Always The Shy Kid

I'm not sure about you but, for me there are few memories I have of primary school. I don't particularly remember too much about the first few years of secondary school either. School prior to Year 9 is pretty much one big blur for me.

One big blur. A blur of school productions, school trips and endless learning. But there was one thing, one single thing which stood out. It wasn't my exceptional talent at subject nor was it my fantastic group of friends (of which I never had.) It was simpler than that. A short phrase used to describe me on more occasions than I can count.

No, it wasn't a nasty comment. Not a comment on my appearance, my weight, my face or my hair. And I'm sure that it wasn't a comment intended to hurt or upset me, no if that had been the case there are plenty of other things which could have been said.

I remember vividly, every school report without fail would contain the words 'Aimee is a very quiet girl who needs to contribute more to class discussions' (or at least words to that effect.)

Every single time. Every parents evening, every term's report. The same old thing. I never quite got it, always thinking 'they make it sound so easy'. I knew it wasn't something that would just happen, here we are 10 years later and slight improvements are occurring but nothing drastic.

It has always been something that bugged me. My classwork would be marked down purely because I didn't want to talk in class. Why? Does my knowledge have a direct link with my confidence because I really don't think it does. Ok, I do sympathise that teachers may not be able to judge your understanding of the subject if you are not inputting in class discussion but it shouldn't matter to the extent that teachers make out it does.

It really gets tiring being told to 'speak up more'. It's almost as if people don't realise it doesn't come that easy. They seem to think that telling you that you should do something will automatically make it happen. Granted that over the years some teachers have been more understanding than other but, despite their efforts, I think it's probably a lost cause in my case.

Last year this topic featured in one my lessons which I remember very well. As a class we were mentoring a younger group from a nearby school. My class consisted of fairly confident people, good group leaders, public speakers, people very different from myself.

Needless to say, the rest of us left the talking up to them on most occasions. This being the case, we all had to run our own sessions in groups. The week I had been dreading came, the week I had to lead the session. Despite my worries, all went well. They could have gone better but I was satisfied with it. Then came the trip back to school.

A short journey but one where the group would analyse how the session went. Then came the joke. The joke which has haunted me every day since. 'Oh my god Aimee, you actually spoke today' said in the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard.

It was that exact moment where I learnt that people don't understand. That comment hurt me in so many ways. People know their own weaknesses, I am aware mine is a lack of confidence. It's a shitty thing to do to point them out to someone, let alone make fun of them.

From that day on I've been faced with a decision, stay quiet and get the same old comments time and time again or speak up and get shot down and mocked for doing so. It's a difficult thing to get my head around if I'm honest. People want you to have more confidence and speak more but then, at the same time, make a joke of it when you do so.

It would be a lie to say it doesn't bother me anymore, being the quiet kid in class. However, it is true that it doesn't bother me as much. I guess it's like anything where I've just got used to it.

But, the thing is, people still don't understand. They don't understand how words can hurt even if unintentional. Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot of courage to just say a few words and, my god, does it hurt like fuck to be shot down.

I wish that that was the only comment I had received about my confidence which upset me but, unfortunately it wasn't. Why wasn't it? I could probably answer that in a couple of words. Easy target. Because, lets face it, the shy, quiet kid in class isn't exactly going to stand up for themselves if they get insulted are they?

I can't even begin to explain the amount of times I've wanted to say something, give my opinion, question a point given but I just can't. There is forever an overwhelming feeling of fear. I'm scared. I'll admit that. I'm absolutely petrified that if I make a comment which is seen as 'out of character' for me, people will start talking.

I've often wondered about other people. How some people find it so easy. Some find it easy to speak up others find it easy to judge. I don't understand it myself. Why the hell would you make fun of someone when they are desperately trying to become more accepted to you?

This year I've been a hell of a lot better, I know that. I don't find it as terrifying to speak up all the time, its slowly getting easier. But by saying it's getting 'better' I don't mean it's a piece of cake. I don't know how easy it is for people unlike me to understand the feeling. The utter fear to be wrong, to be laughed at. I can act like I don't care even when I do.

It's better in some classes than in others and that could be down to the teachers, students or class size I don't know. I am thankful that something has changed, and I don't know what it is that has but something has and its making things slowly improve.

What sticks out to me is this, every single time it got called upon, it would be under 'improvements to be made'. Now, I never really thought much of that but, looking back over it today, I realise how horrible that is. I know now that every teacher who said it had my lack of confidence down as a weakness. That they all wanted me to change to be better. Who ever said that confidence made you a better person? The two don't go hand in hand.

It's not a lifestyle choice, a skill or anything else, it's part of my personality. I shouldn't be seen as being 'not as good' as the people who share my levels of intelligence but who happen to have the confidence that I am lacking. Please, base my grades on my knowledge not my confidence, they won't equal the same result.

In my opinion, you should thank your lucky stars if you have the confidence to speak what you think without also having the crippling fear of being judged, talked about or mocked, it's not a nice feeling to be stuck with. If you are in constant fear, you will be ok. It's one heck of a tough battle but you will slowly improve, even if others don't acknowledge the development I am proud of you.

There always will be a 'shy kid' in class. Whether that kid is you or not, never mock them for speaking up. If anything, provide them with the water, the water in which they need to blossom into the most remarkable thing they can possibly be.

--- Aimee ---

A Developed Music Taste

Growing up I always had a peculiar music taste. Heavy influence from both my parents meant I spent many of my younger years listening to the likes of The Beatles, Madness, Simply Red (which was the first concert I ever went to) and other bands who were primarily deemed as '80's' bands. I remember that most nights I would put on my 'Smash Hits 80's' video before going to sleep and be enhanced by the music videos as well as the music itself.

It never really occurred to be that I had a strange music taste. Bands I listened to had been around 30 years prior to me listening to them, some dead, some broken up but it didn't bother me. In my eyes it was real music. I went through stages of liking and disliking current pop music. I think that most of the time I was just listening to it because it was catchy and it was 'cool' to be into that sort of thing.

When I first began to have my own CD's I had a very varied mix. My first CD's consisted of that of; Leona Lewis, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Michael Jackson and many different Now's. I don't ever really think that I thought I was 'cool' by listening to the music I did, more that I just listened to what I enjoyed.

Everyone, no matter who they are has a favourite band. Obviously with time that changes but there will always be that one band that would have been your first obsession. The band that you knew all the members of, all their songs. The band that was the reason you learnt what an obsession truly was. I'm not ashamed to admit that, for me, that band was Steps.

Even today, when I go back and listen to one of their songs, the memories of my childhood come flooding back. To be honest, I don't actually know why I got into them. I have absolutely no regrets of spending so much time listening to them but how it panned out in that way is a mystery to me. Sure, many would say that they were just a cheesy, typical early 2000's band but lets face it, they were good and their songs were darn catchy.

Over the years, I have become attached to many other bands but I don't think I'll ever find a band which will be able to replace the way I felt about the first band I ever loved. Since Steps, I would say that my other main obsession bands would probably be; Westlife, U2, Bon Jovi, Scouting for Girls, Imagine Dragons, Slaves, Green Day, My Chemical Romance and Neck Deep, all of which I have gone through phases of listening to a shit tonne and then barely listening to.

I wouldn't be able to explain my music taste to someone if I tried. More recently I have got into more punk/rock music but still with hints of older music still there. Many times I have given up mid-way through creating a playlist because I know I will miss out many bands and genres by accident because there is just too many to list.

Other than the few bands which I adore, there is one big issue when it comes to music I like, that issue is being a single-song-addict (ok I just made that name up). But seriously, for some reason there are about 30 different bands/artists where I only really like one (or two) of their songs. I'm sure if I had the effort I could get into more of their stuff but honestly, who has the time?

I don't particularly understand people who exclusively attach themselves to a specific genre. My main question to those people that do is; how? For me, the punk/rock genre appeals most and includes many great bands, artists and songs. So yes, I would say that is my main music genre. But I honestly don't think I could listen to Green Day all the time and not listen to the likes of Taylor Swift, McFly and Coldplay.

Sure, if I'm in my room I'll regularly blast out some Neck Deep or My Chemical Romance but, at the same time, if a 'Top 100 Power Ballads' show was on, I would hurry downstairs and enjoy my heart strings being torn apart.

I think that's what my music has in common, the ability to tear a person to shreds through the magic of words. There are plenty of songs which I can't listen to without feeling like an emotional wreck and I love it. Truly Madly Deeply//Savage Garden, My Heart Will Go On//Celine Dion, Bed of Roses//Bon Jovi to name a few.

It's a very special thing, when you find a song and it give you chills. I listen to some songs and just think 'holy shit how can a human voice be strung together in such a way that the sound is similar to that of what I imagine an angel must sound like.' Whether its the lyrics, the music or the vocals, it's close to that of perfection.

I know that I'll never find a singular group which all my music falls into but that's ok. I like to be able to transform from a rebellious punk to worshipper of the angelic Taylor Swift within the switch of a song. No amount of persuasion will ever convince me that I have to stick to a single genre and, because I don't have to of course that means that I won't. Why would you limit yourself on a topic as vast as music? Why would you want to exclude the perfection of any given genre?

Enjoy as much music as you can, no matter how different because sometimes we discover things which make us feel a way which we never before thought was possible and sometimes it's the best feeling on this entire planet.

--- Aimee ---

Fearful Lies

"No thanks I have a boyfriend."

I'm sure many of use have used this line from time to time. Whether it to decline a drink, date or phone number. Its something a lot of us say and people tend to nod, apologise and leave us alone. Seems harmless right? Being hit on and refusing by mentioning a boyfriend; simple, believable, truthful.

In my little life, I have only had to say this twice. On two separate occasions, to two separate people, for two separate reasons.

Lets start with the first then. It was around about 3/4 months ago. A guy was speaking to me constantly and I had no interest in him. We'd spoken a few years back and I had learnt from then that he got quite attached and clingy quite quickly. Message after message, week after week I would get him asking to meet. I declined this offer and stated that I didn't want to and didn't feel anything for him.

To this, he simply continued to message me constantly to the point where I was getting annoyed. Why wouldn't he respect my feelings and leave me alone? I'd told him straight that I didn't want to but he insisted we met. I guess some context is needed here, I do know the guy in real life, I've known him for a few years and see him around often but have never wanted anything from him, either a relationship or a friendship.

After a while I found myself telling him that I had a boyfriend. Now, this wasn't completely true nor was it complete bullshit. I was actually seeing someone but I didn't want to go into any detail so I left it at 'I have a boyfriend, please leave me alone'. And now I find myself asking why?

I felt safer by telling him I had a boyfriend than I did telling him I wasn't interested. What fucked up logic. Maybe its because I know that a boy will respect another boy more than they will a girl. Maybe its because I would rather hid away behind a boy than stand up and say how I feel.

I'm sorry if you don't feel the same but, generally, boys are respected more by other boys. Girls feel safer to mention a boyfriend than say how they really feel. Society has taught us that boys feelings and opinions are worth a lot more than that of a girl. You tell me it isn't fucked that an excuse for not wanting to do something means more than a personal opinion.

Of course this isn't all boys, I know that. There are some great guys out there but, unfortunately they are in the minority. But why must girls feel the need to make an excuse, whatever it may be, to decline a boy? Are our opinions not considered to be important or accepted? Is that really the way society should be allowed to be?

Anyways, following on from the first occasion, the second came only a month or so ago. A boy who I had previously been associated with messaged me to ask me if we could be 'friends with benefits' or pretty much that scenario. The answer I gave to this was the same as before, 'I have a boyfriend'. This time I wasn't lying. I was 100% truthful and it resulted in the guy leaving me alone for good. Now, of course, I wouldn't know what the outcome would have been if I had said otherwise.

I guess it was relevant to say. Any other reponse would be seen as me 'hiding' the fact I have a boyfriend perhaps? I can't really say that I only said it to get him off my back, I simply stated the situation and its not like I went out of my way to do that.

The point of sharing those two stories was just to assist my point really, not to be the main focus. Those are just my experiences and I appreciate others have had more encounters with such situations. However, despite the situation, the outcome has chillingly remained the same.

The fact that men respect men still stands. Yes, respect is good but, respect based on genders? I think I'll pass if that's the case. I don't want respect for being female in the same way I wouldn't if I were a male. Yes, I want respect but I want it because others accept that I am human. I have thoughts, opinions and ideas.

If society remains this way, where women are not thought to have valid thoughts then where will things lead to? I don't want to fear speaking my mind. If I don't want to do something or go somewhere, it should be accepted that that is my decision. No reasoning needs to be given if that individual doesn't wish to give any.

Pretending that there isn't an issue doesn't fix it. What does fix and issue is accepting that a change needs to be made. I don't know when or what it will take to get equal respect but I am hopeful. I am hopeful for a change. Hopeful that one day a simple 'no' will be enough to state how I feel and avoid further interrogation on the matter.

--- Aimee ---

Just Another Outcast

"You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions."

Recognise the quote? If you do I applaud you on your film taste. If you didn't know, it is from a truly brilliant film entitled 'The Breakfast Club'.

Ah, The Breakfast Club, what a film. It's one of those films that you sort of just sit through but, when you get to the end you look back and realise that you have just witnessed a masterpiece, a true telling of both school and society. I think that quote really summarises the whole film, all about how cliques are separated from each other and how you are defined by the group you are in.

I assume you are thinking this to be a film 'review' (or at least an in-my-opinion-review) but, in all honesty, I have tried to write one about this film before and it just didn't seem to flow. The main issue which is covered by the film is stereotypes, or, more specifically, stereotypes determined by your social group.

Social grouping is a very interesting topic to me. Who even knows how we get into the groups that we do? Maybe it's our actions, our looks, our hobbies and interests? Possibly a mix of them all I guess.

But social groups are extremely 'important' to teenagers especially. I don't mean that they are important as in you worry about it a lot or it concerns you greatly, of course it might do but I mean more that it is relevant and current.

No matter who you are, you will be in a specific group, you may have not defined yourself by this group but, believe me, others will. Even if you somehow don't manage to fit the criteria of any of the main cliques, you have your own. Unfortunately, this is commonly known as 'the outcasts'.

I'm not too sure that cliques are all bad to be honest. You are with people similar to you which is always nice to have right? You share hobbies, interests and friends. Sure, there are many great points and a sense of 'belonging' has a big impact but, what about when you are only a nerd, a pretty girl, a cool guy, an outcast? What then? Do all the things that make us each unique go out the window?

I'm afraid this is usually the case. Personally, I try to give everyone a chance but, there are some groups which I just don't interact with. Mainly by lack of similarities if I'm honest. This usually leads to me avoiding people from this groups or cliques. It may seem harsh but, it's not as though anyone's missing out on much by not speaking to me, we probably wouldn't get on anyways.

Sadly, that's usually the case. Avoiding anyone who doesn't belong to your clique. Afraid of the judgement which lurks over your decision of who you interact with.

I've never quite got it. Never quite understood why people decide to indulge their time and effort into one particular group. I don't know what it is, maybe my unusual mix of hobbies, my unusual music taste or my unusual personality that has made me be such an outcast.

Being an 'outcast' has its perks as well as having its drawbacks if I'm being honest. It's not exactly the thing I'd like to be thought of as or be remembered by though. I don't feel as though I am the 'weirdest' of the 'outcasts' which is probably a blessing which has made life a bit more bearable.

But, as I wander through life, I feel that's what I am. I'm viewed by my peers as an outcast. I am seen as one of those people you don't want to be seen talking to, it might not be the reality of it but it's how things have always come across to me.

I don't want sympathy. I don't want to hear the 'you're lovely, everyone wants you be friends with you'. I'm done with that bullshit. Don't tell me how I should feel, I don't and that's that. These cliques have been embedded into our society for such time that people don't even think twice about it. It's accepted. When one of the 'popular' group members doesn't speak to me it's just another 'well that's life I guess' and a move on.

The issue isn't being in a group, the issue is only being part of a group. Depending on how you read that last line you may or may not understand what I mean. Expanding on it I mean that its ok to be in a group, to have your friends, to share interests, to belong somewhere. When it becomes an issue is when you are only seen as a person in that group, you are one of the many, the same as the others, no longer your own person.

Soon enough we all grow up. We will all leave behind these groups which we were associated with at one time or another. We begin to live as our own person. You may learn things about yourself which you never knew before because you were shielded behind the identity that your group had.

Whatever you are doing in your life, a job, school, college, just living, don't be afraid to be involved in a group. Just make sure you aren't just another person in that group. Ensure you are still seen as a person in your own respect, don't ever only be defined by the group you belong to. Don't let people see you in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions, let them see you and how fucking amazing you are.

--- Aimee ---

Compliment or Unnecessary Comment?

Surrounding the world of, well just about anything I guess, there is the underlying issue of double standards. I'm sure everyone has their share of experience with the matter. When you've been treated differently for some shitty reason that you are likely to have no control over. It's not fair, nor should it be seen as 'just something that happens'.

I guess this post is going to go down the same route as many of my other posts, along the topic of equality. Noted that it's a fairly vast topic, with many smaller sub-categories spiralling off of it. I guess to me, that's actually really helpful as it allows me to blog many times about many different forms of it, something I do thoroughly enjoy.

The idea of 'feminism' seems to scare some people, whether its down to education or fear of women actually achieving equal rights I honestly don't know. But nevertheless, there is really fear in some people. It really saddens me how oblivious some people are to the actual concept of it and how some truly believe that its women trying to take over. I must insist that, if you do fall into the category of being uneducated on the concepts and beliefs of feminism, you go away and educate yourself before continuing reading this post.

In my experience, it's the very issue of inequality from which most double standards sprout from. the typical 'men should be muscly' but 'women who are muscly are gross and manly'. Or maybe it's the things which you are not allowed to participate in for no good reason, solely due to your gender.

I'm not some professional psychologist but I understand my feelings (sometimes). I understand what makes me happy and what I could do without. As much as I don't know how to react or don't believe it, like most people I think, I love to be complemented. There's no getting away from the fact that someone being nice to you about your personality, looks or other aspects of yourself really makes you feel warm inside.

For instance, last week, I was complimented twice on my body, a very usual occurrence to me which made it even sweeter. The two comments were on the lines of  'I'm so jealous of your body' and 'you look in great shape at the moment'. I think it would be difficult to argue that these are unpleasant compliments. They were told with the intent to make me feel good and consisted of nothing disgusting.

It's times like these when, boys especially, usually get mad. With the argument that a girl gets pissed off when they 'compliment' them. And I can personally tell you, that if a girl gets pissed for this its usually down to one thing, the phrasing of your so called 'compliment'.

By all means compliment a girl but tell her what you feel in an appropriate way. What do you mean appropriate? I hear you ask. Well, I mean in a way that compliments her for her. All of these modern 'compliments' really aren't compliments at all.

Calling a girl 'sexy' (or something similar) IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. And as I say this I can almost hear the laughter of teenage boys. 'What do you mean it's not a compliment, I'd love to be called sexy by a girl'. Saying that someone is 'sexy' is saying that you find them sexually attractive, connoting that you would want to fuck them. 'Why does that mean it's not a compliment?' Are you, yourself, asking that right now?

I'll tell you why that's not an acceptable compliment. That's not an acceptable compliment because you are directly linking the beauty of someone to your desire to have sex with them. Reality check, girls are attractive in their own rights, they are not attractive so you can have sex with them. In the simplest form, your 'compliment' objectifies women to say that beauty and sex lie hand in hand.

Furthering that same point, you are also directly linking their beauty to their body. No one calls someone's face 'sexy', its a compliment purely about their body and how well it fits your standards, society's standards, the definition of 'beautiful'.

The main issue really is the connotations of the comments that are made. If you are complimenting a woman on her beauty in it's own rights then please,  continue to do so. But, if you are complimenting a woman in terms of your sexual desires, that is not ok. Women are valuable in their own rights,  not to be determined by your preferences.

Not only 'sexy' but other compliments. If by your compliments of 'hot', 'peng' or 'banging' you are subtly telling said person that you would have sex with them, is it a compliment? To be quite honest, depending on your relationship with the girl, they probably don't care. In the same way that girls don't wear makeup to impress boys (shocking, I know), they also don't look good to get sex. Yes okay, some of them probably do. Difference between the girls that do and the girls that I'm talking about? Age. It's my generation that are doing it for themselves. 13/14/15/16 year olds don't look good to impress or to get sexual attention.

A further point on this matter, there is literally no correct way to take a compliment. It completely depends on the situation, the person and their history. Please don't discourage a girl for not believing you, or, on the other hand, accepting your compliment. Girls (and boys too of course) have their own, individual reasons for reacting in the way they do in a situation in which they get complimented. Don't assume a reaction to your compliment before it is given. And, whilst on that point, don't assume that a person is entitled to do something for you because you complimented them.

If you compliment a person, in my opinion, it should be whole-heartedly to make the person feel good. Not for your own personal gain, whether its sex, modesty or to be complimented in return. And, to bring things to a close (because otherwise I will go off subject completely like always) make sure that when you do compliment a person (male or female, young or old) please keep it decent and before saying it, think to yourself, is this really a compliment?

--- Aimee ---