Waiting to Live

As humans we are always waiting. Right now, everyone in the world is waiting for something, either good or bad. Stop and think, what is it you're waiting for?

That's all life is really, waiting around for things. I've always found myself waiting for something; waiting for the day to end, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the holidays. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Why is it that I am never content with life as it is right at this moment? Even when I am having the time of my life at a party or with one of my remarkable friends, my mind somehow always wanders to thinking how much I will miss that moment when its gone and how soon it will be over.

They are the two words which describe my life really; missing and waiting. I wait so long for something to happen and then I miss it the minute it is gone. I spend hours, days, weeks waiting for a particular day and then, suddenly it's here and it's gone.

I'm not overly sure how I feel about those posts about 'living in the moment' because I've tried and failed at doing so. How exactly does one live in the moment when that same moment will be over before you can even blink?

I'd like to be able to say I was one of those people who grabs every opportunity thrown at them with both hands but, unfortunately, I am not. Instead, I am one of those people who constantly looks forward to the next thing. No, I am not going to make the most out of my secondary school days while I can, I am going to sit and wait until the moment I can go off to university, until I get a full time job.

A sense of unfilled satisfaction fills my lungs until I reach the moment I have been longing for. That feeling disappears for the brief period where I am content and then it returns. A constant fear follows me that I am waiting and not really living.

It's common, to be young and just want to be older. I always wanted to be a teenager and do 'grown-up' things but really, I don't think these are the 'best years of your life' and, my god, if they are I'm in for a rather shitty life. But really, who is going to cherish the teenage years when all they are filled with is stress, pressure and competition?

It's not all bad, having something to look forward to. In my case, I guess it is all about having something to be happy about and look forward to, after all that's why we spend so much time waiting isn't it?

In this moment I'm waiting for tomorrow evening to attend a concert which I have waiting 7 long months for. It's been a heck of a long time coming around and wow, how different my life was 7 months ago when I first got the tickets. It seems mad to think I've spent all this time waiting for literally a few hours of happiness but I know it will be worth every single second which I have spent waiting.

I hope that my whole life isn't just the constant switching between waiting and missing. I hope I reach the point one day where I live in the moment, live the way people have always advised me to. 'But, don't you feel like you are wasting your life by not doing that now?' No to be honest, no I don't. Why would I want to cherish moments which I have no desire to remember? Moments which make me feel nothing but a bag of nerves most of the time.

I guess looking forward to finding happiness even if only briefly is a better way to live than dwelling on the sadness which engulfs us on a daily basis. As long as for that brief moment you try to appreciate life because what more can you do really? We are only human after all, it's in our nature to not value to worth of something until it's gone.

--- Aimee ---