Are You Satisfied?

Attending a concert like the one I did in the evening of Monday 16th November , I was very aware of being judges by those around me. Of course, I shouldn't care, it was a concert after all, I was there to enjoy myself not to make friends with every single person I saw. But I wouldn't really say I cared, more just curious about their thoughts. What was going through their minds when they saw me? Was I too young to be there? Did I appear to be too 'innocent'?

To put some context to this, the concert I attended was a band who go by the name of Slaves. If you've been reading my blog for some time then you may remember me mentioning Slaves as part of my blog post about Truck Festival back in July. However, if you haven't read this post then, like all of my friends, you will probably have no idea who Slaves are and, to be honest, I wouldn't blame you as there isn't any particular reason you should know. Plus, in the words of my brother 'it's not even singing it's just talking'. Ok, partly true, but either way it's insanely good and I don't think you can necessarily write it off as 'not being music' because of this.

The concert on Monday was absolutely brilliant and the atmosphere was terrific although it was not quite that of Truck. (Oh, how apt that I'm wearing my Truck hoodie as I write this post.) I had read up the set list previous to the concert and I was thrilled to see two of my favourite songs from them due to be performed.

As well as playing the majority of their album 'Are you satisfied?' (hence the blog post title) and various new songs, they also did a cover of Shut Down by Skepta of which they also performed when I saw them at Truck and, yet again, it was fucking insane. Biasedly, I'd say that the best songs they played were The Hunter, Cheer Up London, Sugar Coated Bitter Truth and 99. Ok, lets just say they were all fucking amazing.

One thing about the concert which struck me was the people who were there. (If you weren't already aware, Slaves are a duo from Kent who fit into the punk genre of music.) I won't lie, I was expecting a large number of rowdy, middle aged men. There were a fair few people at the concert who matched this description but, by no account were these the majority. Instead, the group of which I saw the largest number of people were punks. With piercings, dyed hair and dark clothing they're kind of hard to miss or associate with any other group. These are typical punks.

However, shockingly, these kind of people took up only a mere third of the crowd on Monday evening. The remaining crowd consisted of men and women from the age of about 8 up to that of past 65. I was shocked to see such a vast crowd and way more diverse than the last concert I attended on the previous Wednesday (I will get round to writing about that soon I swear.)

Despite the variations amongst us, everyone seemed to have a brilliant time.

When the band first came out, there was much excitement amongst the crowd. The lights came up, the duo came out and beer went flying in the air. The atmosphere was incredible and, in my opinion, the audience has a huge effect on the quality of the night as a whole. After all, who wants to be at a concert where people aren't out to have the time of their lives? Definitely not me.

The opportunity to attend this concert was sprung on my suddenly a mere three or four weeks ago. I was so ecstatic to be going as I had mentioned it to my mother when I first saw the release off tour dates but nothing further had come of it at the time. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have too much time for the excitement to build because (yet again) I would just spend months counting down to it. I guess the fact that I only knew who they were in July and tickets only went on sale back in September (maybe later, I can't remember) also play a part though.

Needless to say, even with a only a short wait, I was eagerly waiting for the date to arrive and I'm so very glad that I got the opportunity to go, even if it was at the last minute.

Before I end this blog post (which will be shortly as I'm not quite sure what else to say and I have other ideas to blog about) I want to mention that during a gig in Glasgow (I think) the drummer (and singer) of Slaves injured his arm. I feel so sorry for those who were meant to be going to the cancelled show, my thoughts go out the Isaac (the drummer) and wish him a speedy recovery.

I apologise for the shorter post and also the fact that I have been meaning to finish this post since I started it two weeks ago but oh well its finished now. And hopefully my next posts will require a lot less explaining and brackets to be used.

--- Aimee ---

Waiting to Live

As humans we are always waiting. Right now, everyone in the world is waiting for something, either good or bad. Stop and think, what is it you're waiting for?

That's all life is really, waiting around for things. I've always found myself waiting for something; waiting for the day to end, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the holidays. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Why is it that I am never content with life as it is right at this moment? Even when I am having the time of my life at a party or with one of my remarkable friends, my mind somehow always wanders to thinking how much I will miss that moment when its gone and how soon it will be over.

They are the two words which describe my life really; missing and waiting. I wait so long for something to happen and then I miss it the minute it is gone. I spend hours, days, weeks waiting for a particular day and then, suddenly it's here and it's gone.

I'm not overly sure how I feel about those posts about 'living in the moment' because I've tried and failed at doing so. How exactly does one live in the moment when that same moment will be over before you can even blink?

I'd like to be able to say I was one of those people who grabs every opportunity thrown at them with both hands but, unfortunately, I am not. Instead, I am one of those people who constantly looks forward to the next thing. No, I am not going to make the most out of my secondary school days while I can, I am going to sit and wait until the moment I can go off to university, until I get a full time job.

A sense of unfilled satisfaction fills my lungs until I reach the moment I have been longing for. That feeling disappears for the brief period where I am content and then it returns. A constant fear follows me that I am waiting and not really living.

It's common, to be young and just want to be older. I always wanted to be a teenager and do 'grown-up' things but really, I don't think these are the 'best years of your life' and, my god, if they are I'm in for a rather shitty life. But really, who is going to cherish the teenage years when all they are filled with is stress, pressure and competition?

It's not all bad, having something to look forward to. In my case, I guess it is all about having something to be happy about and look forward to, after all that's why we spend so much time waiting isn't it?

In this moment I'm waiting for tomorrow evening to attend a concert which I have waiting 7 long months for. It's been a heck of a long time coming around and wow, how different my life was 7 months ago when I first got the tickets. It seems mad to think I've spent all this time waiting for literally a few hours of happiness but I know it will be worth every single second which I have spent waiting.

I hope that my whole life isn't just the constant switching between waiting and missing. I hope I reach the point one day where I live in the moment, live the way people have always advised me to. 'But, don't you feel like you are wasting your life by not doing that now?' No to be honest, no I don't. Why would I want to cherish moments which I have no desire to remember? Moments which make me feel nothing but a bag of nerves most of the time.

I guess looking forward to finding happiness even if only briefly is a better way to live than dwelling on the sadness which engulfs us on a daily basis. As long as for that brief moment you try to appreciate life because what more can you do really? We are only human after all, it's in our nature to not value to worth of something until it's gone.

--- Aimee ---

Decisons, Decisions, Decisions

There's not a lot of which I'm truly certain about in my life. So many things are forever changing and breaking from the moulds which I once created. As a teenager there are so many options of what I could do and my god is it hard to choose. For me, the path of what I want to do hasn't really differed much since I was young although I am aware that this is rarely the case for those around me.

I've desperately wanted to blog again since my last post, in fact, the same day I uploaded my previous post I began work on a new one although I never got further than a sentence or two in to it. I will eventually finish (or start again) on the topic which that post was going to be about, yeah I'm sure I'll get round to doing it at some point.

In many ways, I don't think the issue is a lack of options, it's that there are too many options. I don't know if it's the society we live in or if it's me personally. I guess a big factor is being average at many things but not really excellent at any. I get inspired too easily in a way, it only takes a single picture of article to make me suddenly have a brand new idea about how I want to live.

I'm not so sure that any of this is making much sense so far so I guess that means it's time for me to bring in some examples. Hobbies would probably be a good place to start. I'd say writing is my number one hobby and probably the one I find easiest to do after a while of being away from it. This is the thing which I would like to peruse but even with this there are so many options.

People ask me what I want to do in the future and I immediately reply with 'writing'. But, they then go on to ask me what sort and I panic. Being an author has always been top of my list but some days I don't know if I have the skill or the patience to do it. Some days I would much rather prefer to write poems day in and day out. There are days where I just want to write songs for the rest of my life (but then what is the point if I will never be able to sing them.) I could write articles in magazines, in papers. I could write plays, film scripts. I really don't know. There are far too many things I could do.

I'm scared. I'm absolutely petrified that whichever path I choose will be the wrong one. What if I look back and realise I wasted a life time on work which was just plain shit? Sure I'd like to make something of myself but then again I don't know if I do?

It's constant. It's everyday. It's choices which are far too different but far too similar at the same time.

I am quite proud of myself if I'm honest, for sticking to this blog. Ok, I could probably do with uploading more regularly but I lack the inspiration and motivation most of the time. It's strange, in the past half hour I have started three posts because I didn't know what to write but now that I'm writing this it all flows easily (even if it is unstructured and confusing and makes no sense whatsoever.)

The habit of mine which I would kill to change is starting things. Don't get me wrong, I love to start a piece (of whatever) and see it blossom into a finished thing but honestly, the finishing bit rarely happens. I really thought that the summer just gone would be the time when I would do things. I thought I would learn and write songs on the keyboard. I learnt the choruses to two songs and I got a line into writing my own. I thought I would sew and stitch and make my own little things. I bought needles, thread and material, stored it in the new drawers I bought, never touched it again. I thought I would finally start to write a book. I never even wrote a word. I thought I would plan my neighbours wedding (a drunk decision from her). I never even touched my planning book. I thought I would
read tonnes of new books. That was probably the most successful thought as I read five.

It's not like this is how I want things to be. I would much rather get out my keyboard and learn more songs than sit on social media just procrastinating all the homework I should be doing. But the problem lies here, I know that I will spend about half an hour trying to learn a new song and after that time I will get bored and want to do something else. So, what's the point in starting something which I will give up on not too much later on?

This is my issue with life, there are far too many things which I want to do. Some part of me wants to move to New York, get a waitressing job and spend my time writing novels whilst sat in coffee shops. Another part of me wants to travel the world, help every person I can, indulge myself in cultures and new people, new places. I kind of want to go live in the country, get a job and just enjoy the nature and world around me for as long as I can.

And this isn't just a dilemma I fear of facing in the future, it's a fear I face almost every day. There are days I want to wear 90's fashion but there are days I want to look as punk as possible. Some days I want to read a whole book in a day and other days even watching a TV show feels like too much effort to do. There are days where I want to be the happiest person alive and spread happiness with everyone I see but, there are days where all I want to do is watch a sad film and cry and eat as much junk food as my body can cope with.

At the end of the day, all I really want to know is what do you do? What do you do when there are two extremes to choose from as well as so many other options stretching out between those extremes? How the hell do you choose just one option when there are hundreds of options to also choose from? I really hope I figure it all out one day and, when I've done that, I really hope I figure myself out.

--- Aimee ---