2015, well its been one hell of a year, changes have happened by the dozen, I'm going to try to give a summary of my year during this blog post but, for now lets rewind to 1st January. I woke up on the hard, wooden floor of someone I had only met the previous day. I was freezing and was surviving on about an hours sleep in total. That day I really, truly believed that this would be 'my year'. I hoped for such potential and greatness, oh how wrong I was.
Don't get me wrong, there have been some great things happen this year, some really great things. Unfortunately these have been overshadowed by what can only be described as the worst year of my entire life. There probably were far more positives than negatives but in terms of effect on me, the negatives had much of a larger impact.
I've always wanted something to actually happen in my life, something exciting or unusual for me. Up until this year I don't feel like anything significant really happened, just the same usual stuff day in day out. If I could go back I wouldn't wish to have an exciting life, I would feel content with my life, I would definitely not want any fucking drama.
Positive, positive, positive. Yes, many good things have happened this year, I'll begin with them. I finally finished Last Witness, which I had been attempting to finish for the months, if not, years. I also read The Longest Ride which was just the cutest book ever. After watching the film I decided to read The Lovely Bones, another brilliant read. (In case you missed them, I blogged about my feelings on both these books a couple of months back if you wanted to check them out.) Another of the books I read was Atonement, a rather unusual read for me but still very good nonetheless. As part of my English Literature course I have read King Lear and Death of a Salesman, both of which are fascinating reads. The current book I am reading is The Reader which, despite being heavily sexual in the first few chapters, is a brilliant and truly gripping book which I am hoping to finish in the coming weeks.
This year I have had numerous trips to the cinema. Earlier in the year I saw The Boy Next Door (seriously what the fuck was that movie, syringe in eye, ew ew ew) and Pitch Perfect 2 (there were seriously no faults, it was incredible although the worst cinema visit of my life but that's another story. During the summer I watched Ant-Man (my first marvel film and it was spectacular.) More recently I've seen The Visit (again what the fuck) and Miss You Already (I have never in my life cried so much at a film, it was absolutely heart-breaking) and yesterday I finally got round to watching Mockingjay Part Two (holy smokes it was one of the greatest films i have ever seen.) Aside from the cinema, I've also seen many films at home (mainly through Netflix). I watched Titanic, Forrest Gump, The Grinch and Back to the Future (1,2 and 3) again because why not. I watched many films for the first time; Bridget Jones Diary, It's a Wonderful Life (definitely a must see), About Time, Monsters University, Good Will Hunting, The Breakfast Club, The Notebook, Begin Again, What We Did On Our Holiday, Love Rosie, 6 Years, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Saving Mr Banks, The Best of Me, The Purge, Scary Movie and One Day. It's highly likely that I've seen many more films but I don't have the brain capacity to remember them all.
Personally, it's been a big year concert-wise, having attended five concerts in total (that's quite a lot for me.) In the first half of the year I saw Olly Murs and Luke Friend both of which were fantastic. Although not a concert, I attended Truck Festival during the summer (you can find a blog post about it that I wrote a few months back) where I first saw Slaves and also watched Clean Bandit, Lucy Rose, The Charlatans and Basement Jaxx. Unfortunately I had no more concerts until November in which I attended three in nine days, those being Imagine Dragons, Slaves and Scouting for Girls. All of them were flipping incredible and greats nights out. In terms of music, my preferences have changed quite dramatically with growing interests in bands such as Green Day, Neck Deep, My Chemical Romance, Blink-182 and Mayday Parade. I would definitely determine this as the year I've developed an independent music taste and listened to individual bands rather than listening to a particular genre as a whole.
As to not end this post on a sad and dark note, I'll go through the negatives now so I can come back to more positives before the end. Nothing really happened up until May that made me think 'crap things are getting so shit'. Before May I was happy (I use that term loosely as I'm not sure I have ever been happy with things for the past few years) but yes I was content, life was mediocre, not too much good, not too much bad. There are only two things I remember happening prior to May, well, two things that are worth mentioning. The first was that I stopped speaking to the guy that I had been speaking to on and off for the past few years. Luckily, we ended on bad terms so I didn't really miss him when we stopped speaking. The second thing was that, after 3 very painful and long years, I finally managed to get over the guy I had been in love with. The most unusual thing about it was all it took was my friend to tell me I had to move on for my feelings to rapidly vanish.
Around May time was the beginning of a downward spiral of things turning to shit. One of the most heartbreaking things happened around this time. And, I tell you if you want pain, watch your best friend cry when you can do nothing to help, the image will rip you apart. Of course I didn't want her to cry but it was her granddads (who was a really, truly amazing guy) funeral so I don't blame her, I cried my eyes out too. Prior to starting exams, my friends had made it clear that I was too sad for them to deal with and they stated they just ignored me because they didn't know how to help. Immediately I felt bad about how shit I had been feeling because it was effecting them although the majority of my feeling of this was how selfish it was of them. I had discussed a few times with one of my closest friends that I had looked into symptoms and behaviors of those with anxiety and told them I believed I also suffered from this. Although I hoped for sympathy and care, the response I got was that I hadn't been professionally diagnosed so it didn't count. I realized then that my friends didn't understand me and probably never would.
The weeks that followed provided me with two things; major stress from exams and my flaws being pointed out to me by my so called friends. Distraught is the only word suitable to describe how I felt by the continuing events although they did lead me to making one of the best decisions I have ever made. I decided I was worth better than the dismissal and negativity which they provided me and I walked away. At first it was easy, I spend various lunchtimes with other friends, it seemed I could just go on like this while I needed to. I wasn't overly bothered that I was now without a group. I didn't mind because I had individual friends who I could spend time with and, besides, if they were busy or I couldn't find them I could always go sit in a classroom and revise, an option I chose a lot of the time, an option which lead to the most heartbreaking phrase I have ever heard. But despite my best efforts to stay away from the toxic people in my life, their comments did not disappear so easily. There could be another reason for it but to me, the reason i sometimes struggle to eat two meals a day is because it is engraved into my brain that I should avoid eating too much in case comments are again made.
I remember that I had just entered the canteen after the bell had rang for the end of lunch when I had seen my friend. She had asked me where I had been at lunch and I told I had been sat on my own to which she replies 'sorry I would have come but the group is here'. Those few words broke me more than any others I have ever heard. That was one of the last times I spoke to her. I didn't want to be some second choice, pushed back in priority over these new found friends. What hurt me the most was that I would have dropped my group in a heartbeat if I needed to go help out or be with a friend who needed me, sure they would have said things in my absence but it wouldn't have bothered me, after all, I did have other friends who sometimes needed me.
Exams were a major part of this year and I am absolutely dreading AS exams this year. I really struggled to cope in the exam hall, it wasn't the exams but the environment. The thought that I will soon have to go through it again makes me feel ill. I don't think that having friends would have helped me dramatically but it would have been nice to have people there. I did have some people, about 3 or 4 I think but having already lost about 6, my mentality probably wasn't prepared for exam stress.
Over the summer many really great things happened; I had my first kiss, I took part in NCS, I went to a festival, I started a blog, I got a boyfriend. All in all, life was pretty damn great. For the third year running my family went on holiday with my bestfriends family, I went to visit family in Cornwall, it was a good time. Nearing the end of summer I believes that life was finally good again, all the shit had happened and the following school year would be bearable. Everything was fine, everything was great until about three weeks into term, until the shittest day of my life.
It was a school day so I wasn't mega excited but I had woken up feeling less tired than usual, ready for just another regular day. I had woken up to a message from one of the members of my old group, a letter of apology he called it, explaining how he finally realised the reason I had felt shit had been them and that he was sorry about it. I didn't forgive him because he has written that, I still haven't forgiven him but I think the main reason for that was because of what happened next. The day really was a normal day up until my third lesson. The school managers came to get me and I was very confused. I search my brain for why they would want to speak with me, what had I done wrong, who had I offended by accident, who was involved. I was sick with worry. It was explained to me (rather intimidatingly) that I had been posting severe negative thoughts about myself online and had been reported for posting suicidal thoughts. To this I was utterly confused as I hadn't posted anything recently that was anymore negative than usual and nothing I had posted had any direct meaning that I was suicidal. I was very confused until I was informed it was my old group who had reported me. It made sense then, I realized the reason I had been reported was because it was them who had discovered they were at fault for how I felt regularly and therefore they didn't want to be to blame if something happened. It was, in my opinion, entirely selfish.
This single event resulted in many changes. I had to speak to my mum about everything that had happened (I'm not one to share with family members my thought and feelings), I was signed up for school counselling, I grew a stronger feeling against my old group. I really didn't know how to act or feel or what the hell was going on. Luckily I had a fair amount of friends who helped me through this particular rough patch and I am ever so thankful to have them.
Since that dreadful day, things have got a lot better with very few negatives to talk about. I suppose the one thing worse mentioning is I found out one of my friends has cancer but even that is looking more positive now and she seems like she is going to be okay.
Twice this year I have had brief places in a group but I think I can now say that I'm better off without a group. So yes, positive things. Well obviously I started a blog up this year and I'm very happy I did because it has provided me with comfort when I have most needed it and allowed my to output my emotions into something worth while. I also managed to pass all the GCSE's that I took, something which I was very proud of, especially considering the events which occurred around the time of taking my exams. Another positive is that my friend and I started to watch American Horror Story, started being the key word as we are still on season two. I'm sure we will finish it at some point.
So, that was pretty much my year, a mixture of good and bad, days out, days in, laughs and cries It's been an emotional one and if going through all that has taught me any decent lessons then I could have done without learning them, I think i would have been happier. I am very much hoping for a more positive 2016, I'm sure it will be a great year because I have some truly amazing friends to spend it with. I wish you all a brilliant new year with lots of laughter and happiness.
See you all next year.
--- Aimee ---
Thursday 31 December 2015
Tuesday 29 December 2015
You're All I Know
I have been meaning to write this post for a while now. Along with having other topics of which took priority over this one I never could find the correct words to fully explain my feelings. People have these things in their lives, those topics which just make them immensely happy, their obsession. No one really takes the time to even try to describe why they are moved in such a way or what brought this kind of love into their lives, it just sort of exists.
Imagine Dragons, that's who it is for me. Who makes me so happy, who I have indescribable amount of love for. My obsession, one of first obsessions, the band with a special place in my heart and life. I thought the title of this post (lyrics from The Fall) were quite apt, in many ways they are all I know.
I believe that, in this world there are two types of people. One type is those who have had their lives changed by music and the others are those who have not. I think you either understand or you don't. People speak of how a band or artist changed their life or saved them. To this many people laugh under their breath; they don't understand the reality of what these people are saying. For me there are a few bands which have had this effect.
I remember it vividly, the first time I listened to the band who I now place above any other. Well, I say vividly what I really mean is I remember who showed me their music and the place I was when I listened to it for the first time. What I don't recall is the year or the place I was visiting at the time (the place I was was a bus).
I would love to say that I was instantly drawn to them as soon as I heard Radioactive but I wasn't. In fact it was months before I listened to any of their music again. I had remembered the fact that I had quite enjoyed their music so I decided to check out some more.
Over the past few years I have listened to their music at various times. I guess I don't particularly have a single band or artist of which I listen to 24/7 because frankly I think I would quickly get bored of them. It sounds quite cliché to say they have helped me through tough patches of my life but it is true. They've been a constant, something I can always go back to and it will always be there. I need constants, its what I live off of. Imagine Dragons have always been there, reminding me that a hell of a lot of things might change but not everything has, a reminder of happier things in life.
I think I've needed it more than ever this year. Many, many, many things have changed and I've needed that single constant. It's helped me, cheered me up, got me through a hell of a lot. I'm so thankful I have had something to go back to each time, something to keep me sane in this insane world.
I would consider myself to be one of those people who really is moved by music, I often cry at moving songs and just last week I stumbled across the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I don't know if it was Dan's angelic voice or the beautiful song that they were covering. (Please check out Imagine Dragons covering With or Without You, it is beyond the most beautiful thing.)
There are many, many more things I could say about this incredible band but frankly I have other things to do (mainly write more blog posts) and also I'm running low on what to say other than oh my god I love them so much, my heroes. Before rounding this off I shall say one last thing, a short recollection of the most amazing concert of my life.
Amongst many memories which will stick with me from this, one in particular will always hold a special place in my heart. The day I saw my hero's perform live and it was breath taking. I'm trying not to focus on this point too much because there are literally not enough words. I would never be able to fully express how incredible that night was. It was perfect, I was in love with the music, in love with Dan Reynolds (but how can you not be to be honest, I mean have you seen his hair!?)
Ever since the concert, listening to The Fall has given me goosebumps and made me tear up every time I've heard it. When Slaves did Shutdown as their encore it was pretty spectacular but this was just something else. It was indescribable, the atmosphere was out of this world. The aspect of the concert which I am most thankful for is how happy I was. It was the first time in years that I was genuinely and completely happy and I am ridiculously thankful for the occasion, especially considering they were going to cancel due to Dan being ill (I think I would have cried for weeks.)
I hope to attend many more concerts in years to come where I can once again see the band that rescued me from the dark again but, for now I'll settle for YouTube videos instead.
--- Aimee ---
Imagine Dragons, that's who it is for me. Who makes me so happy, who I have indescribable amount of love for. My obsession, one of first obsessions, the band with a special place in my heart and life. I thought the title of this post (lyrics from The Fall) were quite apt, in many ways they are all I know.
I believe that, in this world there are two types of people. One type is those who have had their lives changed by music and the others are those who have not. I think you either understand or you don't. People speak of how a band or artist changed their life or saved them. To this many people laugh under their breath; they don't understand the reality of what these people are saying. For me there are a few bands which have had this effect.
I remember it vividly, the first time I listened to the band who I now place above any other. Well, I say vividly what I really mean is I remember who showed me their music and the place I was when I listened to it for the first time. What I don't recall is the year or the place I was visiting at the time (the place I was was a bus).
I would love to say that I was instantly drawn to them as soon as I heard Radioactive but I wasn't. In fact it was months before I listened to any of their music again. I had remembered the fact that I had quite enjoyed their music so I decided to check out some more.
Over the past few years I have listened to their music at various times. I guess I don't particularly have a single band or artist of which I listen to 24/7 because frankly I think I would quickly get bored of them. It sounds quite cliché to say they have helped me through tough patches of my life but it is true. They've been a constant, something I can always go back to and it will always be there. I need constants, its what I live off of. Imagine Dragons have always been there, reminding me that a hell of a lot of things might change but not everything has, a reminder of happier things in life.
I think I've needed it more than ever this year. Many, many, many things have changed and I've needed that single constant. It's helped me, cheered me up, got me through a hell of a lot. I'm so thankful I have had something to go back to each time, something to keep me sane in this insane world.
I would consider myself to be one of those people who really is moved by music, I often cry at moving songs and just last week I stumbled across the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I don't know if it was Dan's angelic voice or the beautiful song that they were covering. (Please check out Imagine Dragons covering With or Without You, it is beyond the most beautiful thing.)
There are many, many more things I could say about this incredible band but frankly I have other things to do (mainly write more blog posts) and also I'm running low on what to say other than oh my god I love them so much, my heroes. Before rounding this off I shall say one last thing, a short recollection of the most amazing concert of my life.
Amongst many memories which will stick with me from this, one in particular will always hold a special place in my heart. The day I saw my hero's perform live and it was breath taking. I'm trying not to focus on this point too much because there are literally not enough words. I would never be able to fully express how incredible that night was. It was perfect, I was in love with the music, in love with Dan Reynolds (but how can you not be to be honest, I mean have you seen his hair!?)
Ever since the concert, listening to The Fall has given me goosebumps and made me tear up every time I've heard it. When Slaves did Shutdown as their encore it was pretty spectacular but this was just something else. It was indescribable, the atmosphere was out of this world. The aspect of the concert which I am most thankful for is how happy I was. It was the first time in years that I was genuinely and completely happy and I am ridiculously thankful for the occasion, especially considering they were going to cancel due to Dan being ill (I think I would have cried for weeks.)
I hope to attend many more concerts in years to come where I can once again see the band that rescued me from the dark again but, for now I'll settle for YouTube videos instead.
--- Aimee ---
Tuesday 22 December 2015
To Love and Not Be Loved
I'm sure you've all heard the saying 'don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't step over a puddle for you' (or something similar at least).
Bullshit. Sure, if you want to be part of a selfish love, friendship or relationship then, by all means don't do it. If you want the exact amount of love being received to that of which you are giving out then don't do it. If you want the security of viewing someone exactly as they view you, no more and no less, don't do it.
But, if you want to form the most magical friendships you will ever discover. If you don't mind putting your heart on the line for someone who may pass over you as if you are nothing more than a single leaf on the mystical tree of life.
The answer lies within the question 'what do you want to gain?' If all you want is for the other person to be happy then it's love. With love you don't care. You don't care about yourself. You don't care what you have to do for the other to reach their happiness. You will do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness.
You might want to rethink if you are forever going about your daily life by wishing in return what you dish out to others. Peoples minds work in peculiar ways, not everyone thinks alike. There are no rules about loving someone and the tough part of that is they might not love you back. What, just because someone doesn't love you back does that mean you can give them the world? Remind them of their perfection? Keep them happy at all costs?
Sure, when you top to think about things, it will really fucking hurt. You'll realise how much you do for others but you need to be like that, to be selfless. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't fucking matter. There comes a point when you realise that your number one priority isn't getting the love you give out in return but making sure the ones you love get all of what they deserve.
I know for me there are a few people in my life who I would literally do all I could for to make happy. I would cancel my plans in a heartbeat just to be with them. They don't feel the same for me and I know that. Yes, half of me is distraught by that and is constantly trying to wonder why but the other half of me doesn't care one bit. My worry is keeping them happy because I know there are a handful of people in my life who can make me so extremely happy but I cannot do the same for. I guess its to do with being part of the human race, the imbalance of relationships, the rarities of making a perfect match.
As for the people I cannot help, its not like I don't try. Of course I want to make people happy, especially those who deserves the world but I just cannot do it sometimes. it might be due to a difference in judgment or views on the world or maybe just because I don't have the words that they need to hear.
The sad reality is I don't think people realise how true some feelings are. I tell people the mean the world to me and I owe them so much and they just nod and smile. No, I'm not just saying it, its not like I have to say it, I really fucking mean it. At this point I would like to mention the three most remarkable people in my life; Sam, Sam and Jazz. I won't blabber on here about how much they mean to me because I would like to believe I have told them all on many occasions but no amount of thanks is ever enough if I am being perfectly honest.
There are two other people who I would help at all costs. Well, I say two but there are many more I would go to the end of the earth for but I hope they already know that. Two people who deserve the absolute flipping world and if I could contribute to that in any way I would feel like I really have accomplished something big, something important. And I doubt either of them are even reading this but Alix and Rachel, you guys know where I am whenever you need me, I promise to help with the slightest issue, always.
So anyways, moving back onto the original point; do things for people that they would never even dream of doing for you. Live without the fear of their rejection and distancing. I understand the pain of caring so much for someone who would probably leave if they stopped to think about things but there are two things you can do. You can either reach out and compliment them and tell them you love them and be there whenever they need you. Or, you can leave, watch them drift away, realise nothing you can say now will ever get them back. And on this you can choke on the thought of never seeing them smile again, never hearing their laugh, never share another memory, never even make small talk with. Sometimes you do just have to walk away, but if someone means the world to you, don't let them go without a fight please. I'm begging you, if you don't want to live without them by your side don't let that be a possibility. People wont always love you like you love them but whether or not they can live without your love for them is a different thing.
Just make sure you give them a reason to need you otherwise you'll be wide awake at 4am wondering why the hell you let them go, thinking of what you could have done to make them stay. I promise you, the pain of putting in the most effort hurts a shit load less than the pain of being without someone each and every day. It's nearly six months later and I still think the odd message or two could have saved this heartache and, more importantly, it could have saved one of the best friendships I have ever had.
--- Aimee ---
Bullshit. Sure, if you want to be part of a selfish love, friendship or relationship then, by all means don't do it. If you want the exact amount of love being received to that of which you are giving out then don't do it. If you want the security of viewing someone exactly as they view you, no more and no less, don't do it.
But, if you want to form the most magical friendships you will ever discover. If you don't mind putting your heart on the line for someone who may pass over you as if you are nothing more than a single leaf on the mystical tree of life.
The answer lies within the question 'what do you want to gain?' If all you want is for the other person to be happy then it's love. With love you don't care. You don't care about yourself. You don't care what you have to do for the other to reach their happiness. You will do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness.
You might want to rethink if you are forever going about your daily life by wishing in return what you dish out to others. Peoples minds work in peculiar ways, not everyone thinks alike. There are no rules about loving someone and the tough part of that is they might not love you back. What, just because someone doesn't love you back does that mean you can give them the world? Remind them of their perfection? Keep them happy at all costs?
Sure, when you top to think about things, it will really fucking hurt. You'll realise how much you do for others but you need to be like that, to be selfless. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't fucking matter. There comes a point when you realise that your number one priority isn't getting the love you give out in return but making sure the ones you love get all of what they deserve.
I know for me there are a few people in my life who I would literally do all I could for to make happy. I would cancel my plans in a heartbeat just to be with them. They don't feel the same for me and I know that. Yes, half of me is distraught by that and is constantly trying to wonder why but the other half of me doesn't care one bit. My worry is keeping them happy because I know there are a handful of people in my life who can make me so extremely happy but I cannot do the same for. I guess its to do with being part of the human race, the imbalance of relationships, the rarities of making a perfect match.
As for the people I cannot help, its not like I don't try. Of course I want to make people happy, especially those who deserves the world but I just cannot do it sometimes. it might be due to a difference in judgment or views on the world or maybe just because I don't have the words that they need to hear.
The sad reality is I don't think people realise how true some feelings are. I tell people the mean the world to me and I owe them so much and they just nod and smile. No, I'm not just saying it, its not like I have to say it, I really fucking mean it. At this point I would like to mention the three most remarkable people in my life; Sam, Sam and Jazz. I won't blabber on here about how much they mean to me because I would like to believe I have told them all on many occasions but no amount of thanks is ever enough if I am being perfectly honest.
There are two other people who I would help at all costs. Well, I say two but there are many more I would go to the end of the earth for but I hope they already know that. Two people who deserve the absolute flipping world and if I could contribute to that in any way I would feel like I really have accomplished something big, something important. And I doubt either of them are even reading this but Alix and Rachel, you guys know where I am whenever you need me, I promise to help with the slightest issue, always.
So anyways, moving back onto the original point; do things for people that they would never even dream of doing for you. Live without the fear of their rejection and distancing. I understand the pain of caring so much for someone who would probably leave if they stopped to think about things but there are two things you can do. You can either reach out and compliment them and tell them you love them and be there whenever they need you. Or, you can leave, watch them drift away, realise nothing you can say now will ever get them back. And on this you can choke on the thought of never seeing them smile again, never hearing their laugh, never share another memory, never even make small talk with. Sometimes you do just have to walk away, but if someone means the world to you, don't let them go without a fight please. I'm begging you, if you don't want to live without them by your side don't let that be a possibility. People wont always love you like you love them but whether or not they can live without your love for them is a different thing.
Just make sure you give them a reason to need you otherwise you'll be wide awake at 4am wondering why the hell you let them go, thinking of what you could have done to make them stay. I promise you, the pain of putting in the most effort hurts a shit load less than the pain of being without someone each and every day. It's nearly six months later and I still think the odd message or two could have saved this heartache and, more importantly, it could have saved one of the best friendships I have ever had.
--- Aimee ---
Monday 7 December 2015
Realising, Reminding, Regretting
Of the many things that life has taught me, one has been more constant and repetitive in my life than most; the emotion of missing people. In my years on this planet I have lost many people. Although I have been lucky enough not to lose as many as some people have, it has still caused a great amount of hurt. I came to the conclusion prior to this that there are three forms of missing someone. I am going to call the three; realising, reminding and regretting. These three can be linked together or be completely separate from each other. There are not enough teachings of how much you will miss someone, either temporarily or permanently. Human friendships and relationships are the best thing that can ever happen to us. Sadly, at the same time they can be the reason we are up at 3am with teary eyes while we wonder how everything could have changed so quickly and wonder why the world is against us.
Realising
This tends to happen with those closest to us. With me, its my best friends and my boyfriend who I can associate this with most. It's the feeling when you don't need to see something which reminds you of them but they are always on your mind. You miss them whenever you are not with them; from the second you part to the second you are back together. The ache of this pain is awful but at least it comes with hope and security. You know that each time you leave them you will see them again. Yes, it will be ridiculously hard to be without them even for a short while but you will be reunited and everything will be perfect for the time you spend together.
Reminding
Personally, I find this most appropriate when I'm on any social networking site. I will simply be going about my daily routine and will come across a status or a picture and, as harsh as it may seem, I will be reminded of a specific persons presence. It's not that I want to but I often forget about some people who I have had in my life. I guess you could call them secondary characters. They're the ones who haven't had the biggest impact on your life out of everyone you know but, at the same time, your life probably wouldn't be the same without them.
I'd say that it is this one is the easiest to fix. All you need to do is send them a short message or leave a comment; problem solved. Saying that, it is only easy to fix if you are still able to be in contact with this person. If you didn't end on bad terms or didn't end at all. It really is lovely when you can just message someone you haven't spoken to in a while and things are just how you left them, it releases a sense of relief. Saying that, in my experience, it then makes me miss the person more. It sounds awful but I forget how certain people make me feel but then I speak to them and it all comes flooding back to me and I have to got through the same process again and again, the same thing each time.
Regretting
So the final type; regretting. I guess out of all three it is this one which hurts the most. This is the one which I have been able to relate to the most, the real reason I am writing this post I guess. I'm not quite sure I agree with 'regretting' it, it's more that I needed a simple work to describe it (and I wanted it to start with 'r'.) If I hadn't called it this I would have had to say 'the type of hurt where you lose someone forever and things will never be the same and everything you see which reminds you of them will make you cry over the pain which you have already cried over one hundred times before and you will never experience anything else as painful in your life'. But I kind of thought that would be too long for an overview of the pain.
There are many reasons why this happen and you could be aware of them or you could not. I have been in two major situations where this has been the case. One I was in control of and I was what ended the friendship, it was my choice. I don't regret breaking it off, it was beyond necessary, the relationship was toxic for me. However, I think the issue many people have is that they think that if you chose to end something it doesn't hurt, but let me tell you, it does hurt. It really fucking hurts. It takes months to get over it and even then you're not completely over it. It's not as though you know you're not over it, you really do think you are. You put it all behind you, move on, forget about it. But then, you come across a picture, a song, a memory and suddenly it's as though you're back to day one when all the pain became apparent. You feel like you want to just speak to them and apologise and tell them you want them back. Please, don't ever do this. Don't message them, they probably don't miss you and if they do, great, fantastic, they have realised how amazing you are and how awful it was of them to treat you like shit.
The second time this happened I've been told I am the one to blame. Clearly becoming uninterested in me and our friendship I got left on many occasions. I reached the point where I thought far too often 'if they wanted me in my life they would do something about it'. I don't know if I believe what I'm being told, that I should have fought for the friendship, I should have gave in. At the time I was tired, tired of many issues, tired of life, I didn't want to have to fight to stay in someone's life. I don't know if I should have done something different, I'm stuck in a paradox about the whole thing. Wouldn't I have just felt even more shit if was having to prove my worth to someone? I didn't want to be a bother and if I feel like I'm not wanted I will probably give in and leave. I can tell you now, the pain I have experienced since this is the joint worst pain I have ever felt in my life.
Hurt and pain don't even come close. It's indescribable. I'm reminded almost daily about this person in particular and some days it doesn't bother me but other days it all hits me at once. There are days where I say I don't care and I mean it, I don't care, I am content with the situation, I've moved on. These are the nicer days, the days I can smile and it can mean something, I'm fine. These are not the days I fear, no, the days I fear are the ones when I feel everything. I guess it's worse as I spent months believing I was absolutely fine with it, I wasn't hurt at all. I wonder how I can have lied to myself about this for so long. I guess it shows that you can convince yourself of anything if you think about it for long enough. But now, now it hurts. Not right now, not as I'm writing this post but in the past few weeks it has really hit me.
Pain either causes you to me emotional or emotionless, or worse, it causes you to be both. Each time something reminds me of this person I am overwhelmed with emotions. I tear up but, it's been months, I should be ok with it now so it's better not to show how I feel. I will smile and not mention it. Deep down I am being torn apart by the idea that I wasn't wanted anymore, why was I abandoned? The worst part isn't the pain, it's the even more painful truth. The facing of the fact that no matter what, I will never have them back. I will never laugh with them or hug them or even have a friendly chat with them again.
So maybe it's not the pain of missing someone which tears us apart. Instead, maybe it's the acceptance that thing wont return to 'normal', the understanding of the change and the heartache that moving on is the only option left.
--- Aimee ---
Realising
This tends to happen with those closest to us. With me, its my best friends and my boyfriend who I can associate this with most. It's the feeling when you don't need to see something which reminds you of them but they are always on your mind. You miss them whenever you are not with them; from the second you part to the second you are back together. The ache of this pain is awful but at least it comes with hope and security. You know that each time you leave them you will see them again. Yes, it will be ridiculously hard to be without them even for a short while but you will be reunited and everything will be perfect for the time you spend together.
Reminding
Personally, I find this most appropriate when I'm on any social networking site. I will simply be going about my daily routine and will come across a status or a picture and, as harsh as it may seem, I will be reminded of a specific persons presence. It's not that I want to but I often forget about some people who I have had in my life. I guess you could call them secondary characters. They're the ones who haven't had the biggest impact on your life out of everyone you know but, at the same time, your life probably wouldn't be the same without them.
I'd say that it is this one is the easiest to fix. All you need to do is send them a short message or leave a comment; problem solved. Saying that, it is only easy to fix if you are still able to be in contact with this person. If you didn't end on bad terms or didn't end at all. It really is lovely when you can just message someone you haven't spoken to in a while and things are just how you left them, it releases a sense of relief. Saying that, in my experience, it then makes me miss the person more. It sounds awful but I forget how certain people make me feel but then I speak to them and it all comes flooding back to me and I have to got through the same process again and again, the same thing each time.
Regretting
So the final type; regretting. I guess out of all three it is this one which hurts the most. This is the one which I have been able to relate to the most, the real reason I am writing this post I guess. I'm not quite sure I agree with 'regretting' it, it's more that I needed a simple work to describe it (and I wanted it to start with 'r'.) If I hadn't called it this I would have had to say 'the type of hurt where you lose someone forever and things will never be the same and everything you see which reminds you of them will make you cry over the pain which you have already cried over one hundred times before and you will never experience anything else as painful in your life'. But I kind of thought that would be too long for an overview of the pain.
There are many reasons why this happen and you could be aware of them or you could not. I have been in two major situations where this has been the case. One I was in control of and I was what ended the friendship, it was my choice. I don't regret breaking it off, it was beyond necessary, the relationship was toxic for me. However, I think the issue many people have is that they think that if you chose to end something it doesn't hurt, but let me tell you, it does hurt. It really fucking hurts. It takes months to get over it and even then you're not completely over it. It's not as though you know you're not over it, you really do think you are. You put it all behind you, move on, forget about it. But then, you come across a picture, a song, a memory and suddenly it's as though you're back to day one when all the pain became apparent. You feel like you want to just speak to them and apologise and tell them you want them back. Please, don't ever do this. Don't message them, they probably don't miss you and if they do, great, fantastic, they have realised how amazing you are and how awful it was of them to treat you like shit.
The second time this happened I've been told I am the one to blame. Clearly becoming uninterested in me and our friendship I got left on many occasions. I reached the point where I thought far too often 'if they wanted me in my life they would do something about it'. I don't know if I believe what I'm being told, that I should have fought for the friendship, I should have gave in. At the time I was tired, tired of many issues, tired of life, I didn't want to have to fight to stay in someone's life. I don't know if I should have done something different, I'm stuck in a paradox about the whole thing. Wouldn't I have just felt even more shit if was having to prove my worth to someone? I didn't want to be a bother and if I feel like I'm not wanted I will probably give in and leave. I can tell you now, the pain I have experienced since this is the joint worst pain I have ever felt in my life.
Hurt and pain don't even come close. It's indescribable. I'm reminded almost daily about this person in particular and some days it doesn't bother me but other days it all hits me at once. There are days where I say I don't care and I mean it, I don't care, I am content with the situation, I've moved on. These are the nicer days, the days I can smile and it can mean something, I'm fine. These are not the days I fear, no, the days I fear are the ones when I feel everything. I guess it's worse as I spent months believing I was absolutely fine with it, I wasn't hurt at all. I wonder how I can have lied to myself about this for so long. I guess it shows that you can convince yourself of anything if you think about it for long enough. But now, now it hurts. Not right now, not as I'm writing this post but in the past few weeks it has really hit me.
Pain either causes you to me emotional or emotionless, or worse, it causes you to be both. Each time something reminds me of this person I am overwhelmed with emotions. I tear up but, it's been months, I should be ok with it now so it's better not to show how I feel. I will smile and not mention it. Deep down I am being torn apart by the idea that I wasn't wanted anymore, why was I abandoned? The worst part isn't the pain, it's the even more painful truth. The facing of the fact that no matter what, I will never have them back. I will never laugh with them or hug them or even have a friendly chat with them again.
So maybe it's not the pain of missing someone which tears us apart. Instead, maybe it's the acceptance that thing wont return to 'normal', the understanding of the change and the heartache that moving on is the only option left.
--- Aimee ---
The Fate of All
As part of my English Literature course, my class attended a day of lectures in London a few weeks ago. The reason for the trip was to widen our knowledge on the theme of tragedy as this is the prominent theme for our current texts of which we are studying.
During one of the lectures a very interesting point was raised; why do people act like death is morbid and avoid talking about it, after all we all die in the end. I thought this point was tragically beautiful and more truthful than I had ever realised before.
It got me thinking, why do people wish not to talk about death? Why do humans act as if it is some escapable point in time?
It seems that the general view of life is to just ignore the obvious, pretend everything will always be ok. Why? Surely it hurts more to have a loved one die if you've never thought about the occurrence than if you have accepted that one day they will no longer be a living and breathing soul.
To me it seems like the only reason the topic of death can be acceptable is if its all happy and magical. It's like you are allowed to talk about it if you're referring to angels and heaven and all the nice things. Religiously, if that's what you believe then that's fine but, usually, with heaven also comes hell. Who mentions this often? In my experience very few people. It is within my knowledge that you cannot mention hell or the bad things of death without being labelled as a creep or as a dark human.
It links in well with 'emo' and other 'dark' music genres I guess. Very rarely is it stated by singers or bands anything out of the ordinary. People get so cruelly judged on their music taste because all the bands they listen to focus on death or negative views on life but why? We are all going to die aren't we? They are not encouraging death (at least not for the majority of the time anyway) or being offensive or stating they wish to kill people.
You will be frowned upon if you enthuse in theories surrounding death or similar points. A classic example is interests. Each individual has a variety of different topics and concerns which they spark an interest in. We all have them, a topic in which we could read and learn about for hours on end, indulging in information.
For some people, the topic they have an interest in is that such like serial killers or murders. At this, many people shake their head in disapproval or speak with fear. Why? Just because something interests a person it doesn't mean they want to do it. Not every human who finds murders interesting wants to become a murderer. If someone had a strong love for dogs, would people accuse them of wanting to be a dog? No? Didn't think so.
As an issue the viewpoints many people have frustrates me greatly. You shouldn't be able to call someone out on something they enjoy or find interesting, whether it be a topic, music genre, story, just because you view it as 'dark' and 'disturbing'.
The issue is, a high percentage of humans fear the truth. They want to believe that everything will be fine and everyone will be happy. This rarely happens. People don't have happy endings. Somewhere along the line someone you love will die, there will be heartache. Everyone dies and everyone does so with a certain degree of sadness in their life. No one will be happy forever. Bad things happen and there is no stopping this.
I for one find the topic of death interesting. I find I can't enjoy a movie unless there is at least one death. I relish in sadness and heartache. Maybe I'm sick, maybe I'm twisted but it's just the way I am.
No, I don't want to cause death by any means but the fate of it often crosses my mind.
Often I think about all the memories that make up my life and how, in a single moment, the people who helped me create them could be gone. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for this to happen but I feel as though I must prepare myself for the inevitable eventuality that one day it will. I guess it's my way of protecting myself from future hurt and upset.
I mean, hopefully I won't have to endure the upset too much. In my young life I have already experienced three horrific heartaches and the pain truly cannot be described. I don't want to relive that, or maybe deep down I do, honestly even I don't really know.
Yes, live everyday to the fullest and indulge in happy memories and pretty things in life. But also, don't be held up by the fact that everything could be destroyed in a heartbeat. I'm afraid if you want to live truthfully, one day you must scrap the idea that sadness is avoidable and we are inevitable.
--- Aimee ---
During one of the lectures a very interesting point was raised; why do people act like death is morbid and avoid talking about it, after all we all die in the end. I thought this point was tragically beautiful and more truthful than I had ever realised before.
It got me thinking, why do people wish not to talk about death? Why do humans act as if it is some escapable point in time?
It seems that the general view of life is to just ignore the obvious, pretend everything will always be ok. Why? Surely it hurts more to have a loved one die if you've never thought about the occurrence than if you have accepted that one day they will no longer be a living and breathing soul.
To me it seems like the only reason the topic of death can be acceptable is if its all happy and magical. It's like you are allowed to talk about it if you're referring to angels and heaven and all the nice things. Religiously, if that's what you believe then that's fine but, usually, with heaven also comes hell. Who mentions this often? In my experience very few people. It is within my knowledge that you cannot mention hell or the bad things of death without being labelled as a creep or as a dark human.
It links in well with 'emo' and other 'dark' music genres I guess. Very rarely is it stated by singers or bands anything out of the ordinary. People get so cruelly judged on their music taste because all the bands they listen to focus on death or negative views on life but why? We are all going to die aren't we? They are not encouraging death (at least not for the majority of the time anyway) or being offensive or stating they wish to kill people.
You will be frowned upon if you enthuse in theories surrounding death or similar points. A classic example is interests. Each individual has a variety of different topics and concerns which they spark an interest in. We all have them, a topic in which we could read and learn about for hours on end, indulging in information.
For some people, the topic they have an interest in is that such like serial killers or murders. At this, many people shake their head in disapproval or speak with fear. Why? Just because something interests a person it doesn't mean they want to do it. Not every human who finds murders interesting wants to become a murderer. If someone had a strong love for dogs, would people accuse them of wanting to be a dog? No? Didn't think so.
As an issue the viewpoints many people have frustrates me greatly. You shouldn't be able to call someone out on something they enjoy or find interesting, whether it be a topic, music genre, story, just because you view it as 'dark' and 'disturbing'.
The issue is, a high percentage of humans fear the truth. They want to believe that everything will be fine and everyone will be happy. This rarely happens. People don't have happy endings. Somewhere along the line someone you love will die, there will be heartache. Everyone dies and everyone does so with a certain degree of sadness in their life. No one will be happy forever. Bad things happen and there is no stopping this.
I for one find the topic of death interesting. I find I can't enjoy a movie unless there is at least one death. I relish in sadness and heartache. Maybe I'm sick, maybe I'm twisted but it's just the way I am.
No, I don't want to cause death by any means but the fate of it often crosses my mind.
Often I think about all the memories that make up my life and how, in a single moment, the people who helped me create them could be gone. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for this to happen but I feel as though I must prepare myself for the inevitable eventuality that one day it will. I guess it's my way of protecting myself from future hurt and upset.
I mean, hopefully I won't have to endure the upset too much. In my young life I have already experienced three horrific heartaches and the pain truly cannot be described. I don't want to relive that, or maybe deep down I do, honestly even I don't really know.
Yes, live everyday to the fullest and indulge in happy memories and pretty things in life. But also, don't be held up by the fact that everything could be destroyed in a heartbeat. I'm afraid if you want to live truthfully, one day you must scrap the idea that sadness is avoidable and we are inevitable.
--- Aimee ---
Thursday 26 November 2015
Are You Satisfied?
Attending a concert like the one I did in the evening of Monday 16th November , I was very aware of being judges by those around me. Of course, I shouldn't care, it was a concert after all, I was there to enjoy myself not to make friends with every single person I saw. But I wouldn't really say I cared, more just curious about their thoughts. What was going through their minds when they saw me? Was I too young to be there? Did I appear to be too 'innocent'?
To put some context to this, the concert I attended was a band who go by the name of Slaves. If you've been reading my blog for some time then you may remember me mentioning Slaves as part of my blog post about Truck Festival back in July. However, if you haven't read this post then, like all of my friends, you will probably have no idea who Slaves are and, to be honest, I wouldn't blame you as there isn't any particular reason you should know. Plus, in the words of my brother 'it's not even singing it's just talking'. Ok, partly true, but either way it's insanely good and I don't think you can necessarily write it off as 'not being music' because of this.
The concert on Monday was absolutely brilliant and the atmosphere was terrific although it was not quite that of Truck. (Oh, how apt that I'm wearing my Truck hoodie as I write this post.) I had read up the set list previous to the concert and I was thrilled to see two of my favourite songs from them due to be performed.
As well as playing the majority of their album 'Are you satisfied?' (hence the blog post title) and various new songs, they also did a cover of Shut Down by Skepta of which they also performed when I saw them at Truck and, yet again, it was fucking insane. Biasedly, I'd say that the best songs they played were The Hunter, Cheer Up London, Sugar Coated Bitter Truth and 99. Ok, lets just say they were all fucking amazing.
One thing about the concert which struck me was the people who were there. (If you weren't already aware, Slaves are a duo from Kent who fit into the punk genre of music.) I won't lie, I was expecting a large number of rowdy, middle aged men. There were a fair few people at the concert who matched this description but, by no account were these the majority. Instead, the group of which I saw the largest number of people were punks. With piercings, dyed hair and dark clothing they're kind of hard to miss or associate with any other group. These are typical punks.
However, shockingly, these kind of people took up only a mere third of the crowd on Monday evening. The remaining crowd consisted of men and women from the age of about 8 up to that of past 65. I was shocked to see such a vast crowd and way more diverse than the last concert I attended on the previous Wednesday (I will get round to writing about that soon I swear.)
Despite the variations amongst us, everyone seemed to have a brilliant time.
When the band first came out, there was much excitement amongst the crowd. The lights came up, the duo came out and beer went flying in the air. The atmosphere was incredible and, in my opinion, the audience has a huge effect on the quality of the night as a whole. After all, who wants to be at a concert where people aren't out to have the time of their lives? Definitely not me.
The opportunity to attend this concert was sprung on my suddenly a mere three or four weeks ago. I was so ecstatic to be going as I had mentioned it to my mother when I first saw the release off tour dates but nothing further had come of it at the time. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have too much time for the excitement to build because (yet again) I would just spend months counting down to it. I guess the fact that I only knew who they were in July and tickets only went on sale back in September (maybe later, I can't remember) also play a part though.
Needless to say, even with a only a short wait, I was eagerly waiting for the date to arrive and I'm so very glad that I got the opportunity to go, even if it was at the last minute.
Before I end this blog post (which will be shortly as I'm not quite sure what else to say and I have other ideas to blog about) I want to mention that during a gig in Glasgow (I think) the drummer (and singer) of Slaves injured his arm. I feel so sorry for those who were meant to be going to the cancelled show, my thoughts go out the Isaac (the drummer) and wish him a speedy recovery.
I apologise for the shorter post and also the fact that I have been meaning to finish this post since I started it two weeks ago but oh well its finished now. And hopefully my next posts will require a lot less explaining and brackets to be used.
--- Aimee ---
To put some context to this, the concert I attended was a band who go by the name of Slaves. If you've been reading my blog for some time then you may remember me mentioning Slaves as part of my blog post about Truck Festival back in July. However, if you haven't read this post then, like all of my friends, you will probably have no idea who Slaves are and, to be honest, I wouldn't blame you as there isn't any particular reason you should know. Plus, in the words of my brother 'it's not even singing it's just talking'. Ok, partly true, but either way it's insanely good and I don't think you can necessarily write it off as 'not being music' because of this.
The concert on Monday was absolutely brilliant and the atmosphere was terrific although it was not quite that of Truck. (Oh, how apt that I'm wearing my Truck hoodie as I write this post.) I had read up the set list previous to the concert and I was thrilled to see two of my favourite songs from them due to be performed.
As well as playing the majority of their album 'Are you satisfied?' (hence the blog post title) and various new songs, they also did a cover of Shut Down by Skepta of which they also performed when I saw them at Truck and, yet again, it was fucking insane. Biasedly, I'd say that the best songs they played were The Hunter, Cheer Up London, Sugar Coated Bitter Truth and 99. Ok, lets just say they were all fucking amazing.
One thing about the concert which struck me was the people who were there. (If you weren't already aware, Slaves are a duo from Kent who fit into the punk genre of music.) I won't lie, I was expecting a large number of rowdy, middle aged men. There were a fair few people at the concert who matched this description but, by no account were these the majority. Instead, the group of which I saw the largest number of people were punks. With piercings, dyed hair and dark clothing they're kind of hard to miss or associate with any other group. These are typical punks.
However, shockingly, these kind of people took up only a mere third of the crowd on Monday evening. The remaining crowd consisted of men and women from the age of about 8 up to that of past 65. I was shocked to see such a vast crowd and way more diverse than the last concert I attended on the previous Wednesday (I will get round to writing about that soon I swear.)
Despite the variations amongst us, everyone seemed to have a brilliant time.
When the band first came out, there was much excitement amongst the crowd. The lights came up, the duo came out and beer went flying in the air. The atmosphere was incredible and, in my opinion, the audience has a huge effect on the quality of the night as a whole. After all, who wants to be at a concert where people aren't out to have the time of their lives? Definitely not me.
The opportunity to attend this concert was sprung on my suddenly a mere three or four weeks ago. I was so ecstatic to be going as I had mentioned it to my mother when I first saw the release off tour dates but nothing further had come of it at the time. In a way, I'm glad I didn't have too much time for the excitement to build because (yet again) I would just spend months counting down to it. I guess the fact that I only knew who they were in July and tickets only went on sale back in September (maybe later, I can't remember) also play a part though.
Needless to say, even with a only a short wait, I was eagerly waiting for the date to arrive and I'm so very glad that I got the opportunity to go, even if it was at the last minute.
Before I end this blog post (which will be shortly as I'm not quite sure what else to say and I have other ideas to blog about) I want to mention that during a gig in Glasgow (I think) the drummer (and singer) of Slaves injured his arm. I feel so sorry for those who were meant to be going to the cancelled show, my thoughts go out the Isaac (the drummer) and wish him a speedy recovery.
I apologise for the shorter post and also the fact that I have been meaning to finish this post since I started it two weeks ago but oh well its finished now. And hopefully my next posts will require a lot less explaining and brackets to be used.
--- Aimee ---
Tuesday 10 November 2015
Waiting to Live
As humans we are always waiting. Right now, everyone in the world is waiting for something, either good or bad. Stop and think, what is it you're waiting for?
That's all life is really, waiting around for things. I've always found myself waiting for something; waiting for the day to end, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the holidays. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Why is it that I am never content with life as it is right at this moment? Even when I am having the time of my life at a party or with one of my remarkable friends, my mind somehow always wanders to thinking how much I will miss that moment when its gone and how soon it will be over.
They are the two words which describe my life really; missing and waiting. I wait so long for something to happen and then I miss it the minute it is gone. I spend hours, days, weeks waiting for a particular day and then, suddenly it's here and it's gone.
I'm not overly sure how I feel about those posts about 'living in the moment' because I've tried and failed at doing so. How exactly does one live in the moment when that same moment will be over before you can even blink?
I'd like to be able to say I was one of those people who grabs every opportunity thrown at them with both hands but, unfortunately, I am not. Instead, I am one of those people who constantly looks forward to the next thing. No, I am not going to make the most out of my secondary school days while I can, I am going to sit and wait until the moment I can go off to university, until I get a full time job.
A sense of unfilled satisfaction fills my lungs until I reach the moment I have been longing for. That feeling disappears for the brief period where I am content and then it returns. A constant fear follows me that I am waiting and not really living.
It's common, to be young and just want to be older. I always wanted to be a teenager and do 'grown-up' things but really, I don't think these are the 'best years of your life' and, my god, if they are I'm in for a rather shitty life. But really, who is going to cherish the teenage years when all they are filled with is stress, pressure and competition?
It's not all bad, having something to look forward to. In my case, I guess it is all about having something to be happy about and look forward to, after all that's why we spend so much time waiting isn't it?
In this moment I'm waiting for tomorrow evening to attend a concert which I have waiting 7 long months for. It's been a heck of a long time coming around and wow, how different my life was 7 months ago when I first got the tickets. It seems mad to think I've spent all this time waiting for literally a few hours of happiness but I know it will be worth every single second which I have spent waiting.
I hope that my whole life isn't just the constant switching between waiting and missing. I hope I reach the point one day where I live in the moment, live the way people have always advised me to. 'But, don't you feel like you are wasting your life by not doing that now?' No to be honest, no I don't. Why would I want to cherish moments which I have no desire to remember? Moments which make me feel nothing but a bag of nerves most of the time.
I guess looking forward to finding happiness even if only briefly is a better way to live than dwelling on the sadness which engulfs us on a daily basis. As long as for that brief moment you try to appreciate life because what more can you do really? We are only human after all, it's in our nature to not value to worth of something until it's gone.
--- Aimee ---
That's all life is really, waiting around for things. I've always found myself waiting for something; waiting for the day to end, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the holidays. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Why is it that I am never content with life as it is right at this moment? Even when I am having the time of my life at a party or with one of my remarkable friends, my mind somehow always wanders to thinking how much I will miss that moment when its gone and how soon it will be over.
They are the two words which describe my life really; missing and waiting. I wait so long for something to happen and then I miss it the minute it is gone. I spend hours, days, weeks waiting for a particular day and then, suddenly it's here and it's gone.
I'm not overly sure how I feel about those posts about 'living in the moment' because I've tried and failed at doing so. How exactly does one live in the moment when that same moment will be over before you can even blink?
I'd like to be able to say I was one of those people who grabs every opportunity thrown at them with both hands but, unfortunately, I am not. Instead, I am one of those people who constantly looks forward to the next thing. No, I am not going to make the most out of my secondary school days while I can, I am going to sit and wait until the moment I can go off to university, until I get a full time job.
A sense of unfilled satisfaction fills my lungs until I reach the moment I have been longing for. That feeling disappears for the brief period where I am content and then it returns. A constant fear follows me that I am waiting and not really living.
It's common, to be young and just want to be older. I always wanted to be a teenager and do 'grown-up' things but really, I don't think these are the 'best years of your life' and, my god, if they are I'm in for a rather shitty life. But really, who is going to cherish the teenage years when all they are filled with is stress, pressure and competition?
It's not all bad, having something to look forward to. In my case, I guess it is all about having something to be happy about and look forward to, after all that's why we spend so much time waiting isn't it?
In this moment I'm waiting for tomorrow evening to attend a concert which I have waiting 7 long months for. It's been a heck of a long time coming around and wow, how different my life was 7 months ago when I first got the tickets. It seems mad to think I've spent all this time waiting for literally a few hours of happiness but I know it will be worth every single second which I have spent waiting.
I hope that my whole life isn't just the constant switching between waiting and missing. I hope I reach the point one day where I live in the moment, live the way people have always advised me to. 'But, don't you feel like you are wasting your life by not doing that now?' No to be honest, no I don't. Why would I want to cherish moments which I have no desire to remember? Moments which make me feel nothing but a bag of nerves most of the time.
I guess looking forward to finding happiness even if only briefly is a better way to live than dwelling on the sadness which engulfs us on a daily basis. As long as for that brief moment you try to appreciate life because what more can you do really? We are only human after all, it's in our nature to not value to worth of something until it's gone.
--- Aimee ---
Monday 9 November 2015
Decisons, Decisions, Decisions
There's not a lot of which I'm truly certain about in my life. So many things are forever changing and breaking from the moulds which I once created. As a teenager there are so many options of what I could do and my god is it hard to choose. For me, the path of what I want to do hasn't really differed much since I was young although I am aware that this is rarely the case for those around me.
I've desperately wanted to blog again since my last post, in fact, the same day I uploaded my previous post I began work on a new one although I never got further than a sentence or two in to it. I will eventually finish (or start again) on the topic which that post was going to be about, yeah I'm sure I'll get round to doing it at some point.
In many ways, I don't think the issue is a lack of options, it's that there are too many options. I don't know if it's the society we live in or if it's me personally. I guess a big factor is being average at many things but not really excellent at any. I get inspired too easily in a way, it only takes a single picture of article to make me suddenly have a brand new idea about how I want to live.
I'm not so sure that any of this is making much sense so far so I guess that means it's time for me to bring in some examples. Hobbies would probably be a good place to start. I'd say writing is my number one hobby and probably the one I find easiest to do after a while of being away from it. This is the thing which I would like to peruse but even with this there are so many options.
People ask me what I want to do in the future and I immediately reply with 'writing'. But, they then go on to ask me what sort and I panic. Being an author has always been top of my list but some days I don't know if I have the skill or the patience to do it. Some days I would much rather prefer to write poems day in and day out. There are days where I just want to write songs for the rest of my life (but then what is the point if I will never be able to sing them.) I could write articles in magazines, in papers. I could write plays, film scripts. I really don't know. There are far too many things I could do.
I'm scared. I'm absolutely petrified that whichever path I choose will be the wrong one. What if I look back and realise I wasted a life time on work which was just plain shit? Sure I'd like to make something of myself but then again I don't know if I do?
It's constant. It's everyday. It's choices which are far too different but far too similar at the same time.
I am quite proud of myself if I'm honest, for sticking to this blog. Ok, I could probably do with uploading more regularly but I lack the inspiration and motivation most of the time. It's strange, in the past half hour I have started three posts because I didn't know what to write but now that I'm writing this it all flows easily (even if it is unstructured and confusing and makes no sense whatsoever.)
The habit of mine which I would kill to change is starting things. Don't get me wrong, I love to start a piece (of whatever) and see it blossom into a finished thing but honestly, the finishing bit rarely happens. I really thought that the summer just gone would be the time when I would do things. I thought I would learn and write songs on the keyboard. I learnt the choruses to two songs and I got a line into writing my own. I thought I would sew and stitch and make my own little things. I bought needles, thread and material, stored it in the new drawers I bought, never touched it again. I thought I would finally start to write a book. I never even wrote a word. I thought I would plan my neighbours wedding (a drunk decision from her). I never even touched my planning book. I thought I would
read tonnes of new books. That was probably the most successful thought as I read five.
It's not like this is how I want things to be. I would much rather get out my keyboard and learn more songs than sit on social media just procrastinating all the homework I should be doing. But the problem lies here, I know that I will spend about half an hour trying to learn a new song and after that time I will get bored and want to do something else. So, what's the point in starting something which I will give up on not too much later on?
This is my issue with life, there are far too many things which I want to do. Some part of me wants to move to New York, get a waitressing job and spend my time writing novels whilst sat in coffee shops. Another part of me wants to travel the world, help every person I can, indulge myself in cultures and new people, new places. I kind of want to go live in the country, get a job and just enjoy the nature and world around me for as long as I can.
And this isn't just a dilemma I fear of facing in the future, it's a fear I face almost every day. There are days I want to wear 90's fashion but there are days I want to look as punk as possible. Some days I want to read a whole book in a day and other days even watching a TV show feels like too much effort to do. There are days where I want to be the happiest person alive and spread happiness with everyone I see but, there are days where all I want to do is watch a sad film and cry and eat as much junk food as my body can cope with.
At the end of the day, all I really want to know is what do you do? What do you do when there are two extremes to choose from as well as so many other options stretching out between those extremes? How the hell do you choose just one option when there are hundreds of options to also choose from? I really hope I figure it all out one day and, when I've done that, I really hope I figure myself out.
--- Aimee ---
I've desperately wanted to blog again since my last post, in fact, the same day I uploaded my previous post I began work on a new one although I never got further than a sentence or two in to it. I will eventually finish (or start again) on the topic which that post was going to be about, yeah I'm sure I'll get round to doing it at some point.
In many ways, I don't think the issue is a lack of options, it's that there are too many options. I don't know if it's the society we live in or if it's me personally. I guess a big factor is being average at many things but not really excellent at any. I get inspired too easily in a way, it only takes a single picture of article to make me suddenly have a brand new idea about how I want to live.
I'm not so sure that any of this is making much sense so far so I guess that means it's time for me to bring in some examples. Hobbies would probably be a good place to start. I'd say writing is my number one hobby and probably the one I find easiest to do after a while of being away from it. This is the thing which I would like to peruse but even with this there are so many options.
People ask me what I want to do in the future and I immediately reply with 'writing'. But, they then go on to ask me what sort and I panic. Being an author has always been top of my list but some days I don't know if I have the skill or the patience to do it. Some days I would much rather prefer to write poems day in and day out. There are days where I just want to write songs for the rest of my life (but then what is the point if I will never be able to sing them.) I could write articles in magazines, in papers. I could write plays, film scripts. I really don't know. There are far too many things I could do.
I'm scared. I'm absolutely petrified that whichever path I choose will be the wrong one. What if I look back and realise I wasted a life time on work which was just plain shit? Sure I'd like to make something of myself but then again I don't know if I do?
It's constant. It's everyday. It's choices which are far too different but far too similar at the same time.
I am quite proud of myself if I'm honest, for sticking to this blog. Ok, I could probably do with uploading more regularly but I lack the inspiration and motivation most of the time. It's strange, in the past half hour I have started three posts because I didn't know what to write but now that I'm writing this it all flows easily (even if it is unstructured and confusing and makes no sense whatsoever.)
The habit of mine which I would kill to change is starting things. Don't get me wrong, I love to start a piece (of whatever) and see it blossom into a finished thing but honestly, the finishing bit rarely happens. I really thought that the summer just gone would be the time when I would do things. I thought I would learn and write songs on the keyboard. I learnt the choruses to two songs and I got a line into writing my own. I thought I would sew and stitch and make my own little things. I bought needles, thread and material, stored it in the new drawers I bought, never touched it again. I thought I would finally start to write a book. I never even wrote a word. I thought I would plan my neighbours wedding (a drunk decision from her). I never even touched my planning book. I thought I would
read tonnes of new books. That was probably the most successful thought as I read five.
It's not like this is how I want things to be. I would much rather get out my keyboard and learn more songs than sit on social media just procrastinating all the homework I should be doing. But the problem lies here, I know that I will spend about half an hour trying to learn a new song and after that time I will get bored and want to do something else. So, what's the point in starting something which I will give up on not too much later on?
This is my issue with life, there are far too many things which I want to do. Some part of me wants to move to New York, get a waitressing job and spend my time writing novels whilst sat in coffee shops. Another part of me wants to travel the world, help every person I can, indulge myself in cultures and new people, new places. I kind of want to go live in the country, get a job and just enjoy the nature and world around me for as long as I can.
And this isn't just a dilemma I fear of facing in the future, it's a fear I face almost every day. There are days I want to wear 90's fashion but there are days I want to look as punk as possible. Some days I want to read a whole book in a day and other days even watching a TV show feels like too much effort to do. There are days where I want to be the happiest person alive and spread happiness with everyone I see but, there are days where all I want to do is watch a sad film and cry and eat as much junk food as my body can cope with.
At the end of the day, all I really want to know is what do you do? What do you do when there are two extremes to choose from as well as so many other options stretching out between those extremes? How the hell do you choose just one option when there are hundreds of options to also choose from? I really hope I figure it all out one day and, when I've done that, I really hope I figure myself out.
--- Aimee ---
Friday 23 October 2015
Always The Shy Kid
I'm not sure about you but, for me there are few memories I have of primary school. I don't particularly remember too much about the first few years of secondary school either. School prior to Year 9 is pretty much one big blur for me.
One big blur. A blur of school productions, school trips and endless learning. But there was one thing, one single thing which stood out. It wasn't my exceptional talent at subject nor was it my fantastic group of friends (of which I never had.) It was simpler than that. A short phrase used to describe me on more occasions than I can count.
No, it wasn't a nasty comment. Not a comment on my appearance, my weight, my face or my hair. And I'm sure that it wasn't a comment intended to hurt or upset me, no if that had been the case there are plenty of other things which could have been said.
I remember vividly, every school report without fail would contain the words 'Aimee is a very quiet girl who needs to contribute more to class discussions' (or at least words to that effect.)
Every single time. Every parents evening, every term's report. The same old thing. I never quite got it, always thinking 'they make it sound so easy'. I knew it wasn't something that would just happen, here we are 10 years later and slight improvements are occurring but nothing drastic.
It has always been something that bugged me. My classwork would be marked down purely because I didn't want to talk in class. Why? Does my knowledge have a direct link with my confidence because I really don't think it does. Ok, I do sympathise that teachers may not be able to judge your understanding of the subject if you are not inputting in class discussion but it shouldn't matter to the extent that teachers make out it does.
It really gets tiring being told to 'speak up more'. It's almost as if people don't realise it doesn't come that easy. They seem to think that telling you that you should do something will automatically make it happen. Granted that over the years some teachers have been more understanding than other but, despite their efforts, I think it's probably a lost cause in my case.
Last year this topic featured in one my lessons which I remember very well. As a class we were mentoring a younger group from a nearby school. My class consisted of fairly confident people, good group leaders, public speakers, people very different from myself.
Needless to say, the rest of us left the talking up to them on most occasions. This being the case, we all had to run our own sessions in groups. The week I had been dreading came, the week I had to lead the session. Despite my worries, all went well. They could have gone better but I was satisfied with it. Then came the trip back to school.
A short journey but one where the group would analyse how the session went. Then came the joke. The joke which has haunted me every day since. 'Oh my god Aimee, you actually spoke today' said in the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard.
It was that exact moment where I learnt that people don't understand. That comment hurt me in so many ways. People know their own weaknesses, I am aware mine is a lack of confidence. It's a shitty thing to do to point them out to someone, let alone make fun of them.
From that day on I've been faced with a decision, stay quiet and get the same old comments time and time again or speak up and get shot down and mocked for doing so. It's a difficult thing to get my head around if I'm honest. People want you to have more confidence and speak more but then, at the same time, make a joke of it when you do so.
It would be a lie to say it doesn't bother me anymore, being the quiet kid in class. However, it is true that it doesn't bother me as much. I guess it's like anything where I've just got used to it.
But, the thing is, people still don't understand. They don't understand how words can hurt even if unintentional. Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot of courage to just say a few words and, my god, does it hurt like fuck to be shot down.
I wish that that was the only comment I had received about my confidence which upset me but, unfortunately it wasn't. Why wasn't it? I could probably answer that in a couple of words. Easy target. Because, lets face it, the shy, quiet kid in class isn't exactly going to stand up for themselves if they get insulted are they?
I can't even begin to explain the amount of times I've wanted to say something, give my opinion, question a point given but I just can't. There is forever an overwhelming feeling of fear. I'm scared. I'll admit that. I'm absolutely petrified that if I make a comment which is seen as 'out of character' for me, people will start talking.
I've often wondered about other people. How some people find it so easy. Some find it easy to speak up others find it easy to judge. I don't understand it myself. Why the hell would you make fun of someone when they are desperately trying to become more accepted to you?
This year I've been a hell of a lot better, I know that. I don't find it as terrifying to speak up all the time, its slowly getting easier. But by saying it's getting 'better' I don't mean it's a piece of cake. I don't know how easy it is for people unlike me to understand the feeling. The utter fear to be wrong, to be laughed at. I can act like I don't care even when I do.
It's better in some classes than in others and that could be down to the teachers, students or class size I don't know. I am thankful that something has changed, and I don't know what it is that has but something has and its making things slowly improve.
What sticks out to me is this, every single time it got called upon, it would be under 'improvements to be made'. Now, I never really thought much of that but, looking back over it today, I realise how horrible that is. I know now that every teacher who said it had my lack of confidence down as a weakness. That they all wanted me to change to be better. Who ever said that confidence made you a better person? The two don't go hand in hand.
It's not a lifestyle choice, a skill or anything else, it's part of my personality. I shouldn't be seen as being 'not as good' as the people who share my levels of intelligence but who happen to have the confidence that I am lacking. Please, base my grades on my knowledge not my confidence, they won't equal the same result.
In my opinion, you should thank your lucky stars if you have the confidence to speak what you think without also having the crippling fear of being judged, talked about or mocked, it's not a nice feeling to be stuck with. If you are in constant fear, you will be ok. It's one heck of a tough battle but you will slowly improve, even if others don't acknowledge the development I am proud of you.
There always will be a 'shy kid' in class. Whether that kid is you or not, never mock them for speaking up. If anything, provide them with the water, the water in which they need to blossom into the most remarkable thing they can possibly be.
--- Aimee ---
One big blur. A blur of school productions, school trips and endless learning. But there was one thing, one single thing which stood out. It wasn't my exceptional talent at subject nor was it my fantastic group of friends (of which I never had.) It was simpler than that. A short phrase used to describe me on more occasions than I can count.
No, it wasn't a nasty comment. Not a comment on my appearance, my weight, my face or my hair. And I'm sure that it wasn't a comment intended to hurt or upset me, no if that had been the case there are plenty of other things which could have been said.
I remember vividly, every school report without fail would contain the words 'Aimee is a very quiet girl who needs to contribute more to class discussions' (or at least words to that effect.)
Every single time. Every parents evening, every term's report. The same old thing. I never quite got it, always thinking 'they make it sound so easy'. I knew it wasn't something that would just happen, here we are 10 years later and slight improvements are occurring but nothing drastic.
It has always been something that bugged me. My classwork would be marked down purely because I didn't want to talk in class. Why? Does my knowledge have a direct link with my confidence because I really don't think it does. Ok, I do sympathise that teachers may not be able to judge your understanding of the subject if you are not inputting in class discussion but it shouldn't matter to the extent that teachers make out it does.
It really gets tiring being told to 'speak up more'. It's almost as if people don't realise it doesn't come that easy. They seem to think that telling you that you should do something will automatically make it happen. Granted that over the years some teachers have been more understanding than other but, despite their efforts, I think it's probably a lost cause in my case.
Last year this topic featured in one my lessons which I remember very well. As a class we were mentoring a younger group from a nearby school. My class consisted of fairly confident people, good group leaders, public speakers, people very different from myself.
Needless to say, the rest of us left the talking up to them on most occasions. This being the case, we all had to run our own sessions in groups. The week I had been dreading came, the week I had to lead the session. Despite my worries, all went well. They could have gone better but I was satisfied with it. Then came the trip back to school.
A short journey but one where the group would analyse how the session went. Then came the joke. The joke which has haunted me every day since. 'Oh my god Aimee, you actually spoke today' said in the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard.
It was that exact moment where I learnt that people don't understand. That comment hurt me in so many ways. People know their own weaknesses, I am aware mine is a lack of confidence. It's a shitty thing to do to point them out to someone, let alone make fun of them.
From that day on I've been faced with a decision, stay quiet and get the same old comments time and time again or speak up and get shot down and mocked for doing so. It's a difficult thing to get my head around if I'm honest. People want you to have more confidence and speak more but then, at the same time, make a joke of it when you do so.
It would be a lie to say it doesn't bother me anymore, being the quiet kid in class. However, it is true that it doesn't bother me as much. I guess it's like anything where I've just got used to it.
But, the thing is, people still don't understand. They don't understand how words can hurt even if unintentional. Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot of courage to just say a few words and, my god, does it hurt like fuck to be shot down.
I wish that that was the only comment I had received about my confidence which upset me but, unfortunately it wasn't. Why wasn't it? I could probably answer that in a couple of words. Easy target. Because, lets face it, the shy, quiet kid in class isn't exactly going to stand up for themselves if they get insulted are they?
I can't even begin to explain the amount of times I've wanted to say something, give my opinion, question a point given but I just can't. There is forever an overwhelming feeling of fear. I'm scared. I'll admit that. I'm absolutely petrified that if I make a comment which is seen as 'out of character' for me, people will start talking.
I've often wondered about other people. How some people find it so easy. Some find it easy to speak up others find it easy to judge. I don't understand it myself. Why the hell would you make fun of someone when they are desperately trying to become more accepted to you?
This year I've been a hell of a lot better, I know that. I don't find it as terrifying to speak up all the time, its slowly getting easier. But by saying it's getting 'better' I don't mean it's a piece of cake. I don't know how easy it is for people unlike me to understand the feeling. The utter fear to be wrong, to be laughed at. I can act like I don't care even when I do.
It's better in some classes than in others and that could be down to the teachers, students or class size I don't know. I am thankful that something has changed, and I don't know what it is that has but something has and its making things slowly improve.
What sticks out to me is this, every single time it got called upon, it would be under 'improvements to be made'. Now, I never really thought much of that but, looking back over it today, I realise how horrible that is. I know now that every teacher who said it had my lack of confidence down as a weakness. That they all wanted me to change to be better. Who ever said that confidence made you a better person? The two don't go hand in hand.
It's not a lifestyle choice, a skill or anything else, it's part of my personality. I shouldn't be seen as being 'not as good' as the people who share my levels of intelligence but who happen to have the confidence that I am lacking. Please, base my grades on my knowledge not my confidence, they won't equal the same result.
In my opinion, you should thank your lucky stars if you have the confidence to speak what you think without also having the crippling fear of being judged, talked about or mocked, it's not a nice feeling to be stuck with. If you are in constant fear, you will be ok. It's one heck of a tough battle but you will slowly improve, even if others don't acknowledge the development I am proud of you.
There always will be a 'shy kid' in class. Whether that kid is you or not, never mock them for speaking up. If anything, provide them with the water, the water in which they need to blossom into the most remarkable thing they can possibly be.
--- Aimee ---
Friday 16 October 2015
A Developed Music Taste
Growing up I always had a peculiar music taste. Heavy influence from both my parents meant I spent many of my younger years listening to the likes of The Beatles, Madness, Simply Red (which was the first concert I ever went to) and other bands who were primarily deemed as '80's' bands. I remember that most nights I would put on my 'Smash Hits 80's' video before going to sleep and be enhanced by the music videos as well as the music itself.
It never really occurred to be that I had a strange music taste. Bands I listened to had been around 30 years prior to me listening to them, some dead, some broken up but it didn't bother me. In my eyes it was real music. I went through stages of liking and disliking current pop music. I think that most of the time I was just listening to it because it was catchy and it was 'cool' to be into that sort of thing.
When I first began to have my own CD's I had a very varied mix. My first CD's consisted of that of; Leona Lewis, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Michael Jackson and many different Now's. I don't ever really think that I thought I was 'cool' by listening to the music I did, more that I just listened to what I enjoyed.
Everyone, no matter who they are has a favourite band. Obviously with time that changes but there will always be that one band that would have been your first obsession. The band that you knew all the members of, all their songs. The band that was the reason you learnt what an obsession truly was. I'm not ashamed to admit that, for me, that band was Steps.
Even today, when I go back and listen to one of their songs, the memories of my childhood come flooding back. To be honest, I don't actually know why I got into them. I have absolutely no regrets of spending so much time listening to them but how it panned out in that way is a mystery to me. Sure, many would say that they were just a cheesy, typical early 2000's band but lets face it, they were good and their songs were darn catchy.
Over the years, I have become attached to many other bands but I don't think I'll ever find a band which will be able to replace the way I felt about the first band I ever loved. Since Steps, I would say that my other main obsession bands would probably be; Westlife, U2, Bon Jovi, Scouting for Girls, Imagine Dragons, Slaves, Green Day, My Chemical Romance and Neck Deep, all of which I have gone through phases of listening to a shit tonne and then barely listening to.
I wouldn't be able to explain my music taste to someone if I tried. More recently I have got into more punk/rock music but still with hints of older music still there. Many times I have given up mid-way through creating a playlist because I know I will miss out many bands and genres by accident because there is just too many to list.
Other than the few bands which I adore, there is one big issue when it comes to music I like, that issue is being a single-song-addict (ok I just made that name up). But seriously, for some reason there are about 30 different bands/artists where I only really like one (or two) of their songs. I'm sure if I had the effort I could get into more of their stuff but honestly, who has the time?
I don't particularly understand people who exclusively attach themselves to a specific genre. My main question to those people that do is; how? For me, the punk/rock genre appeals most and includes many great bands, artists and songs. So yes, I would say that is my main music genre. But I honestly don't think I could listen to Green Day all the time and not listen to the likes of Taylor Swift, McFly and Coldplay.
Sure, if I'm in my room I'll regularly blast out some Neck Deep or My Chemical Romance but, at the same time, if a 'Top 100 Power Ballads' show was on, I would hurry downstairs and enjoy my heart strings being torn apart.
I think that's what my music has in common, the ability to tear a person to shreds through the magic of words. There are plenty of songs which I can't listen to without feeling like an emotional wreck and I love it. Truly Madly Deeply//Savage Garden, My Heart Will Go On//Celine Dion, Bed of Roses//Bon Jovi to name a few.
It's a very special thing, when you find a song and it give you chills. I listen to some songs and just think 'holy shit how can a human voice be strung together in such a way that the sound is similar to that of what I imagine an angel must sound like.' Whether its the lyrics, the music or the vocals, it's close to that of perfection.
I know that I'll never find a singular group which all my music falls into but that's ok. I like to be able to transform from a rebellious punk to worshipper of the angelic Taylor Swift within the switch of a song. No amount of persuasion will ever convince me that I have to stick to a single genre and, because I don't have to of course that means that I won't. Why would you limit yourself on a topic as vast as music? Why would you want to exclude the perfection of any given genre?
Enjoy as much music as you can, no matter how different because sometimes we discover things which make us feel a way which we never before thought was possible and sometimes it's the best feeling on this entire planet.
--- Aimee ---
It never really occurred to be that I had a strange music taste. Bands I listened to had been around 30 years prior to me listening to them, some dead, some broken up but it didn't bother me. In my eyes it was real music. I went through stages of liking and disliking current pop music. I think that most of the time I was just listening to it because it was catchy and it was 'cool' to be into that sort of thing.
When I first began to have my own CD's I had a very varied mix. My first CD's consisted of that of; Leona Lewis, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Michael Jackson and many different Now's. I don't ever really think that I thought I was 'cool' by listening to the music I did, more that I just listened to what I enjoyed.
Everyone, no matter who they are has a favourite band. Obviously with time that changes but there will always be that one band that would have been your first obsession. The band that you knew all the members of, all their songs. The band that was the reason you learnt what an obsession truly was. I'm not ashamed to admit that, for me, that band was Steps.
Even today, when I go back and listen to one of their songs, the memories of my childhood come flooding back. To be honest, I don't actually know why I got into them. I have absolutely no regrets of spending so much time listening to them but how it panned out in that way is a mystery to me. Sure, many would say that they were just a cheesy, typical early 2000's band but lets face it, they were good and their songs were darn catchy.
Over the years, I have become attached to many other bands but I don't think I'll ever find a band which will be able to replace the way I felt about the first band I ever loved. Since Steps, I would say that my other main obsession bands would probably be; Westlife, U2, Bon Jovi, Scouting for Girls, Imagine Dragons, Slaves, Green Day, My Chemical Romance and Neck Deep, all of which I have gone through phases of listening to a shit tonne and then barely listening to.
I wouldn't be able to explain my music taste to someone if I tried. More recently I have got into more punk/rock music but still with hints of older music still there. Many times I have given up mid-way through creating a playlist because I know I will miss out many bands and genres by accident because there is just too many to list.
Other than the few bands which I adore, there is one big issue when it comes to music I like, that issue is being a single-song-addict (ok I just made that name up). But seriously, for some reason there are about 30 different bands/artists where I only really like one (or two) of their songs. I'm sure if I had the effort I could get into more of their stuff but honestly, who has the time?
I don't particularly understand people who exclusively attach themselves to a specific genre. My main question to those people that do is; how? For me, the punk/rock genre appeals most and includes many great bands, artists and songs. So yes, I would say that is my main music genre. But I honestly don't think I could listen to Green Day all the time and not listen to the likes of Taylor Swift, McFly and Coldplay.
Sure, if I'm in my room I'll regularly blast out some Neck Deep or My Chemical Romance but, at the same time, if a 'Top 100 Power Ballads' show was on, I would hurry downstairs and enjoy my heart strings being torn apart.
I think that's what my music has in common, the ability to tear a person to shreds through the magic of words. There are plenty of songs which I can't listen to without feeling like an emotional wreck and I love it. Truly Madly Deeply//Savage Garden, My Heart Will Go On//Celine Dion, Bed of Roses//Bon Jovi to name a few.
It's a very special thing, when you find a song and it give you chills. I listen to some songs and just think 'holy shit how can a human voice be strung together in such a way that the sound is similar to that of what I imagine an angel must sound like.' Whether its the lyrics, the music or the vocals, it's close to that of perfection.
I know that I'll never find a singular group which all my music falls into but that's ok. I like to be able to transform from a rebellious punk to worshipper of the angelic Taylor Swift within the switch of a song. No amount of persuasion will ever convince me that I have to stick to a single genre and, because I don't have to of course that means that I won't. Why would you limit yourself on a topic as vast as music? Why would you want to exclude the perfection of any given genre?
Enjoy as much music as you can, no matter how different because sometimes we discover things which make us feel a way which we never before thought was possible and sometimes it's the best feeling on this entire planet.
--- Aimee ---
Fearful Lies
"No thanks I have a boyfriend."
I'm sure many of use have used this line from time to time. Whether it to decline a drink, date or phone number. Its something a lot of us say and people tend to nod, apologise and leave us alone. Seems harmless right? Being hit on and refusing by mentioning a boyfriend; simple, believable, truthful.
In my little life, I have only had to say this twice. On two separate occasions, to two separate people, for two separate reasons.
Lets start with the first then. It was around about 3/4 months ago. A guy was speaking to me constantly and I had no interest in him. We'd spoken a few years back and I had learnt from then that he got quite attached and clingy quite quickly. Message after message, week after week I would get him asking to meet. I declined this offer and stated that I didn't want to and didn't feel anything for him.
To this, he simply continued to message me constantly to the point where I was getting annoyed. Why wouldn't he respect my feelings and leave me alone? I'd told him straight that I didn't want to but he insisted we met. I guess some context is needed here, I do know the guy in real life, I've known him for a few years and see him around often but have never wanted anything from him, either a relationship or a friendship.
After a while I found myself telling him that I had a boyfriend. Now, this wasn't completely true nor was it complete bullshit. I was actually seeing someone but I didn't want to go into any detail so I left it at 'I have a boyfriend, please leave me alone'. And now I find myself asking why?
I felt safer by telling him I had a boyfriend than I did telling him I wasn't interested. What fucked up logic. Maybe its because I know that a boy will respect another boy more than they will a girl. Maybe its because I would rather hid away behind a boy than stand up and say how I feel.
I'm sorry if you don't feel the same but, generally, boys are respected more by other boys. Girls feel safer to mention a boyfriend than say how they really feel. Society has taught us that boys feelings and opinions are worth a lot more than that of a girl. You tell me it isn't fucked that an excuse for not wanting to do something means more than a personal opinion.
Of course this isn't all boys, I know that. There are some great guys out there but, unfortunately they are in the minority. But why must girls feel the need to make an excuse, whatever it may be, to decline a boy? Are our opinions not considered to be important or accepted? Is that really the way society should be allowed to be?
Anyways, following on from the first occasion, the second came only a month or so ago. A boy who I had previously been associated with messaged me to ask me if we could be 'friends with benefits' or pretty much that scenario. The answer I gave to this was the same as before, 'I have a boyfriend'. This time I wasn't lying. I was 100% truthful and it resulted in the guy leaving me alone for good. Now, of course, I wouldn't know what the outcome would have been if I had said otherwise.
I guess it was relevant to say. Any other reponse would be seen as me 'hiding' the fact I have a boyfriend perhaps? I can't really say that I only said it to get him off my back, I simply stated the situation and its not like I went out of my way to do that.
The point of sharing those two stories was just to assist my point really, not to be the main focus. Those are just my experiences and I appreciate others have had more encounters with such situations. However, despite the situation, the outcome has chillingly remained the same.
The fact that men respect men still stands. Yes, respect is good but, respect based on genders? I think I'll pass if that's the case. I don't want respect for being female in the same way I wouldn't if I were a male. Yes, I want respect but I want it because others accept that I am human. I have thoughts, opinions and ideas.
If society remains this way, where women are not thought to have valid thoughts then where will things lead to? I don't want to fear speaking my mind. If I don't want to do something or go somewhere, it should be accepted that that is my decision. No reasoning needs to be given if that individual doesn't wish to give any.
Pretending that there isn't an issue doesn't fix it. What does fix and issue is accepting that a change needs to be made. I don't know when or what it will take to get equal respect but I am hopeful. I am hopeful for a change. Hopeful that one day a simple 'no' will be enough to state how I feel and avoid further interrogation on the matter.
--- Aimee ---
I'm sure many of use have used this line from time to time. Whether it to decline a drink, date or phone number. Its something a lot of us say and people tend to nod, apologise and leave us alone. Seems harmless right? Being hit on and refusing by mentioning a boyfriend; simple, believable, truthful.
In my little life, I have only had to say this twice. On two separate occasions, to two separate people, for two separate reasons.
Lets start with the first then. It was around about 3/4 months ago. A guy was speaking to me constantly and I had no interest in him. We'd spoken a few years back and I had learnt from then that he got quite attached and clingy quite quickly. Message after message, week after week I would get him asking to meet. I declined this offer and stated that I didn't want to and didn't feel anything for him.
To this, he simply continued to message me constantly to the point where I was getting annoyed. Why wouldn't he respect my feelings and leave me alone? I'd told him straight that I didn't want to but he insisted we met. I guess some context is needed here, I do know the guy in real life, I've known him for a few years and see him around often but have never wanted anything from him, either a relationship or a friendship.
After a while I found myself telling him that I had a boyfriend. Now, this wasn't completely true nor was it complete bullshit. I was actually seeing someone but I didn't want to go into any detail so I left it at 'I have a boyfriend, please leave me alone'. And now I find myself asking why?
I felt safer by telling him I had a boyfriend than I did telling him I wasn't interested. What fucked up logic. Maybe its because I know that a boy will respect another boy more than they will a girl. Maybe its because I would rather hid away behind a boy than stand up and say how I feel.
I'm sorry if you don't feel the same but, generally, boys are respected more by other boys. Girls feel safer to mention a boyfriend than say how they really feel. Society has taught us that boys feelings and opinions are worth a lot more than that of a girl. You tell me it isn't fucked that an excuse for not wanting to do something means more than a personal opinion.
Of course this isn't all boys, I know that. There are some great guys out there but, unfortunately they are in the minority. But why must girls feel the need to make an excuse, whatever it may be, to decline a boy? Are our opinions not considered to be important or accepted? Is that really the way society should be allowed to be?
Anyways, following on from the first occasion, the second came only a month or so ago. A boy who I had previously been associated with messaged me to ask me if we could be 'friends with benefits' or pretty much that scenario. The answer I gave to this was the same as before, 'I have a boyfriend'. This time I wasn't lying. I was 100% truthful and it resulted in the guy leaving me alone for good. Now, of course, I wouldn't know what the outcome would have been if I had said otherwise.
I guess it was relevant to say. Any other reponse would be seen as me 'hiding' the fact I have a boyfriend perhaps? I can't really say that I only said it to get him off my back, I simply stated the situation and its not like I went out of my way to do that.
The point of sharing those two stories was just to assist my point really, not to be the main focus. Those are just my experiences and I appreciate others have had more encounters with such situations. However, despite the situation, the outcome has chillingly remained the same.
The fact that men respect men still stands. Yes, respect is good but, respect based on genders? I think I'll pass if that's the case. I don't want respect for being female in the same way I wouldn't if I were a male. Yes, I want respect but I want it because others accept that I am human. I have thoughts, opinions and ideas.
If society remains this way, where women are not thought to have valid thoughts then where will things lead to? I don't want to fear speaking my mind. If I don't want to do something or go somewhere, it should be accepted that that is my decision. No reasoning needs to be given if that individual doesn't wish to give any.
Pretending that there isn't an issue doesn't fix it. What does fix and issue is accepting that a change needs to be made. I don't know when or what it will take to get equal respect but I am hopeful. I am hopeful for a change. Hopeful that one day a simple 'no' will be enough to state how I feel and avoid further interrogation on the matter.
--- Aimee ---
Monday 12 October 2015
Just Another Outcast
"You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions."
Recognise the quote? If you do I applaud you on your film taste. If you didn't know, it is from a truly brilliant film entitled 'The Breakfast Club'.
Ah, The Breakfast Club, what a film. It's one of those films that you sort of just sit through but, when you get to the end you look back and realise that you have just witnessed a masterpiece, a true telling of both school and society. I think that quote really summarises the whole film, all about how cliques are separated from each other and how you are defined by the group you are in.
I assume you are thinking this to be a film 'review' (or at least an in-my-opinion-review) but, in all honesty, I have tried to write one about this film before and it just didn't seem to flow. The main issue which is covered by the film is stereotypes, or, more specifically, stereotypes determined by your social group.
Social grouping is a very interesting topic to me. Who even knows how we get into the groups that we do? Maybe it's our actions, our looks, our hobbies and interests? Possibly a mix of them all I guess.
But social groups are extremely 'important' to teenagers especially. I don't mean that they are important as in you worry about it a lot or it concerns you greatly, of course it might do but I mean more that it is relevant and current.
No matter who you are, you will be in a specific group, you may have not defined yourself by this group but, believe me, others will. Even if you somehow don't manage to fit the criteria of any of the main cliques, you have your own. Unfortunately, this is commonly known as 'the outcasts'.
I'm not too sure that cliques are all bad to be honest. You are with people similar to you which is always nice to have right? You share hobbies, interests and friends. Sure, there are many great points and a sense of 'belonging' has a big impact but, what about when you are only a nerd, a pretty girl, a cool guy, an outcast? What then? Do all the things that make us each unique go out the window?
I'm afraid this is usually the case. Personally, I try to give everyone a chance but, there are some groups which I just don't interact with. Mainly by lack of similarities if I'm honest. This usually leads to me avoiding people from this groups or cliques. It may seem harsh but, it's not as though anyone's missing out on much by not speaking to me, we probably wouldn't get on anyways.
Sadly, that's usually the case. Avoiding anyone who doesn't belong to your clique. Afraid of the judgement which lurks over your decision of who you interact with.
I've never quite got it. Never quite understood why people decide to indulge their time and effort into one particular group. I don't know what it is, maybe my unusual mix of hobbies, my unusual music taste or my unusual personality that has made me be such an outcast.
Being an 'outcast' has its perks as well as having its drawbacks if I'm being honest. It's not exactly the thing I'd like to be thought of as or be remembered by though. I don't feel as though I am the 'weirdest' of the 'outcasts' which is probably a blessing which has made life a bit more bearable.
But, as I wander through life, I feel that's what I am. I'm viewed by my peers as an outcast. I am seen as one of those people you don't want to be seen talking to, it might not be the reality of it but it's how things have always come across to me.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want to hear the 'you're lovely, everyone wants you be friends with you'. I'm done with that bullshit. Don't tell me how I should feel, I don't and that's that. These cliques have been embedded into our society for such time that people don't even think twice about it. It's accepted. When one of the 'popular' group members doesn't speak to me it's just another 'well that's life I guess' and a move on.
The issue isn't being in a group, the issue is only being part of a group. Depending on how you read that last line you may or may not understand what I mean. Expanding on it I mean that its ok to be in a group, to have your friends, to share interests, to belong somewhere. When it becomes an issue is when you are only seen as a person in that group, you are one of the many, the same as the others, no longer your own person.
Soon enough we all grow up. We will all leave behind these groups which we were associated with at one time or another. We begin to live as our own person. You may learn things about yourself which you never knew before because you were shielded behind the identity that your group had.
Whatever you are doing in your life, a job, school, college, just living, don't be afraid to be involved in a group. Just make sure you aren't just another person in that group. Ensure you are still seen as a person in your own respect, don't ever only be defined by the group you belong to. Don't let people see you in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions, let them see you and how fucking amazing you are.
--- Aimee ---
Recognise the quote? If you do I applaud you on your film taste. If you didn't know, it is from a truly brilliant film entitled 'The Breakfast Club'.
Ah, The Breakfast Club, what a film. It's one of those films that you sort of just sit through but, when you get to the end you look back and realise that you have just witnessed a masterpiece, a true telling of both school and society. I think that quote really summarises the whole film, all about how cliques are separated from each other and how you are defined by the group you are in.
I assume you are thinking this to be a film 'review' (or at least an in-my-opinion-review) but, in all honesty, I have tried to write one about this film before and it just didn't seem to flow. The main issue which is covered by the film is stereotypes, or, more specifically, stereotypes determined by your social group.
Social grouping is a very interesting topic to me. Who even knows how we get into the groups that we do? Maybe it's our actions, our looks, our hobbies and interests? Possibly a mix of them all I guess.
But social groups are extremely 'important' to teenagers especially. I don't mean that they are important as in you worry about it a lot or it concerns you greatly, of course it might do but I mean more that it is relevant and current.
No matter who you are, you will be in a specific group, you may have not defined yourself by this group but, believe me, others will. Even if you somehow don't manage to fit the criteria of any of the main cliques, you have your own. Unfortunately, this is commonly known as 'the outcasts'.
I'm not too sure that cliques are all bad to be honest. You are with people similar to you which is always nice to have right? You share hobbies, interests and friends. Sure, there are many great points and a sense of 'belonging' has a big impact but, what about when you are only a nerd, a pretty girl, a cool guy, an outcast? What then? Do all the things that make us each unique go out the window?
I'm afraid this is usually the case. Personally, I try to give everyone a chance but, there are some groups which I just don't interact with. Mainly by lack of similarities if I'm honest. This usually leads to me avoiding people from this groups or cliques. It may seem harsh but, it's not as though anyone's missing out on much by not speaking to me, we probably wouldn't get on anyways.
Sadly, that's usually the case. Avoiding anyone who doesn't belong to your clique. Afraid of the judgement which lurks over your decision of who you interact with.
I've never quite got it. Never quite understood why people decide to indulge their time and effort into one particular group. I don't know what it is, maybe my unusual mix of hobbies, my unusual music taste or my unusual personality that has made me be such an outcast.
Being an 'outcast' has its perks as well as having its drawbacks if I'm being honest. It's not exactly the thing I'd like to be thought of as or be remembered by though. I don't feel as though I am the 'weirdest' of the 'outcasts' which is probably a blessing which has made life a bit more bearable.
But, as I wander through life, I feel that's what I am. I'm viewed by my peers as an outcast. I am seen as one of those people you don't want to be seen talking to, it might not be the reality of it but it's how things have always come across to me.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want to hear the 'you're lovely, everyone wants you be friends with you'. I'm done with that bullshit. Don't tell me how I should feel, I don't and that's that. These cliques have been embedded into our society for such time that people don't even think twice about it. It's accepted. When one of the 'popular' group members doesn't speak to me it's just another 'well that's life I guess' and a move on.
The issue isn't being in a group, the issue is only being part of a group. Depending on how you read that last line you may or may not understand what I mean. Expanding on it I mean that its ok to be in a group, to have your friends, to share interests, to belong somewhere. When it becomes an issue is when you are only seen as a person in that group, you are one of the many, the same as the others, no longer your own person.
Soon enough we all grow up. We will all leave behind these groups which we were associated with at one time or another. We begin to live as our own person. You may learn things about yourself which you never knew before because you were shielded behind the identity that your group had.
Whatever you are doing in your life, a job, school, college, just living, don't be afraid to be involved in a group. Just make sure you aren't just another person in that group. Ensure you are still seen as a person in your own respect, don't ever only be defined by the group you belong to. Don't let people see you in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions, let them see you and how fucking amazing you are.
--- Aimee ---
Monday 5 October 2015
Compliment or Unnecessary Comment?
Surrounding the world of, well just about anything I guess, there is the underlying issue of double standards. I'm sure everyone has their share of experience with the matter. When you've been treated differently for some shitty reason that you are likely to have no control over. It's not fair, nor should it be seen as 'just something that happens'.
I guess this post is going to go down the same route as many of my other posts, along the topic of equality. Noted that it's a fairly vast topic, with many smaller sub-categories spiralling off of it. I guess to me, that's actually really helpful as it allows me to blog many times about many different forms of it, something I do thoroughly enjoy.
The idea of 'feminism' seems to scare some people, whether its down to education or fear of women actually achieving equal rights I honestly don't know. But nevertheless, there is really fear in some people. It really saddens me how oblivious some people are to the actual concept of it and how some truly believe that its women trying to take over. I must insist that, if you do fall into the category of being uneducated on the concepts and beliefs of feminism, you go away and educate yourself before continuing reading this post.
In my experience, it's the very issue of inequality from which most double standards sprout from. the typical 'men should be muscly' but 'women who are muscly are gross and manly'. Or maybe it's the things which you are not allowed to participate in for no good reason, solely due to your gender.
I'm not some professional psychologist but I understand my feelings (sometimes). I understand what makes me happy and what I could do without. As much as I don't know how to react or don't believe it, like most people I think, I love to be complemented. There's no getting away from the fact that someone being nice to you about your personality, looks or other aspects of yourself really makes you feel warm inside.
For instance, last week, I was complimented twice on my body, a very usual occurrence to me which made it even sweeter. The two comments were on the lines of 'I'm so jealous of your body' and 'you look in great shape at the moment'. I think it would be difficult to argue that these are unpleasant compliments. They were told with the intent to make me feel good and consisted of nothing disgusting.
It's times like these when, boys especially, usually get mad. With the argument that a girl gets pissed off when they 'compliment' them. And I can personally tell you, that if a girl gets pissed for this its usually down to one thing, the phrasing of your so called 'compliment'.
By all means compliment a girl but tell her what you feel in an appropriate way. What do you mean appropriate? I hear you ask. Well, I mean in a way that compliments her for her. All of these modern 'compliments' really aren't compliments at all.
Calling a girl 'sexy' (or something similar) IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. And as I say this I can almost hear the laughter of teenage boys. 'What do you mean it's not a compliment, I'd love to be called sexy by a girl'. Saying that someone is 'sexy' is saying that you find them sexually attractive, connoting that you would want to fuck them. 'Why does that mean it's not a compliment?' Are you, yourself, asking that right now?
I'll tell you why that's not an acceptable compliment. That's not an acceptable compliment because you are directly linking the beauty of someone to your desire to have sex with them. Reality check, girls are attractive in their own rights, they are not attractive so you can have sex with them. In the simplest form, your 'compliment' objectifies women to say that beauty and sex lie hand in hand.
Furthering that same point, you are also directly linking their beauty to their body. No one calls someone's face 'sexy', its a compliment purely about their body and how well it fits your standards, society's standards, the definition of 'beautiful'.
The main issue really is the connotations of the comments that are made. If you are complimenting a woman on her beauty in it's own rights then please, continue to do so. But, if you are complimenting a woman in terms of your sexual desires, that is not ok. Women are valuable in their own rights, not to be determined by your preferences.
Not only 'sexy' but other compliments. If by your compliments of 'hot', 'peng' or 'banging' you are subtly telling said person that you would have sex with them, is it a compliment? To be quite honest, depending on your relationship with the girl, they probably don't care. In the same way that girls don't wear makeup to impress boys (shocking, I know), they also don't look good to get sex. Yes okay, some of them probably do. Difference between the girls that do and the girls that I'm talking about? Age. It's my generation that are doing it for themselves. 13/14/15/16 year olds don't look good to impress or to get sexual attention.
A further point on this matter, there is literally no correct way to take a compliment. It completely depends on the situation, the person and their history. Please don't discourage a girl for not believing you, or, on the other hand, accepting your compliment. Girls (and boys too of course) have their own, individual reasons for reacting in the way they do in a situation in which they get complimented. Don't assume a reaction to your compliment before it is given. And, whilst on that point, don't assume that a person is entitled to do something for you because you complimented them.
If you compliment a person, in my opinion, it should be whole-heartedly to make the person feel good. Not for your own personal gain, whether its sex, modesty or to be complimented in return. And, to bring things to a close (because otherwise I will go off subject completely like always) make sure that when you do compliment a person (male or female, young or old) please keep it decent and before saying it, think to yourself, is this really a compliment?
--- Aimee ---
I guess this post is going to go down the same route as many of my other posts, along the topic of equality. Noted that it's a fairly vast topic, with many smaller sub-categories spiralling off of it. I guess to me, that's actually really helpful as it allows me to blog many times about many different forms of it, something I do thoroughly enjoy.
The idea of 'feminism' seems to scare some people, whether its down to education or fear of women actually achieving equal rights I honestly don't know. But nevertheless, there is really fear in some people. It really saddens me how oblivious some people are to the actual concept of it and how some truly believe that its women trying to take over. I must insist that, if you do fall into the category of being uneducated on the concepts and beliefs of feminism, you go away and educate yourself before continuing reading this post.
In my experience, it's the very issue of inequality from which most double standards sprout from. the typical 'men should be muscly' but 'women who are muscly are gross and manly'. Or maybe it's the things which you are not allowed to participate in for no good reason, solely due to your gender.
I'm not some professional psychologist but I understand my feelings (sometimes). I understand what makes me happy and what I could do without. As much as I don't know how to react or don't believe it, like most people I think, I love to be complemented. There's no getting away from the fact that someone being nice to you about your personality, looks or other aspects of yourself really makes you feel warm inside.
For instance, last week, I was complimented twice on my body, a very usual occurrence to me which made it even sweeter. The two comments were on the lines of 'I'm so jealous of your body' and 'you look in great shape at the moment'. I think it would be difficult to argue that these are unpleasant compliments. They were told with the intent to make me feel good and consisted of nothing disgusting.
It's times like these when, boys especially, usually get mad. With the argument that a girl gets pissed off when they 'compliment' them. And I can personally tell you, that if a girl gets pissed for this its usually down to one thing, the phrasing of your so called 'compliment'.
By all means compliment a girl but tell her what you feel in an appropriate way. What do you mean appropriate? I hear you ask. Well, I mean in a way that compliments her for her. All of these modern 'compliments' really aren't compliments at all.
Calling a girl 'sexy' (or something similar) IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. And as I say this I can almost hear the laughter of teenage boys. 'What do you mean it's not a compliment, I'd love to be called sexy by a girl'. Saying that someone is 'sexy' is saying that you find them sexually attractive, connoting that you would want to fuck them. 'Why does that mean it's not a compliment?' Are you, yourself, asking that right now?
I'll tell you why that's not an acceptable compliment. That's not an acceptable compliment because you are directly linking the beauty of someone to your desire to have sex with them. Reality check, girls are attractive in their own rights, they are not attractive so you can have sex with them. In the simplest form, your 'compliment' objectifies women to say that beauty and sex lie hand in hand.
Furthering that same point, you are also directly linking their beauty to their body. No one calls someone's face 'sexy', its a compliment purely about their body and how well it fits your standards, society's standards, the definition of 'beautiful'.
The main issue really is the connotations of the comments that are made. If you are complimenting a woman on her beauty in it's own rights then please, continue to do so. But, if you are complimenting a woman in terms of your sexual desires, that is not ok. Women are valuable in their own rights, not to be determined by your preferences.
Not only 'sexy' but other compliments. If by your compliments of 'hot', 'peng' or 'banging' you are subtly telling said person that you would have sex with them, is it a compliment? To be quite honest, depending on your relationship with the girl, they probably don't care. In the same way that girls don't wear makeup to impress boys (shocking, I know), they also don't look good to get sex. Yes okay, some of them probably do. Difference between the girls that do and the girls that I'm talking about? Age. It's my generation that are doing it for themselves. 13/14/15/16 year olds don't look good to impress or to get sexual attention.
A further point on this matter, there is literally no correct way to take a compliment. It completely depends on the situation, the person and their history. Please don't discourage a girl for not believing you, or, on the other hand, accepting your compliment. Girls (and boys too of course) have their own, individual reasons for reacting in the way they do in a situation in which they get complimented. Don't assume a reaction to your compliment before it is given. And, whilst on that point, don't assume that a person is entitled to do something for you because you complimented them.
If you compliment a person, in my opinion, it should be whole-heartedly to make the person feel good. Not for your own personal gain, whether its sex, modesty or to be complimented in return. And, to bring things to a close (because otherwise I will go off subject completely like always) make sure that when you do compliment a person (male or female, young or old) please keep it decent and before saying it, think to yourself, is this really a compliment?
--- Aimee ---
Wednesday 30 September 2015
Commuication of Ideas
Society. A major part in the lives of people today. Consisting of thousands of ideals and standards which have been created over time. These ideals sectioning of certain people into relevant groups. Issues which are very current being focused on. Society, of course, works hand in hand with the Internet, to get across these ideals, to further brainwash people with them.
It's always seemed rather odd to me how suddenly new thoughts can be forced upon us, dramatically changing how we perceive people, places and life as a whole. Sometimes there is no reasoning for these thoughts but we are told to shut up and just go along with them because it's easier than making a stand. Being taught from early on to just fit in, it's no wonder people have decided to accept how things are.
And this is ok. If there is no visible issue for you personally, why would you want to make a scene about it? Why bother causing a fuss when you can simply go about your daily life with no issues or problems, no change or difference? Fitting in is always nice, better to blend in with the crowd than be the one who stand out.
I think that people fear how they are perceived. They worry that they don't fit into what people class as 'normal'. But standing out comes in many forms. To have a different view doesn't need a huge gesture. You don't have to voice your thoughts in order to have them. The downfall of socety lies there, where people think you have to speak to have views.
There are many causes I support, many movements I am strongly in favour of. I don't know its down to my respect for others or my shyness when it comes to actually talking to people but I don't exactly voice my opinions very much. I have many, many views on things that the majority of people don't seem to have or at least have knowledge on. I guess the fact I don't voice what I think says something about the way soceity has influenced me to not be the odd one out. But the difference is, I have different opinions to what is considered the norm, even if I'm not saying it.
As I said before, it's fine if people are able to sit back, consume media and not have doubts or questions. It's fine if they have opinions which fit with that of 'regular' people. Obviously, each person has their own reasoning for what they think and why. But the minority also need to be considered. The small proportion of people who want to make a change.
I say change but obviously this comes in many different degrees. Some people want to make a big change. I for one would love to make a difference. I have lots of hopes and dreams about what an ideal world would be. Of course it will never be quite like I wish but it's worth a try.
People approach the idea of making a change in different ways. For a introvert such as myself, I prefer to voice my thoughts online, either by blogging or tweeting. Maybe one day I will have the confidence, experience and desire to speak more publicly about my views but for now I'm content with talking about things under my online identity.
The idea that people with different opinions to that of the norm is that they ram them down your throat, forcing you to listen to them is utter trash. It's simply not true. Take vegans as an example. Sure you get those who strongly believe that everyone should convert and desperately try again to get their point across, bombarding everyone with information. However, you also, and it's so important to understand this, get those who have thoughts, maybe weaker thoughts (but still thoughts) and don't try to make such a rapid change.
Personally, the major (and if you know me you will probably know this, especially if you follow me on Twitter) issue is inequality. I don't mean personally as in it is the issue that affects me most out of anything, because, although it plays a huge impact in my life, that is not the case. I mean in terms of what I try to voice opinions and get knowledge across about most.
There's the key point. With the Internet, sure it's easier to set up events to help out these causes but it's also easier to inform one a large scale. Many issues and causes out there need the informative side rather than the physically action side of things. People are much more likely to react and change if they are slowly informed by their own choice rather this being forced to feel a certain way.
It's the reason why people are factual when others disagree with their thoughts. Because it's more effective to give reason why to feel a certain way than to simple say that another opinion is just wrong.
I don't think people understand how important the Internet really is for imforming people of issues. People will say how 'one person tweeting about the wage gap won't stop inequality' and that's true. But this is missing the point. Yes, putting a stop to inequality would be great in an ideal world but the reality is, this is the real world, not the ideal world. Inequality will always exists, it would be silly to think otherwise but people don't understand we aren't trying to stop it. Like I said, yes it would be ideal but it's not realistic.
The point of sharing opinions on these sorts of things is to inform. That's what people need. While we are still functioning with our own thoughts we are able to change them due to what we see and hear. If we gather enough information our brains will register that certain behviours are wrong. And, on a wider scale, knowledge will cause a slow adapting change to how we view things. Bit by bit, our small gestures can change to mould of societies ideals.
--- Aimee ---
It's always seemed rather odd to me how suddenly new thoughts can be forced upon us, dramatically changing how we perceive people, places and life as a whole. Sometimes there is no reasoning for these thoughts but we are told to shut up and just go along with them because it's easier than making a stand. Being taught from early on to just fit in, it's no wonder people have decided to accept how things are.
And this is ok. If there is no visible issue for you personally, why would you want to make a scene about it? Why bother causing a fuss when you can simply go about your daily life with no issues or problems, no change or difference? Fitting in is always nice, better to blend in with the crowd than be the one who stand out.
I think that people fear how they are perceived. They worry that they don't fit into what people class as 'normal'. But standing out comes in many forms. To have a different view doesn't need a huge gesture. You don't have to voice your thoughts in order to have them. The downfall of socety lies there, where people think you have to speak to have views.
There are many causes I support, many movements I am strongly in favour of. I don't know its down to my respect for others or my shyness when it comes to actually talking to people but I don't exactly voice my opinions very much. I have many, many views on things that the majority of people don't seem to have or at least have knowledge on. I guess the fact I don't voice what I think says something about the way soceity has influenced me to not be the odd one out. But the difference is, I have different opinions to what is considered the norm, even if I'm not saying it.
As I said before, it's fine if people are able to sit back, consume media and not have doubts or questions. It's fine if they have opinions which fit with that of 'regular' people. Obviously, each person has their own reasoning for what they think and why. But the minority also need to be considered. The small proportion of people who want to make a change.
I say change but obviously this comes in many different degrees. Some people want to make a big change. I for one would love to make a difference. I have lots of hopes and dreams about what an ideal world would be. Of course it will never be quite like I wish but it's worth a try.
People approach the idea of making a change in different ways. For a introvert such as myself, I prefer to voice my thoughts online, either by blogging or tweeting. Maybe one day I will have the confidence, experience and desire to speak more publicly about my views but for now I'm content with talking about things under my online identity.
The idea that people with different opinions to that of the norm is that they ram them down your throat, forcing you to listen to them is utter trash. It's simply not true. Take vegans as an example. Sure you get those who strongly believe that everyone should convert and desperately try again to get their point across, bombarding everyone with information. However, you also, and it's so important to understand this, get those who have thoughts, maybe weaker thoughts (but still thoughts) and don't try to make such a rapid change.
Personally, the major (and if you know me you will probably know this, especially if you follow me on Twitter) issue is inequality. I don't mean personally as in it is the issue that affects me most out of anything, because, although it plays a huge impact in my life, that is not the case. I mean in terms of what I try to voice opinions and get knowledge across about most.
There's the key point. With the Internet, sure it's easier to set up events to help out these causes but it's also easier to inform one a large scale. Many issues and causes out there need the informative side rather than the physically action side of things. People are much more likely to react and change if they are slowly informed by their own choice rather this being forced to feel a certain way.
It's the reason why people are factual when others disagree with their thoughts. Because it's more effective to give reason why to feel a certain way than to simple say that another opinion is just wrong.
I don't think people understand how important the Internet really is for imforming people of issues. People will say how 'one person tweeting about the wage gap won't stop inequality' and that's true. But this is missing the point. Yes, putting a stop to inequality would be great in an ideal world but the reality is, this is the real world, not the ideal world. Inequality will always exists, it would be silly to think otherwise but people don't understand we aren't trying to stop it. Like I said, yes it would be ideal but it's not realistic.
The point of sharing opinions on these sorts of things is to inform. That's what people need. While we are still functioning with our own thoughts we are able to change them due to what we see and hear. If we gather enough information our brains will register that certain behviours are wrong. And, on a wider scale, knowledge will cause a slow adapting change to how we view things. Bit by bit, our small gestures can change to mould of societies ideals.
--- Aimee ---
Sunday 20 September 2015
Fighting Rapid Change
Changes occur is almost every aspect of life as we age. Day to day, year to year. The whole world is changing around us. But there's one change which has impacted the world massively. A change which has erupted over the past years. The changing of technology.
I guess it's a common thing for adults to dwell over. How things have moved so fast in such little time but I really think it's sad to see. It seems so weird to me that, at the age of 5 I was watching videos, playing with toys and listening to cassettes and nowadays, 5 year olds are using iPads, playing video games and watching YouTube. It sounds so pathetic, but things are changing so quickly and I'm not overly sure I like it that much.
Phones are another thing. I think I was 11 when I first got a phone. It was some crappy Vodafone flip phone but, at the time, it was all I needed. I was 11, all I needed it for was to ring people or occasionally text them. I was a child, too busy off playing in the park with my friends to need anything better. Saying that, there probably wasn't the option to have a better phone at the time. Smartphones weren't really in.
And I look at people now, some only two years younger than me. I see how different they are to how I was at that age. It scares me, it really does. How can technology change that much in a few years? It's all moving at such a fast rate, but why? And more importantly, when will it stop?
I don't know whether it's the fear or the nostalgia in me but I don't like it. Sure, you could argue that 'if you don't like modern technology then why do have social network accounts?' But I think it's all about social acceptance. Yes I know some people who haven't got a things like Facebook or Twitter or Instagram but, typically, they are people seen as the 'social outcasts'. Sometimes we don't do things for ourselves but to secure the acceptance of others in society. And also, despite what I say or anyone says for that matter, things aren't going to revert back to how they were.
No matter how much I long to still be in the days of videos, cassettes and flip phones, it will never happen. People see change as advancements, wanting to get the newest thing, to be trendy. But what as wrong in the past? Ok, I agree that technology is a wonderful thing. How you can talk to someone on the other side of the world instantly, how you can get in touch with old friends with a few searches. It's all amazing.
I guess my generation are the only ones who say that. Any older tend to believe it's all bad, too modern and any younger don't know any different. In many ways, That's what I'm thankful for. That, yes maybe technology is changing rapidly but at least I've known different. Don't get me wrong, I love some aspects of technology and they make some tasks so much easier to do but I don't really think that's its all necessary.
But there's so many negatives, with children especially. They are loosing a childhood. Technology may be changing at such a rate that it will be different by the time they reach the age of 10 but it will still be there. With global warming how it is, and rapid industrialisation due to forever gorwing populations, why are we not enjoying the outdoors while we still can?
In some ways, maybe it's just the newest addiction. Other generations had their addictions that would keep them occupied too. But, at the same time, it's taking over. At least in the past, the trends have been less powerful and controlling. With technology and social media it's completely different.
I realise how much this posts makes me sound like an old woman but I guess I'm torn. Tor pm between wanting to fit in and wanting to be my own person, between accepting the change and fighting back against it.
Books is another aspect which gets me. In my media class at school, it is commented on frequently how things are changing. My teacher picked up the modernisation of books the other day. He said, and I quote "why would anyone want to have books when we can own hundreds on a single kindle which we can take anywhere and read". This hurt me. I really don't know what it is about books that I love so much but I just do. There's something about owning books which I love. I guess it's one of the ways I'm desperately trying to cling to the past, trying not to give in to the pressures of technological change.
Over the summer I was in town a fair bit and one day I was waiting for a friend so I had some time to kill. I had my book of the time with me so I sat on a bench and read. The amount of looks I got of strangers was surreal. People looked at me as if I was mad or doing something I shouldn't. It's adults which are most against all these changes but it's also them who get weirded out when you aren't giving in to the changes.
I'm going to keep living in my own world. A world where I can read books and watch videos without being questioned. Where I can use aspects of old and new together while trying avoid getting sucked in to the bottomless void that technology is engulfing us with. I really hope that it slows down soon. I hope that it becomes socially acceptable not to move with the times. But, most of all, I hope someone, someday realises how robotic technology is making us and has the urge to question how we let this happen.
--- Aimee ---
I guess it's a common thing for adults to dwell over. How things have moved so fast in such little time but I really think it's sad to see. It seems so weird to me that, at the age of 5 I was watching videos, playing with toys and listening to cassettes and nowadays, 5 year olds are using iPads, playing video games and watching YouTube. It sounds so pathetic, but things are changing so quickly and I'm not overly sure I like it that much.
Phones are another thing. I think I was 11 when I first got a phone. It was some crappy Vodafone flip phone but, at the time, it was all I needed. I was 11, all I needed it for was to ring people or occasionally text them. I was a child, too busy off playing in the park with my friends to need anything better. Saying that, there probably wasn't the option to have a better phone at the time. Smartphones weren't really in.
And I look at people now, some only two years younger than me. I see how different they are to how I was at that age. It scares me, it really does. How can technology change that much in a few years? It's all moving at such a fast rate, but why? And more importantly, when will it stop?
I don't know whether it's the fear or the nostalgia in me but I don't like it. Sure, you could argue that 'if you don't like modern technology then why do have social network accounts?' But I think it's all about social acceptance. Yes I know some people who haven't got a things like Facebook or Twitter or Instagram but, typically, they are people seen as the 'social outcasts'. Sometimes we don't do things for ourselves but to secure the acceptance of others in society. And also, despite what I say or anyone says for that matter, things aren't going to revert back to how they were.
No matter how much I long to still be in the days of videos, cassettes and flip phones, it will never happen. People see change as advancements, wanting to get the newest thing, to be trendy. But what as wrong in the past? Ok, I agree that technology is a wonderful thing. How you can talk to someone on the other side of the world instantly, how you can get in touch with old friends with a few searches. It's all amazing.
I guess my generation are the only ones who say that. Any older tend to believe it's all bad, too modern and any younger don't know any different. In many ways, That's what I'm thankful for. That, yes maybe technology is changing rapidly but at least I've known different. Don't get me wrong, I love some aspects of technology and they make some tasks so much easier to do but I don't really think that's its all necessary.
But there's so many negatives, with children especially. They are loosing a childhood. Technology may be changing at such a rate that it will be different by the time they reach the age of 10 but it will still be there. With global warming how it is, and rapid industrialisation due to forever gorwing populations, why are we not enjoying the outdoors while we still can?
In some ways, maybe it's just the newest addiction. Other generations had their addictions that would keep them occupied too. But, at the same time, it's taking over. At least in the past, the trends have been less powerful and controlling. With technology and social media it's completely different.
I realise how much this posts makes me sound like an old woman but I guess I'm torn. Tor pm between wanting to fit in and wanting to be my own person, between accepting the change and fighting back against it.
Books is another aspect which gets me. In my media class at school, it is commented on frequently how things are changing. My teacher picked up the modernisation of books the other day. He said, and I quote "why would anyone want to have books when we can own hundreds on a single kindle which we can take anywhere and read". This hurt me. I really don't know what it is about books that I love so much but I just do. There's something about owning books which I love. I guess it's one of the ways I'm desperately trying to cling to the past, trying not to give in to the pressures of technological change.
Over the summer I was in town a fair bit and one day I was waiting for a friend so I had some time to kill. I had my book of the time with me so I sat on a bench and read. The amount of looks I got of strangers was surreal. People looked at me as if I was mad or doing something I shouldn't. It's adults which are most against all these changes but it's also them who get weirded out when you aren't giving in to the changes.
I'm going to keep living in my own world. A world where I can read books and watch videos without being questioned. Where I can use aspects of old and new together while trying avoid getting sucked in to the bottomless void that technology is engulfing us with. I really hope that it slows down soon. I hope that it becomes socially acceptable not to move with the times. But, most of all, I hope someone, someday realises how robotic technology is making us and has the urge to question how we let this happen.
--- Aimee ---
Wednesday 9 September 2015
My Rock
Three months ago, when I had just decided that I would set up a blog, I began a small book on topics I would like to cover. I'm not ashamsed to admit that I have barely written about the topics which first came to my mind and I probably wouldn't be able to list more than three topics on it. However, I do know that when I asked my friend, Nicole to write down any topics I should cover she simply wrote "Nicole". I will say that my imidate thought was 'why couldn't she have written something I could actually write about' but I've realised that she did write something I can actually write about. I could write about my love and appreciation for my dear friend Nicole.
Fast forward to the begining of this summer. I personally wasn't in a good place. I was feeling shit on a regular basis, exams were causing me to have several breakdowns a week, my 'friends' thought it would be acceptable to point out my flaws to me. Needless to say, it wasn't the best time. Somehow (and I honestly can't remember either how, when or why) I started getting closer to Nicole.
We would talk more about all the drama that was going on. I'd plan to meet her before and after exams. We'd get together to gossip about people and life in general. At the very beginning of the summer holidays, we spent two weeks straight (give or take a couple of days) meeting up, going to town, having sleepovers.
Having left pretty much all of my friends, we ended up going to prom together and she made it such an enjoyable night. And yes I guess I'm almost over the fact she ditched me whilst actually at prom. She is such an incredible and person and quite possibly the best person to spend time with. The type of person you can be completely yourself around.
I'm not quite sure I will ever believe that I have ever done anything good enough to have such an incredible best friend. She's one of the very few people I have ever been able to tell anything to. Not only can I talk to her about whatever but I can also talk to her whenever. I guess the relationship we have is the typical 'best friends' scenario but I honestly adore our friendship.
As much as I am trying to, I could never even come close to explaining what she means to me. I'm not kidding in the slightest when I say that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. And by that I don't mean at sixth form or with the friends I have, I mean here, on Earth. She has been my rock and I love her so much for it. It makes me so emotional when I think about, near the beginning of summer, when I was such a wreck. All I wanted to do was cry and just give up. Nicole being the absolute angel she is let me stay at hers and it cheered me up more than I ever though it would.
When I have days that I feel like utter crap she is there. Only ever a FaceTime, Snapchat or phone call away. I can't explain well enough how important it is to have someone like that in your life. She makes me laugh on a daily basis and keeps me strong. I know that she is not afraid to tell me when I'm being an idiot because sometimes it's what I need to hear.
Nicole is literally the most outstanding friend anyone could ever wish for. Yes we are mean to eachother about 100 times a day but it makes me so happy that I am that comfortable around her. It wasn't until I was describing her to a friend that I realised how I talk about her. Honestly, I'm not the nicest friend, all I ever do is tell her she is a dick and an idiot and just plain embarrassing. This being the case, I have fairly good reasoning for being so harsh to her.
The only way I know how to be 'a good friend' to people is through words and truth is, she won't ever accept my compliments. We've had a insulting-based relationship for so long she accuses me of wanting something if I'm nice to her. I'll tell her how gorgeous she looks and I'll be told off for being so soppy. If I send her a cute and supportive message she'll tell me how it makes her feel sick.
But it really doesn't matter how many compliments I give her because I could never repay her for how grateful I am to have her. She really is a fantastic person. I'm not afraid to say she's an absolute idiot. She does and says the stupidest things but, in all honesty, it makes my day. Without even trying she can make me laugh. She keeps me strong and happy.
Words cannot express how beautiful she is. She doesn't even have to try. Sure, she'll send me then ugliest snapchats possible, but she's still as gorgeous as ever. Everything about her is truly incredible. The bond we have is something I never, ever want to loose.
Now I know she may not believe it but she means the absolute world to me and I owe her so much. She has really been my shoulder to lean on when I've needed it, my person to turn to when I need advice. No amount of blog posts, letters or texts would ever do her justice.
She has literally changed my life. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her and, although there are days when I hate this entire crappy world and the people in it, I'm glad of that. Her smile lights up my world everyday and I am so extremely thankful to have her in my life. She really is the perfect bestfriend. I love her with all my heart and always will do.
--- Aimee ---
Sunday 6 September 2015
The Insecure Generation
Social networking. A way to instantly contact others. Quick communication, quick sharing. A real development in modern day society, correct? I guess you'd have to be quite shallow not to recognise the issues and problems which come with such commuication.
As a generation, we've been taught from very early on to be careful on social netoworks. "Don't give away personal details." "Don't talk to strangers." But, to be honest, are these the real issues we should be focused on? In my experience, there are far, far, far more issues due to things which are not addressed by enough people, especially the media.
With social networks such as Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook, looks are heavily looked at in this generation. You will always be judged on looks. People will tell you that "looks aren't everything" but this is bullshit. I'm not saying that this should be the case in any way, of course it shouldn't. It's totally wrong and creates such snap judgments of people which are hard to turn back on.
But, with such interactive and public networking, the bigger issue is far more relevant than just "staying safe." No, the issue at hand is self-love, or, as usually is the case, the opposite in fact, insecurity. In our generation, it is especially important issue to address and is so extremely relevant.
Teenagers of today have to deal with so much on a daily basis. So much stress. But, no longer is the stress all achievment based as there is so much stress in how you look. I say this as the main source of insecurity is appearance and it is also the main form which the media target (in complete the wrong way.) Of course it would be arrogant to pretend there isn't more reasons for insecurity. Reasoning such as grades, expectations and work levels.
I am aware that I have addressed the issues of both body positivity and society's expectations in the past. But insecurity isn't all about your body. Yes, it plays a major role but it's the expectations of insecure people that gets me. For example, if someone says they hate their body and then post an image of their body, it's called attention seeking? Shouldn't, instead of calling someone out for wanting attention, we be praising that they are struggling to come to terms with how they are despite what they feel deep down?
I personally have had many issues with insecurities. As I always am aware, I'm not the worst in the world. I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to attention seek, just simply stating facts. Saying that, I think anyone would find it rather hard to blog about a topic which they had no experience with at all. As well as being aware that I could be worse, I also know it's actuall, sadly, fairly common in today's society.
I have never been the skinniest. I have never been the prettiest. Never the smartest. At this exact moment in time, it doesn't bother me, I'm happy. My god have I been through hell and back to reach the point where I can say that. But it really is a struggle for most people to actual accept themselves. What others need to learn is that everyone has their own way of dealing with such issues. Some people indulge into using makeup. Others into a new hairstyle. Or perhaps a certain clothing style. So what? If it makes them feel comfortable let them do it!
We try so hard nowadays to get everyone's approval but the fact of life is there will always be people who disagree, no matter how hard you try. A personal favourite celebrity of mine is the wonderful goddess Jennifer Aniston. If you are not already aware, she was photographed out on a run the other day following arriving back from her honeymoon. The article sparked uproar as she was described as "looking more rounded than usual" and accused of "relaxing" her diet. It shocks me that someone could make such judgments on such a thing. Due to her being a celebrity, people are even more concerned about her looking good. But why? Yes, clearly due to all of her achievements and numerous films, she must be a shit actress, so her looks really are all she has.
The only thing worse than articles/statements going against self-love and acceptance is ignoring that there is a problem to begin with. So many teens, especially girls turn to things such as self-harm as a way to cope with not being good enough. No one on earth can try to convince me that that is ok. Sure the media can tell us figures and how sad the reality of it all is but who should feel sympathetic due to this knowledge. How can the media tell us how upsetting it is when they are the ones who are also telling us we are not good enough?
Moving away from the appearance side of this issue there are issues involving many other aspect of who we are. Personality, characteristics, opinion. In many ways these are far worse insecurities. Personally, I'm insecure about many of my thoughts. My opinions on topics such as feminism make me insecure. It sounds stupid, pathetic but how am I supposed to voice my opinions on such matters when I know the reaction I will get will be "well that's the way things are." My opinions won't be acknowledged, just shot down because it's easier to deny that there's a way to fix it than accept that it needs to be fixed.
Due to the very vaired levels of insecurity, it makes it hard for people to understand the achievment of something so little. For instance, two girls each post a picture of themselves in a bikini due to them liking the picture and feeling confident about it. Girl number one does this often, she often goes on runs, works on her body and is proud to show it off. She knows she will be accepted and congratulated on how she looks. Now, girl number two. She has suffered from a lot in the past, she has scars on her arms and legs from self-harm. She's never felt confident about herself but she's learning to accept it. She's proud also, but this girl is proud of her strength, of her courage. Of course to girl number one, the actions of girl number two is nothing incredible, nothing courageous. Moral? You have to understand the person themselves before you judge their actions or how brave they are.
Insecurity will not be fixed overnight, I know that. There will always be pictures posted of others which make you wish you looked different. But I promise you, no matter who you are, you are beautiful, you are incredible, you are remarkable. Not everyone is lucky enough to love themselves and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we may never reach that point. I guess the best we can do is find people who love us as we are and hope that one day we understand how right they are to do so.
By all means love yourself the way you are but, if I ask you for one thing, it's please don't, ever, knock someone else down as a way to bring yourself up. We each have our own definition of beauty and its ok if someone doesn't meet yours but please keep that to yourself. Don't upset others with your opinions because it only adds to the problem.
In a world where so many things are already against us, the least we can do is try to help, encourage and support each other. Don't ever believe that there is anyone out there who has no reason to be insecure. Being accepted by others is not the same as being accepted by yourself, understand that, please. If you want someone to love themselves, give them reasons why. Explain your reasons constantly. Tell them why you love them. Not everyone sees things the way you do so they may not agree but if you tell someone why they are so amazing enough times, there is a slight hope that they will, someday, believe you.
--- Aimee ---
As a generation, we've been taught from very early on to be careful on social netoworks. "Don't give away personal details." "Don't talk to strangers." But, to be honest, are these the real issues we should be focused on? In my experience, there are far, far, far more issues due to things which are not addressed by enough people, especially the media.
With social networks such as Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook, looks are heavily looked at in this generation. You will always be judged on looks. People will tell you that "looks aren't everything" but this is bullshit. I'm not saying that this should be the case in any way, of course it shouldn't. It's totally wrong and creates such snap judgments of people which are hard to turn back on.
But, with such interactive and public networking, the bigger issue is far more relevant than just "staying safe." No, the issue at hand is self-love, or, as usually is the case, the opposite in fact, insecurity. In our generation, it is especially important issue to address and is so extremely relevant.
Teenagers of today have to deal with so much on a daily basis. So much stress. But, no longer is the stress all achievment based as there is so much stress in how you look. I say this as the main source of insecurity is appearance and it is also the main form which the media target (in complete the wrong way.) Of course it would be arrogant to pretend there isn't more reasons for insecurity. Reasoning such as grades, expectations and work levels.
I am aware that I have addressed the issues of both body positivity and society's expectations in the past. But insecurity isn't all about your body. Yes, it plays a major role but it's the expectations of insecure people that gets me. For example, if someone says they hate their body and then post an image of their body, it's called attention seeking? Shouldn't, instead of calling someone out for wanting attention, we be praising that they are struggling to come to terms with how they are despite what they feel deep down?
I personally have had many issues with insecurities. As I always am aware, I'm not the worst in the world. I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to attention seek, just simply stating facts. Saying that, I think anyone would find it rather hard to blog about a topic which they had no experience with at all. As well as being aware that I could be worse, I also know it's actuall, sadly, fairly common in today's society.
I have never been the skinniest. I have never been the prettiest. Never the smartest. At this exact moment in time, it doesn't bother me, I'm happy. My god have I been through hell and back to reach the point where I can say that. But it really is a struggle for most people to actual accept themselves. What others need to learn is that everyone has their own way of dealing with such issues. Some people indulge into using makeup. Others into a new hairstyle. Or perhaps a certain clothing style. So what? If it makes them feel comfortable let them do it!
We try so hard nowadays to get everyone's approval but the fact of life is there will always be people who disagree, no matter how hard you try. A personal favourite celebrity of mine is the wonderful goddess Jennifer Aniston. If you are not already aware, she was photographed out on a run the other day following arriving back from her honeymoon. The article sparked uproar as she was described as "looking more rounded than usual" and accused of "relaxing" her diet. It shocks me that someone could make such judgments on such a thing. Due to her being a celebrity, people are even more concerned about her looking good. But why? Yes, clearly due to all of her achievements and numerous films, she must be a shit actress, so her looks really are all she has.
The only thing worse than articles/statements going against self-love and acceptance is ignoring that there is a problem to begin with. So many teens, especially girls turn to things such as self-harm as a way to cope with not being good enough. No one on earth can try to convince me that that is ok. Sure the media can tell us figures and how sad the reality of it all is but who should feel sympathetic due to this knowledge. How can the media tell us how upsetting it is when they are the ones who are also telling us we are not good enough?
Moving away from the appearance side of this issue there are issues involving many other aspect of who we are. Personality, characteristics, opinion. In many ways these are far worse insecurities. Personally, I'm insecure about many of my thoughts. My opinions on topics such as feminism make me insecure. It sounds stupid, pathetic but how am I supposed to voice my opinions on such matters when I know the reaction I will get will be "well that's the way things are." My opinions won't be acknowledged, just shot down because it's easier to deny that there's a way to fix it than accept that it needs to be fixed.
Due to the very vaired levels of insecurity, it makes it hard for people to understand the achievment of something so little. For instance, two girls each post a picture of themselves in a bikini due to them liking the picture and feeling confident about it. Girl number one does this often, she often goes on runs, works on her body and is proud to show it off. She knows she will be accepted and congratulated on how she looks. Now, girl number two. She has suffered from a lot in the past, she has scars on her arms and legs from self-harm. She's never felt confident about herself but she's learning to accept it. She's proud also, but this girl is proud of her strength, of her courage. Of course to girl number one, the actions of girl number two is nothing incredible, nothing courageous. Moral? You have to understand the person themselves before you judge their actions or how brave they are.
Insecurity will not be fixed overnight, I know that. There will always be pictures posted of others which make you wish you looked different. But I promise you, no matter who you are, you are beautiful, you are incredible, you are remarkable. Not everyone is lucky enough to love themselves and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we may never reach that point. I guess the best we can do is find people who love us as we are and hope that one day we understand how right they are to do so.
By all means love yourself the way you are but, if I ask you for one thing, it's please don't, ever, knock someone else down as a way to bring yourself up. We each have our own definition of beauty and its ok if someone doesn't meet yours but please keep that to yourself. Don't upset others with your opinions because it only adds to the problem.
In a world where so many things are already against us, the least we can do is try to help, encourage and support each other. Don't ever believe that there is anyone out there who has no reason to be insecure. Being accepted by others is not the same as being accepted by yourself, understand that, please. If you want someone to love themselves, give them reasons why. Explain your reasons constantly. Tell them why you love them. Not everyone sees things the way you do so they may not agree but if you tell someone why they are so amazing enough times, there is a slight hope that they will, someday, believe you.
--- Aimee ---
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