickly.
I find myself each day getting an 'its too late' feeling. All those exams I could have revised harder for. All those people who left my school last summer never to return. The countless number of people in the year above me who I fear getting close to because there are only 7 months until they go off to university and leave me behind.
Too many aspects of my life are now simply becoming old memories. I fear the day when the daily occurrences that I dismiss as being boring will become embedded in my memory of what was. Who knows what will still be in my life and what won't. What I class as the most important thing in my life right now may not be relevant next year, let alone in 5, 10, 15 years from now.
Acceptance is the hardest part of the journey of life. Accepting that memories, people, moments are gone. Some never to return. Accepting that you just need to move on. Accepting that whatever happens to you is insignificant anyway, you wont stop the world from turning and the sun from rising.
Have I wasted my life? Why have I only now learnt to treasure moments as they are happening? There are so many people who I never even made the effort to get to know and in 19 months they will have exited my life. People I once sat next to everyday, those I smiled at in the corridor. My only communication will be exchanging likes on Instagram posts with new found friends from university.
I don't want to aimlessly be drifting in and out of peoples lives. I don't want to be nothing more than a mere friend they once spoke to or shared memories with. But I know that I can't force myself to keep people around when they are in need of leaving in order to grow.
I just wish it would all slow down for a short while. It seems like every moment is racing way from me at top speed and I can't do anything about it. The only thing within my power is to remember moments as the happy days they were when I had the privilege to enjoy them.
--- Aimee ---
But I'm not 8 anymore, I don't see things the same way. I know now that with change comes a great deal of pain and heartache.
These past few years have provided me with nothing but change. Getting older, having to actually grow up, to slowly become an adult. And, my god, I am far from ready for this.
Looking back, things were slowly changing. Day by day, month by month, year by year. I didn't see it at the time. I wasted my youth waiting to be 16, waiting to leave school, waiting to grow up and now I'm here. I am one year off from leaving my friends to disappear off to university. I am five or so years off moving out of the house I have lived in for the entirety of my life. I am unwillingly crawling towards the rest of my life and I just wish it would all slow down.
In the years I spent wishing for an end to be childhood and a beginning to my adulthood I seemed to have forgotten to cherish moments. Far too often now I look back on times where I was a happy, carefree child. Those year seven tutor times when I would be speaking to people I was sure I would be close to way past school. The distinct memories from school trips gone by. The holidays where I made 'life-long' friends.
It's a painful journey, growing up but, its only painful when you notice the changes occurring only too quickly.
I find myself each day getting an 'its too late' feeling. All those exams I could have revised harder for. All those people who left my school last summer never to return. The countless number of people in the year above me who I fear getting close to because there are only 7 months until they go off to university and leave me behind.
Too many aspects of my life are now simply becoming old memories. I fear the day when the daily occurrences that I dismiss as being boring will become embedded in my memory of what was. Who knows what will still be in my life and what won't. What I class as the most important thing in my life right now may not be relevant next year, let alone in 5, 10, 15 years from now.
Acceptance is the hardest part of the journey of life. Accepting that memories, people, moments are gone. Some never to return. Accepting that you just need to move on. Accepting that whatever happens to you is insignificant anyway, you wont stop the world from turning and the sun from rising.
Have I wasted my life? Why have I only now learnt to treasure moments as they are happening? There are so many people who I never even made the effort to get to know and in 19 months they will have exited my life. People I once sat next to everyday, those I smiled at in the corridor. My only communication will be exchanging likes on Instagram posts with new found friends from university.
I don't want to aimlessly be drifting in and out of peoples lives. I don't want to be nothing more than a mere friend they once spoke to or shared memories with. But I know that I can't force myself to keep people around when they are in need of leaving in order to grow.
I just wish it would all slow down for a short while. It seems like every moment is racing way from me at top speed and I can't do anything about it. The only thing within my power is to remember moments as the happy days they were when I had the privilege to enjoy them.
--- Aimee ---
Wednesday, 3 February 2016
XS Brain Capacity
It's hard in todays society to do what the vast majority of people call 'good'. It seems whatever you wish to say or do will upset someone. Every status or video which shows someone attempting to say or do a good deed has a fair few lengthy messages about why this opinion is wrong or hurtful.
Time and time again on Facebook I see people who mean good but they cannot seem to understand how what they said could be offensive in any way. of course me saying this could be leading onto a vast number of points; the ignorance of people, shitty Facebook arguments, the entertainment of it all but I'd much prefer to take a different look.
Lost at what the hell this blog post will be about? I'll enlighten you. Today's blog post is on weight and how people attempt to approach the subject 'sensitively.'
For some bizarre reason, 99% of the posts encouraging self love and body confidence do so in one way, degrading slim and skinny bodies. It's as if people don't think skinny people or underweight people go on Facebook, they clearly wont see these posts which are literally plastered everywhere. Don't worry, you won't upset those skinny people because they don't have feelings or get hurt by what you say. No, it's okay because their brains don't work the same anyway.
You see what many people don't know is that skinny people don't have feelings, nothing can upset them, they are invincible (I mean come on people, lets be real here, of course your comments hurt.)
The system is fucked, why are people forever getting away with rude comments made towards skinny people when doing the same with fat people causes uproar? There are cases when people speak out against skinny shaming but sadly most of the time very little is said.
When dishing up someone's food YOU SHOULD NOT give them more and say it's to 'get some meat on them bones'. Would you ever even dream of limiting someone's food and telling them you are doing so to help them cut down/lose weight? Didn't think you would. It's no different really.
Unless you are with someone 24/7 you have no idea how much they eat. Stop calling people out on 'not eating enough' how the fuck would you know what enough is in comparison to the amount of exercise they do, their height, how much they should be eating?
Another brilliant remark I have heard far too often is 'no one wants to cuddle a stick' ah yes, that old chestnut. Well maybe no one would want to cuddle you anyway because you're a fucking prick who clearly has no respect for skinner than 'normal' people. Also, I'm sure some people aren't so shallow so you're 'no one' is quite incorrect. More importantly than these two points, women (as is usually who are effected most by this issue) are not objects for which you just cuddle and kiss and use. Maybe a 'stick' has a great personality, not that any fucking prick would bother to find out because someone douches only want a body for their own use.
Wherever I am when I hear a disturbing remark being made against skinny people I squirm in my seat (although only if I'm sat down obviously else I just cringe.) It's insane how comments can just go under the radar because they aren't 'fat shaming'. I cannot remember if I have blogged or mentioned before about the article I read on 'All About That Bass'. If I have then sorry for mentioning it again but if I haven't, a basic overview is it argued that it doesn't skinny shame because there is not such thing as skinny shaming. If you have that opinion you have to really closely look at your life.
Yes aspects of life such as mannequins and models display a skinner body shape but, just because the mass of society offers this to be the 'ideal' doesn't mean you can call people out on it. In 2016 do people still not understand that things such as a healthy lifestyle and a fast metabolism can lead to someone being 'skinny'. Obviously, you cant ignore that there are people who starve themselves to be skinny but, in many cases, this is only the majority so please stop assuming everyone is doing the same.
*If you know me or have seen pictures of me you will obviously know I'm not exactly talking from experience when speaking of comments or the issue in general. The examples I am referring to are simply things which I have overheard and disagreed with.*
There are so many reasons why people may be of a slimmer body shape to others and quite frankly, most of the time its none of your fucking business. So please, if you are going to bring it up, be nice and be careful how you word what you say because yes, they've probably been told the same thing time and time again but no, that doesn't mean it gets easier to hear or to deal with.
Don't assume you know the whole story when you don't. Don't talk down to people who, in your eyes are 'too skinny'. They don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it so just keep it to yourself. And, maybe if you try to focus really hard, like really, really, really hard on their personality or other aspects about them you will realise their body shape doesn't fucking matter anyway.
--- Aimee ---
Time and time again on Facebook I see people who mean good but they cannot seem to understand how what they said could be offensive in any way. of course me saying this could be leading onto a vast number of points; the ignorance of people, shitty Facebook arguments, the entertainment of it all but I'd much prefer to take a different look.
Lost at what the hell this blog post will be about? I'll enlighten you. Today's blog post is on weight and how people attempt to approach the subject 'sensitively.'
For some bizarre reason, 99% of the posts encouraging self love and body confidence do so in one way, degrading slim and skinny bodies. It's as if people don't think skinny people or underweight people go on Facebook, they clearly wont see these posts which are literally plastered everywhere. Don't worry, you won't upset those skinny people because they don't have feelings or get hurt by what you say. No, it's okay because their brains don't work the same anyway.
You see what many people don't know is that skinny people don't have feelings, nothing can upset them, they are invincible (I mean come on people, lets be real here, of course your comments hurt.)
The system is fucked, why are people forever getting away with rude comments made towards skinny people when doing the same with fat people causes uproar? There are cases when people speak out against skinny shaming but sadly most of the time very little is said.
When dishing up someone's food YOU SHOULD NOT give them more and say it's to 'get some meat on them bones'. Would you ever even dream of limiting someone's food and telling them you are doing so to help them cut down/lose weight? Didn't think you would. It's no different really.
Unless you are with someone 24/7 you have no idea how much they eat. Stop calling people out on 'not eating enough' how the fuck would you know what enough is in comparison to the amount of exercise they do, their height, how much they should be eating?
Another brilliant remark I have heard far too often is 'no one wants to cuddle a stick' ah yes, that old chestnut. Well maybe no one would want to cuddle you anyway because you're a fucking prick who clearly has no respect for skinner than 'normal' people. Also, I'm sure some people aren't so shallow so you're 'no one' is quite incorrect. More importantly than these two points, women (as is usually who are effected most by this issue) are not objects for which you just cuddle and kiss and use. Maybe a 'stick' has a great personality, not that any fucking prick would bother to find out because someone douches only want a body for their own use.
Wherever I am when I hear a disturbing remark being made against skinny people I squirm in my seat (although only if I'm sat down obviously else I just cringe.) It's insane how comments can just go under the radar because they aren't 'fat shaming'. I cannot remember if I have blogged or mentioned before about the article I read on 'All About That Bass'. If I have then sorry for mentioning it again but if I haven't, a basic overview is it argued that it doesn't skinny shame because there is not such thing as skinny shaming. If you have that opinion you have to really closely look at your life.
Yes aspects of life such as mannequins and models display a skinner body shape but, just because the mass of society offers this to be the 'ideal' doesn't mean you can call people out on it. In 2016 do people still not understand that things such as a healthy lifestyle and a fast metabolism can lead to someone being 'skinny'. Obviously, you cant ignore that there are people who starve themselves to be skinny but, in many cases, this is only the majority so please stop assuming everyone is doing the same.
*If you know me or have seen pictures of me you will obviously know I'm not exactly talking from experience when speaking of comments or the issue in general. The examples I am referring to are simply things which I have overheard and disagreed with.*
There are so many reasons why people may be of a slimmer body shape to others and quite frankly, most of the time its none of your fucking business. So please, if you are going to bring it up, be nice and be careful how you word what you say because yes, they've probably been told the same thing time and time again but no, that doesn't mean it gets easier to hear or to deal with.
Don't assume you know the whole story when you don't. Don't talk down to people who, in your eyes are 'too skinny'. They don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it so just keep it to yourself. And, maybe if you try to focus really hard, like really, really, really hard on their personality or other aspects about them you will realise their body shape doesn't fucking matter anyway.
--- Aimee ---
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
Reliance Is No Weakness
If I wasn't so damn tired right now I'd probably be a lot more annoyed than I am, hard to believe really because right now I am fucking pissed. I have just seen yet another 'you don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy' or it was along those shitty lines anyway and I am absolutely fed up. I am so done with all this fucking rubbish.
No, no, no. I am so fucking done, my hatred towards this is so bloody strong and I have fucking snapped. Not trying to be one of those 'don't say that you'll offend someone' people who don't let anyone say anything anymore but seriously, don't say people don't need a partner to be happy because you will offend someone. When you tell someone you're upset or sad because the significant person in your life hasn't messaged you do you know how degrading it feels to be called stupid, to be called too reliant, to be called weak.
That's what you're doing. People don't survive on their own, they thrive off of things around them. Give people a fucking break, please, I'm begging you. Yes I know it's not great that people put all their time into one person but do you think they want to? Do you think they want the everlasting pain when they're not talking to them, when they have to be away from them, when the relationship or friendship finishes?
Think about it now, to be honestly and genuinely happy what do you need? Do you literally just need yourself and nothing else? No, I didn't think so. You need friends or great music or brilliant films or a hobby or an obsession, you may be able to survive on your own but why just survive when you can live?
When you tell people they don't or shouldn't need other people to be happy, what you are really saying is 'you should be able to be without them, you are weak if you rely on them too much'. But, no one exists as aa pure form of themselves. Each friend you make creeps their way into your everyday life, maybe you begin to speak like them, grow an interest in what they like, spend your time with them.
Maybe it's not the 'relationship' status that people need maybe it's another person. I need people and Sam provides me with the attention and comfort and safety I need. All these years I've believed that I needed a boyfriend to make me happy and I am not wrong, I do need him. The reason for it has developed though, it's not the 'boyfriend' label that I've needed, it's someone who is there no matter what, someone I can depend on, someone I can relax with.
Before Sam there were other people who I deeply invested my time in, many of whom are now gone. So no, its not the status but the feeling. A feeling of security and love and comfort. It may not be another human who you invest your time into, maybe its a band or a show but you still need that or else you feel empty, right? Who the fuck cares if it's a person or not? Sure its not the safest option, if you're emotion is invested in a tv show you don't exactly have to live with the fear with it leaving or no longer being there, it always will.
It's not weak, don't you dare tell someone they shouldn't rely so heavily on another person. How they fuck do you know what they've been through. Songs and tv shows cover a lot of major issues but sometimes you just can't do anything in the world to help ease or mirror the pain/situations you've been through.
I'm so so so sick of seeing all these bloody posts, degrading those of us who do rely on others, diminishing our worth because of it. Please stop it. I understand that it's one of those situations where if you haven't been through it or aren't like that its hard to understand but please understand it hurts. It really hurts to have your reliance on others to be directly related to your value.
Maybe you're lucky enough to be one of those people whose happiness is shared among many, that's great. That means that when one thing goes badly or ends there are still plenty more things out there to stop you being drowned by this life, something keeping you afloat. In a way it means you're safe, safe from the danger of being alone and vulnerable. But, if you aren't one of those 'independent' people then please don't belittle those who are, please.
No matter who you need in your life, I promise you it doesn't make you weak. You are strong and you are amazing and you should be bloody proud of yourself.
--- Aimee ---
No, no, no. I am so fucking done, my hatred towards this is so bloody strong and I have fucking snapped. Not trying to be one of those 'don't say that you'll offend someone' people who don't let anyone say anything anymore but seriously, don't say people don't need a partner to be happy because you will offend someone. When you tell someone you're upset or sad because the significant person in your life hasn't messaged you do you know how degrading it feels to be called stupid, to be called too reliant, to be called weak.
That's what you're doing. People don't survive on their own, they thrive off of things around them. Give people a fucking break, please, I'm begging you. Yes I know it's not great that people put all their time into one person but do you think they want to? Do you think they want the everlasting pain when they're not talking to them, when they have to be away from them, when the relationship or friendship finishes?
Think about it now, to be honestly and genuinely happy what do you need? Do you literally just need yourself and nothing else? No, I didn't think so. You need friends or great music or brilliant films or a hobby or an obsession, you may be able to survive on your own but why just survive when you can live?
When you tell people they don't or shouldn't need other people to be happy, what you are really saying is 'you should be able to be without them, you are weak if you rely on them too much'. But, no one exists as aa pure form of themselves. Each friend you make creeps their way into your everyday life, maybe you begin to speak like them, grow an interest in what they like, spend your time with them.
Maybe it's not the 'relationship' status that people need maybe it's another person. I need people and Sam provides me with the attention and comfort and safety I need. All these years I've believed that I needed a boyfriend to make me happy and I am not wrong, I do need him. The reason for it has developed though, it's not the 'boyfriend' label that I've needed, it's someone who is there no matter what, someone I can depend on, someone I can relax with.
Before Sam there were other people who I deeply invested my time in, many of whom are now gone. So no, its not the status but the feeling. A feeling of security and love and comfort. It may not be another human who you invest your time into, maybe its a band or a show but you still need that or else you feel empty, right? Who the fuck cares if it's a person or not? Sure its not the safest option, if you're emotion is invested in a tv show you don't exactly have to live with the fear with it leaving or no longer being there, it always will.
It's not weak, don't you dare tell someone they shouldn't rely so heavily on another person. How they fuck do you know what they've been through. Songs and tv shows cover a lot of major issues but sometimes you just can't do anything in the world to help ease or mirror the pain/situations you've been through.
I'm so so so sick of seeing all these bloody posts, degrading those of us who do rely on others, diminishing our worth because of it. Please stop it. I understand that it's one of those situations where if you haven't been through it or aren't like that its hard to understand but please understand it hurts. It really hurts to have your reliance on others to be directly related to your value.
Maybe you're lucky enough to be one of those people whose happiness is shared among many, that's great. That means that when one thing goes badly or ends there are still plenty more things out there to stop you being drowned by this life, something keeping you afloat. In a way it means you're safe, safe from the danger of being alone and vulnerable. But, if you aren't one of those 'independent' people then please don't belittle those who are, please.
No matter who you need in your life, I promise you it doesn't make you weak. You are strong and you are amazing and you should be bloody proud of yourself.
--- Aimee ---
Saturday, 16 January 2016
The Act of Romanticising Arguments
Constantly I see posts on Facebook and Twitter saying how true bestfriends argue but make up soon after or how in a relationship you should 'argue like siblings'. I see more and more of these posts everytime I'm online.
Surrounding by the media from a young age, I truly believed that was the way relationships went; arguments time and time again but never being enough to push the other away. Either person always running back, running back to what they know and love. My life just hasn't been like that, no, mine has been rather different.
I guess I can't really speak for arguments in terms of relationships but I feel as though I can in terms of friendships. There are two reasons for why I can't speak for relationships; the first being I have only ever been in one relationship and the second being that in that relationship we have only had one argument. I won't go into details but it was a petty, alcohol assisted disagreement, hardly worthy of being labelled an argument.
I know its different for everyone but for me, I can't argue with people in fear of loosing them. My love for them is way too deep to risk loosing them over something silly. No, they're not fragile friendships which could end if the wrong thing is said but beneath the 'normal' nature of which arguments are branded with is a lack of care for what is being said and for the other person.
Maybe I'm just slightly scared by anything and everything but I can't risk loosing someone over temporary feelings. I wouldn't be able to scream out awful things about someone if I didn't truly mean it. Even the thought of arguing with my boyfriend or one of my bestfriends makes me choke up, I just don't see how people can do it.
A slight inspiration to write this blog post came from watching The Notebook (yes Anna it is that good that I am mentioning it yet again) the other day for the second time. Don't get me wrong the film is an absolute artwork with its plotline and actors. The film is literally incredible but for me, it presents a small problem; its portrayal of a successful relationship. Now, as I say maybe it is normal but just not for me or maybe there is a real problem here. It's one of the most romantic love stories I have ever witnessed but are the expectations which are set too far from reality, presenting the viewers with a sense of false hope.
You see, in my experience, people don't fight for you. Okay I have both been begged and begged others for a chance of staying but that is the limit. 'You're only 16, what do you know.' Well I know I've spoken to many people in my life who have since upped and left me. There was no fight. There was no 'I must have you in my life', 'you are everything to me', 'I need you'. None, none of that bullshit. That isn't the way of the world. People outgrow you. Your 'absolute world' decides they no longer love you. People don't fight because people change their mind and move on.
So yes back to The Notebook and it's false hope. One of the many stories in which there is argument after argument after argument from a couple who are apparently 'meant for eachother'. Really? Okay you don't have to agree on every single thing but surely a healthy relationship isn't one where arguments are a regular thing? I don't buy it personally.
I'm assuming there must be a certain level of confidence to argue with someone you love because how do you know they won't leave you? I feel awful if I say even the slightest harsh thing to someone who means so much to me. Arguments hurt people, why would you want to hurt someone if you loved them?
Despite saying all that, of course there has to be room to disagree. It's not abnormal to have some disagreements like how to cook fajitas or what to watch at the cinema or who should have the last pizza slice. Small things like that can afford disagreements, I can almost guarantee you wont loose someone over something small like that. Those are what are really 'normal'. It's good to be able to tell your friend they're a dick when they tell you their drunk antics or when they say something utterly stupid (yes Nicole, these both apply to you.) I never mean it. I simply mean 'you are an idiot for doing that but it doesn't matter, it's done now and I love you anyway (not that I'm forgetting what you did because I of course need to embarrass you by remaining you in the future.)
But, shouldn't proper arguments be the end? It's good (I guess) that they don't always end relationships but is that the way it should be? Can you really be okay with the knowledge of your words having hurt the one you love?
And I don't know whether it's just media portrayal or if it in fact reality but, either way, all the signs are telling me I'm doing relationships wrong. My relationships may not be the convential sort but they seem to last a whole lot longer than most do so I think that maybe, just maybe I won't change for being different.
--- Aimee ---
Surrounding by the media from a young age, I truly believed that was the way relationships went; arguments time and time again but never being enough to push the other away. Either person always running back, running back to what they know and love. My life just hasn't been like that, no, mine has been rather different.
I guess I can't really speak for arguments in terms of relationships but I feel as though I can in terms of friendships. There are two reasons for why I can't speak for relationships; the first being I have only ever been in one relationship and the second being that in that relationship we have only had one argument. I won't go into details but it was a petty, alcohol assisted disagreement, hardly worthy of being labelled an argument.
I know its different for everyone but for me, I can't argue with people in fear of loosing them. My love for them is way too deep to risk loosing them over something silly. No, they're not fragile friendships which could end if the wrong thing is said but beneath the 'normal' nature of which arguments are branded with is a lack of care for what is being said and for the other person.
Maybe I'm just slightly scared by anything and everything but I can't risk loosing someone over temporary feelings. I wouldn't be able to scream out awful things about someone if I didn't truly mean it. Even the thought of arguing with my boyfriend or one of my bestfriends makes me choke up, I just don't see how people can do it.
A slight inspiration to write this blog post came from watching The Notebook (yes Anna it is that good that I am mentioning it yet again) the other day for the second time. Don't get me wrong the film is an absolute artwork with its plotline and actors. The film is literally incredible but for me, it presents a small problem; its portrayal of a successful relationship. Now, as I say maybe it is normal but just not for me or maybe there is a real problem here. It's one of the most romantic love stories I have ever witnessed but are the expectations which are set too far from reality, presenting the viewers with a sense of false hope.
You see, in my experience, people don't fight for you. Okay I have both been begged and begged others for a chance of staying but that is the limit. 'You're only 16, what do you know.' Well I know I've spoken to many people in my life who have since upped and left me. There was no fight. There was no 'I must have you in my life', 'you are everything to me', 'I need you'. None, none of that bullshit. That isn't the way of the world. People outgrow you. Your 'absolute world' decides they no longer love you. People don't fight because people change their mind and move on.
So yes back to The Notebook and it's false hope. One of the many stories in which there is argument after argument after argument from a couple who are apparently 'meant for eachother'. Really? Okay you don't have to agree on every single thing but surely a healthy relationship isn't one where arguments are a regular thing? I don't buy it personally.
I'm assuming there must be a certain level of confidence to argue with someone you love because how do you know they won't leave you? I feel awful if I say even the slightest harsh thing to someone who means so much to me. Arguments hurt people, why would you want to hurt someone if you loved them?
Despite saying all that, of course there has to be room to disagree. It's not abnormal to have some disagreements like how to cook fajitas or what to watch at the cinema or who should have the last pizza slice. Small things like that can afford disagreements, I can almost guarantee you wont loose someone over something small like that. Those are what are really 'normal'. It's good to be able to tell your friend they're a dick when they tell you their drunk antics or when they say something utterly stupid (yes Nicole, these both apply to you.) I never mean it. I simply mean 'you are an idiot for doing that but it doesn't matter, it's done now and I love you anyway (not that I'm forgetting what you did because I of course need to embarrass you by remaining you in the future.)
But, shouldn't proper arguments be the end? It's good (I guess) that they don't always end relationships but is that the way it should be? Can you really be okay with the knowledge of your words having hurt the one you love?
And I don't know whether it's just media portrayal or if it in fact reality but, either way, all the signs are telling me I'm doing relationships wrong. My relationships may not be the convential sort but they seem to last a whole lot longer than most do so I think that maybe, just maybe I won't change for being different.
--- Aimee ---
Thursday, 31 December 2015
One Hell of a Year
2015, well its been one hell of a year, changes have happened by the dozen, I'm going to try to give a summary of my year during this blog post but, for now lets rewind to 1st January. I woke up on the hard, wooden floor of someone I had only met the previous day. I was freezing and was surviving on about an hours sleep in total. That day I really, truly believed that this would be 'my year'. I hoped for such potential and greatness, oh how wrong I was.
Don't get me wrong, there have been some great things happen this year, some really great things. Unfortunately these have been overshadowed by what can only be described as the worst year of my entire life. There probably were far more positives than negatives but in terms of effect on me, the negatives had much of a larger impact.
I've always wanted something to actually happen in my life, something exciting or unusual for me. Up until this year I don't feel like anything significant really happened, just the same usual stuff day in day out. If I could go back I wouldn't wish to have an exciting life, I would feel content with my life, I would definitely not want any fucking drama.
Positive, positive, positive. Yes, many good things have happened this year, I'll begin with them. I finally finished Last Witness, which I had been attempting to finish for the months, if not, years. I also read The Longest Ride which was just the cutest book ever. After watching the film I decided to read The Lovely Bones, another brilliant read. (In case you missed them, I blogged about my feelings on both these books a couple of months back if you wanted to check them out.) Another of the books I read was Atonement, a rather unusual read for me but still very good nonetheless. As part of my English Literature course I have read King Lear and Death of a Salesman, both of which are fascinating reads. The current book I am reading is The Reader which, despite being heavily sexual in the first few chapters, is a brilliant and truly gripping book which I am hoping to finish in the coming weeks.
This year I have had numerous trips to the cinema. Earlier in the year I saw The Boy Next Door (seriously what the fuck was that movie, syringe in eye, ew ew ew) and Pitch Perfect 2 (there were seriously no faults, it was incredible although the worst cinema visit of my life but that's another story. During the summer I watched Ant-Man (my first marvel film and it was spectacular.) More recently I've seen The Visit (again what the fuck) and Miss You Already (I have never in my life cried so much at a film, it was absolutely heart-breaking) and yesterday I finally got round to watching Mockingjay Part Two (holy smokes it was one of the greatest films i have ever seen.) Aside from the cinema, I've also seen many films at home (mainly through Netflix). I watched Titanic, Forrest Gump, The Grinch and Back to the Future (1,2 and 3) again because why not. I watched many films for the first time; Bridget Jones Diary, It's a Wonderful Life (definitely a must see), About Time, Monsters University, Good Will Hunting, The Breakfast Club, The Notebook, Begin Again, What We Did On Our Holiday, Love Rosie, 6 Years, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Saving Mr Banks, The Best of Me, The Purge, Scary Movie and One Day. It's highly likely that I've seen many more films but I don't have the brain capacity to remember them all.
Personally, it's been a big year concert-wise, having attended five concerts in total (that's quite a lot for me.) In the first half of the year I saw Olly Murs and Luke Friend both of which were fantastic. Although not a concert, I attended Truck Festival during the summer (you can find a blog post about it that I wrote a few months back) where I first saw Slaves and also watched Clean Bandit, Lucy Rose, The Charlatans and Basement Jaxx. Unfortunately I had no more concerts until November in which I attended three in nine days, those being Imagine Dragons, Slaves and Scouting for Girls. All of them were flipping incredible and greats nights out. In terms of music, my preferences have changed quite dramatically with growing interests in bands such as Green Day, Neck Deep, My Chemical Romance, Blink-182 and Mayday Parade. I would definitely determine this as the year I've developed an independent music taste and listened to individual bands rather than listening to a particular genre as a whole.
As to not end this post on a sad and dark note, I'll go through the negatives now so I can come back to more positives before the end. Nothing really happened up until May that made me think 'crap things are getting so shit'. Before May I was happy (I use that term loosely as I'm not sure I have ever been happy with things for the past few years) but yes I was content, life was mediocre, not too much good, not too much bad. There are only two things I remember happening prior to May, well, two things that are worth mentioning. The first was that I stopped speaking to the guy that I had been speaking to on and off for the past few years. Luckily, we ended on bad terms so I didn't really miss him when we stopped speaking. The second thing was that, after 3 very painful and long years, I finally managed to get over the guy I had been in love with. The most unusual thing about it was all it took was my friend to tell me I had to move on for my feelings to rapidly vanish.
Around May time was the beginning of a downward spiral of things turning to shit. One of the most heartbreaking things happened around this time. And, I tell you if you want pain, watch your best friend cry when you can do nothing to help, the image will rip you apart. Of course I didn't want her to cry but it was her granddads (who was a really, truly amazing guy) funeral so I don't blame her, I cried my eyes out too. Prior to starting exams, my friends had made it clear that I was too sad for them to deal with and they stated they just ignored me because they didn't know how to help. Immediately I felt bad about how shit I had been feeling because it was effecting them although the majority of my feeling of this was how selfish it was of them. I had discussed a few times with one of my closest friends that I had looked into symptoms and behaviors of those with anxiety and told them I believed I also suffered from this. Although I hoped for sympathy and care, the response I got was that I hadn't been professionally diagnosed so it didn't count. I realized then that my friends didn't understand me and probably never would.
The weeks that followed provided me with two things; major stress from exams and my flaws being pointed out to me by my so called friends. Distraught is the only word suitable to describe how I felt by the continuing events although they did lead me to making one of the best decisions I have ever made. I decided I was worth better than the dismissal and negativity which they provided me and I walked away. At first it was easy, I spend various lunchtimes with other friends, it seemed I could just go on like this while I needed to. I wasn't overly bothered that I was now without a group. I didn't mind because I had individual friends who I could spend time with and, besides, if they were busy or I couldn't find them I could always go sit in a classroom and revise, an option I chose a lot of the time, an option which lead to the most heartbreaking phrase I have ever heard. But despite my best efforts to stay away from the toxic people in my life, their comments did not disappear so easily. There could be another reason for it but to me, the reason i sometimes struggle to eat two meals a day is because it is engraved into my brain that I should avoid eating too much in case comments are again made.
I remember that I had just entered the canteen after the bell had rang for the end of lunch when I had seen my friend. She had asked me where I had been at lunch and I told I had been sat on my own to which she replies 'sorry I would have come but the group is here'. Those few words broke me more than any others I have ever heard. That was one of the last times I spoke to her. I didn't want to be some second choice, pushed back in priority over these new found friends. What hurt me the most was that I would have dropped my group in a heartbeat if I needed to go help out or be with a friend who needed me, sure they would have said things in my absence but it wouldn't have bothered me, after all, I did have other friends who sometimes needed me.
Exams were a major part of this year and I am absolutely dreading AS exams this year. I really struggled to cope in the exam hall, it wasn't the exams but the environment. The thought that I will soon have to go through it again makes me feel ill. I don't think that having friends would have helped me dramatically but it would have been nice to have people there. I did have some people, about 3 or 4 I think but having already lost about 6, my mentality probably wasn't prepared for exam stress.
Over the summer many really great things happened; I had my first kiss, I took part in NCS, I went to a festival, I started a blog, I got a boyfriend. All in all, life was pretty damn great. For the third year running my family went on holiday with my bestfriends family, I went to visit family in Cornwall, it was a good time. Nearing the end of summer I believes that life was finally good again, all the shit had happened and the following school year would be bearable. Everything was fine, everything was great until about three weeks into term, until the shittest day of my life.
It was a school day so I wasn't mega excited but I had woken up feeling less tired than usual, ready for just another regular day. I had woken up to a message from one of the members of my old group, a letter of apology he called it, explaining how he finally realised the reason I had felt shit had been them and that he was sorry about it. I didn't forgive him because he has written that, I still haven't forgiven him but I think the main reason for that was because of what happened next. The day really was a normal day up until my third lesson. The school managers came to get me and I was very confused. I search my brain for why they would want to speak with me, what had I done wrong, who had I offended by accident, who was involved. I was sick with worry. It was explained to me (rather intimidatingly) that I had been posting severe negative thoughts about myself online and had been reported for posting suicidal thoughts. To this I was utterly confused as I hadn't posted anything recently that was anymore negative than usual and nothing I had posted had any direct meaning that I was suicidal. I was very confused until I was informed it was my old group who had reported me. It made sense then, I realized the reason I had been reported was because it was them who had discovered they were at fault for how I felt regularly and therefore they didn't want to be to blame if something happened. It was, in my opinion, entirely selfish.
This single event resulted in many changes. I had to speak to my mum about everything that had happened (I'm not one to share with family members my thought and feelings), I was signed up for school counselling, I grew a stronger feeling against my old group. I really didn't know how to act or feel or what the hell was going on. Luckily I had a fair amount of friends who helped me through this particular rough patch and I am ever so thankful to have them.
Since that dreadful day, things have got a lot better with very few negatives to talk about. I suppose the one thing worse mentioning is I found out one of my friends has cancer but even that is looking more positive now and she seems like she is going to be okay.
Twice this year I have had brief places in a group but I think I can now say that I'm better off without a group. So yes, positive things. Well obviously I started a blog up this year and I'm very happy I did because it has provided me with comfort when I have most needed it and allowed my to output my emotions into something worth while. I also managed to pass all the GCSE's that I took, something which I was very proud of, especially considering the events which occurred around the time of taking my exams. Another positive is that my friend and I started to watch American Horror Story, started being the key word as we are still on season two. I'm sure we will finish it at some point.
So, that was pretty much my year, a mixture of good and bad, days out, days in, laughs and cries It's been an emotional one and if going through all that has taught me any decent lessons then I could have done without learning them, I think i would have been happier. I am very much hoping for a more positive 2016, I'm sure it will be a great year because I have some truly amazing friends to spend it with. I wish you all a brilliant new year with lots of laughter and happiness.
See you all next year.
--- Aimee ---
Don't get me wrong, there have been some great things happen this year, some really great things. Unfortunately these have been overshadowed by what can only be described as the worst year of my entire life. There probably were far more positives than negatives but in terms of effect on me, the negatives had much of a larger impact.
I've always wanted something to actually happen in my life, something exciting or unusual for me. Up until this year I don't feel like anything significant really happened, just the same usual stuff day in day out. If I could go back I wouldn't wish to have an exciting life, I would feel content with my life, I would definitely not want any fucking drama.
Positive, positive, positive. Yes, many good things have happened this year, I'll begin with them. I finally finished Last Witness, which I had been attempting to finish for the months, if not, years. I also read The Longest Ride which was just the cutest book ever. After watching the film I decided to read The Lovely Bones, another brilliant read. (In case you missed them, I blogged about my feelings on both these books a couple of months back if you wanted to check them out.) Another of the books I read was Atonement, a rather unusual read for me but still very good nonetheless. As part of my English Literature course I have read King Lear and Death of a Salesman, both of which are fascinating reads. The current book I am reading is The Reader which, despite being heavily sexual in the first few chapters, is a brilliant and truly gripping book which I am hoping to finish in the coming weeks.
This year I have had numerous trips to the cinema. Earlier in the year I saw The Boy Next Door (seriously what the fuck was that movie, syringe in eye, ew ew ew) and Pitch Perfect 2 (there were seriously no faults, it was incredible although the worst cinema visit of my life but that's another story. During the summer I watched Ant-Man (my first marvel film and it was spectacular.) More recently I've seen The Visit (again what the fuck) and Miss You Already (I have never in my life cried so much at a film, it was absolutely heart-breaking) and yesterday I finally got round to watching Mockingjay Part Two (holy smokes it was one of the greatest films i have ever seen.) Aside from the cinema, I've also seen many films at home (mainly through Netflix). I watched Titanic, Forrest Gump, The Grinch and Back to the Future (1,2 and 3) again because why not. I watched many films for the first time; Bridget Jones Diary, It's a Wonderful Life (definitely a must see), About Time, Monsters University, Good Will Hunting, The Breakfast Club, The Notebook, Begin Again, What We Did On Our Holiday, Love Rosie, 6 Years, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Saving Mr Banks, The Best of Me, The Purge, Scary Movie and One Day. It's highly likely that I've seen many more films but I don't have the brain capacity to remember them all.
Personally, it's been a big year concert-wise, having attended five concerts in total (that's quite a lot for me.) In the first half of the year I saw Olly Murs and Luke Friend both of which were fantastic. Although not a concert, I attended Truck Festival during the summer (you can find a blog post about it that I wrote a few months back) where I first saw Slaves and also watched Clean Bandit, Lucy Rose, The Charlatans and Basement Jaxx. Unfortunately I had no more concerts until November in which I attended three in nine days, those being Imagine Dragons, Slaves and Scouting for Girls. All of them were flipping incredible and greats nights out. In terms of music, my preferences have changed quite dramatically with growing interests in bands such as Green Day, Neck Deep, My Chemical Romance, Blink-182 and Mayday Parade. I would definitely determine this as the year I've developed an independent music taste and listened to individual bands rather than listening to a particular genre as a whole.
As to not end this post on a sad and dark note, I'll go through the negatives now so I can come back to more positives before the end. Nothing really happened up until May that made me think 'crap things are getting so shit'. Before May I was happy (I use that term loosely as I'm not sure I have ever been happy with things for the past few years) but yes I was content, life was mediocre, not too much good, not too much bad. There are only two things I remember happening prior to May, well, two things that are worth mentioning. The first was that I stopped speaking to the guy that I had been speaking to on and off for the past few years. Luckily, we ended on bad terms so I didn't really miss him when we stopped speaking. The second thing was that, after 3 very painful and long years, I finally managed to get over the guy I had been in love with. The most unusual thing about it was all it took was my friend to tell me I had to move on for my feelings to rapidly vanish.
Around May time was the beginning of a downward spiral of things turning to shit. One of the most heartbreaking things happened around this time. And, I tell you if you want pain, watch your best friend cry when you can do nothing to help, the image will rip you apart. Of course I didn't want her to cry but it was her granddads (who was a really, truly amazing guy) funeral so I don't blame her, I cried my eyes out too. Prior to starting exams, my friends had made it clear that I was too sad for them to deal with and they stated they just ignored me because they didn't know how to help. Immediately I felt bad about how shit I had been feeling because it was effecting them although the majority of my feeling of this was how selfish it was of them. I had discussed a few times with one of my closest friends that I had looked into symptoms and behaviors of those with anxiety and told them I believed I also suffered from this. Although I hoped for sympathy and care, the response I got was that I hadn't been professionally diagnosed so it didn't count. I realized then that my friends didn't understand me and probably never would.
The weeks that followed provided me with two things; major stress from exams and my flaws being pointed out to me by my so called friends. Distraught is the only word suitable to describe how I felt by the continuing events although they did lead me to making one of the best decisions I have ever made. I decided I was worth better than the dismissal and negativity which they provided me and I walked away. At first it was easy, I spend various lunchtimes with other friends, it seemed I could just go on like this while I needed to. I wasn't overly bothered that I was now without a group. I didn't mind because I had individual friends who I could spend time with and, besides, if they were busy or I couldn't find them I could always go sit in a classroom and revise, an option I chose a lot of the time, an option which lead to the most heartbreaking phrase I have ever heard. But despite my best efforts to stay away from the toxic people in my life, their comments did not disappear so easily. There could be another reason for it but to me, the reason i sometimes struggle to eat two meals a day is because it is engraved into my brain that I should avoid eating too much in case comments are again made.
I remember that I had just entered the canteen after the bell had rang for the end of lunch when I had seen my friend. She had asked me where I had been at lunch and I told I had been sat on my own to which she replies 'sorry I would have come but the group is here'. Those few words broke me more than any others I have ever heard. That was one of the last times I spoke to her. I didn't want to be some second choice, pushed back in priority over these new found friends. What hurt me the most was that I would have dropped my group in a heartbeat if I needed to go help out or be with a friend who needed me, sure they would have said things in my absence but it wouldn't have bothered me, after all, I did have other friends who sometimes needed me.
Exams were a major part of this year and I am absolutely dreading AS exams this year. I really struggled to cope in the exam hall, it wasn't the exams but the environment. The thought that I will soon have to go through it again makes me feel ill. I don't think that having friends would have helped me dramatically but it would have been nice to have people there. I did have some people, about 3 or 4 I think but having already lost about 6, my mentality probably wasn't prepared for exam stress.
Over the summer many really great things happened; I had my first kiss, I took part in NCS, I went to a festival, I started a blog, I got a boyfriend. All in all, life was pretty damn great. For the third year running my family went on holiday with my bestfriends family, I went to visit family in Cornwall, it was a good time. Nearing the end of summer I believes that life was finally good again, all the shit had happened and the following school year would be bearable. Everything was fine, everything was great until about three weeks into term, until the shittest day of my life.
It was a school day so I wasn't mega excited but I had woken up feeling less tired than usual, ready for just another regular day. I had woken up to a message from one of the members of my old group, a letter of apology he called it, explaining how he finally realised the reason I had felt shit had been them and that he was sorry about it. I didn't forgive him because he has written that, I still haven't forgiven him but I think the main reason for that was because of what happened next. The day really was a normal day up until my third lesson. The school managers came to get me and I was very confused. I search my brain for why they would want to speak with me, what had I done wrong, who had I offended by accident, who was involved. I was sick with worry. It was explained to me (rather intimidatingly) that I had been posting severe negative thoughts about myself online and had been reported for posting suicidal thoughts. To this I was utterly confused as I hadn't posted anything recently that was anymore negative than usual and nothing I had posted had any direct meaning that I was suicidal. I was very confused until I was informed it was my old group who had reported me. It made sense then, I realized the reason I had been reported was because it was them who had discovered they were at fault for how I felt regularly and therefore they didn't want to be to blame if something happened. It was, in my opinion, entirely selfish.
This single event resulted in many changes. I had to speak to my mum about everything that had happened (I'm not one to share with family members my thought and feelings), I was signed up for school counselling, I grew a stronger feeling against my old group. I really didn't know how to act or feel or what the hell was going on. Luckily I had a fair amount of friends who helped me through this particular rough patch and I am ever so thankful to have them.
Since that dreadful day, things have got a lot better with very few negatives to talk about. I suppose the one thing worse mentioning is I found out one of my friends has cancer but even that is looking more positive now and she seems like she is going to be okay.
Twice this year I have had brief places in a group but I think I can now say that I'm better off without a group. So yes, positive things. Well obviously I started a blog up this year and I'm very happy I did because it has provided me with comfort when I have most needed it and allowed my to output my emotions into something worth while. I also managed to pass all the GCSE's that I took, something which I was very proud of, especially considering the events which occurred around the time of taking my exams. Another positive is that my friend and I started to watch American Horror Story, started being the key word as we are still on season two. I'm sure we will finish it at some point.
So, that was pretty much my year, a mixture of good and bad, days out, days in, laughs and cries It's been an emotional one and if going through all that has taught me any decent lessons then I could have done without learning them, I think i would have been happier. I am very much hoping for a more positive 2016, I'm sure it will be a great year because I have some truly amazing friends to spend it with. I wish you all a brilliant new year with lots of laughter and happiness.
See you all next year.
--- Aimee ---
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