Decisons, Decisions, Decisions

There's not a lot of which I'm truly certain about in my life. So many things are forever changing and breaking from the moulds which I once created. As a teenager there are so many options of what I could do and my god is it hard to choose. For me, the path of what I want to do hasn't really differed much since I was young although I am aware that this is rarely the case for those around me.

I've desperately wanted to blog again since my last post, in fact, the same day I uploaded my previous post I began work on a new one although I never got further than a sentence or two in to it. I will eventually finish (or start again) on the topic which that post was going to be about, yeah I'm sure I'll get round to doing it at some point.

In many ways, I don't think the issue is a lack of options, it's that there are too many options. I don't know if it's the society we live in or if it's me personally. I guess a big factor is being average at many things but not really excellent at any. I get inspired too easily in a way, it only takes a single picture of article to make me suddenly have a brand new idea about how I want to live.

I'm not so sure that any of this is making much sense so far so I guess that means it's time for me to bring in some examples. Hobbies would probably be a good place to start. I'd say writing is my number one hobby and probably the one I find easiest to do after a while of being away from it. This is the thing which I would like to peruse but even with this there are so many options.

People ask me what I want to do in the future and I immediately reply with 'writing'. But, they then go on to ask me what sort and I panic. Being an author has always been top of my list but some days I don't know if I have the skill or the patience to do it. Some days I would much rather prefer to write poems day in and day out. There are days where I just want to write songs for the rest of my life (but then what is the point if I will never be able to sing them.) I could write articles in magazines, in papers. I could write plays, film scripts. I really don't know. There are far too many things I could do.

I'm scared. I'm absolutely petrified that whichever path I choose will be the wrong one. What if I look back and realise I wasted a life time on work which was just plain shit? Sure I'd like to make something of myself but then again I don't know if I do?

It's constant. It's everyday. It's choices which are far too different but far too similar at the same time.

I am quite proud of myself if I'm honest, for sticking to this blog. Ok, I could probably do with uploading more regularly but I lack the inspiration and motivation most of the time. It's strange, in the past half hour I have started three posts because I didn't know what to write but now that I'm writing this it all flows easily (even if it is unstructured and confusing and makes no sense whatsoever.)

The habit of mine which I would kill to change is starting things. Don't get me wrong, I love to start a piece (of whatever) and see it blossom into a finished thing but honestly, the finishing bit rarely happens. I really thought that the summer just gone would be the time when I would do things. I thought I would learn and write songs on the keyboard. I learnt the choruses to two songs and I got a line into writing my own. I thought I would sew and stitch and make my own little things. I bought needles, thread and material, stored it in the new drawers I bought, never touched it again. I thought I would finally start to write a book. I never even wrote a word. I thought I would plan my neighbours wedding (a drunk decision from her). I never even touched my planning book. I thought I would
read tonnes of new books. That was probably the most successful thought as I read five.

It's not like this is how I want things to be. I would much rather get out my keyboard and learn more songs than sit on social media just procrastinating all the homework I should be doing. But the problem lies here, I know that I will spend about half an hour trying to learn a new song and after that time I will get bored and want to do something else. So, what's the point in starting something which I will give up on not too much later on?

This is my issue with life, there are far too many things which I want to do. Some part of me wants to move to New York, get a waitressing job and spend my time writing novels whilst sat in coffee shops. Another part of me wants to travel the world, help every person I can, indulge myself in cultures and new people, new places. I kind of want to go live in the country, get a job and just enjoy the nature and world around me for as long as I can.

And this isn't just a dilemma I fear of facing in the future, it's a fear I face almost every day. There are days I want to wear 90's fashion but there are days I want to look as punk as possible. Some days I want to read a whole book in a day and other days even watching a TV show feels like too much effort to do. There are days where I want to be the happiest person alive and spread happiness with everyone I see but, there are days where all I want to do is watch a sad film and cry and eat as much junk food as my body can cope with.

At the end of the day, all I really want to know is what do you do? What do you do when there are two extremes to choose from as well as so many other options stretching out between those extremes? How the hell do you choose just one option when there are hundreds of options to also choose from? I really hope I figure it all out one day and, when I've done that, I really hope I figure myself out.

--- Aimee ---