One Hell of a Year

2015, well its been one hell of a year, changes have happened by the dozen, I'm going to try to give a summary of my year during this blog post but, for now lets rewind to 1st January. I woke up on the hard, wooden floor of someone I had only met the previous day. I was freezing and was surviving on about an hours sleep in total. That day I really, truly believed that this would be 'my year'. I hoped for such potential and greatness, oh how wrong I was.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some great things happen this year, some really great things. Unfortunately these have been overshadowed by what can only be described as the worst year of my entire life. There probably were far more positives than negatives but in terms of effect on me, the  negatives had much of a larger impact.

I've always wanted something to actually happen in my life, something exciting or unusual for me. Up until this year I don't feel like anything significant really happened, just the same usual stuff day in day out. If I could go back I wouldn't wish to have an exciting life, I would feel content with my life, I would definitely not want any fucking drama.

Positive, positive, positive. Yes, many good things have happened this year, I'll begin with them. I finally finished Last Witness, which I had been attempting to finish for the months, if not, years. I also read The Longest Ride which was just the cutest book ever. After watching the film I decided to read The Lovely Bones, another brilliant read. (In case you missed them, I blogged about my feelings on both these books a couple of months back if you wanted to check them out.) Another of the books I read was Atonement, a rather unusual read for me but still very good nonetheless. As part of my English Literature course I have read King Lear and Death of a Salesman, both of which are fascinating reads. The current book I am reading is The Reader which, despite being heavily sexual in the first few chapters, is a brilliant and truly gripping book which I am hoping to finish in the coming weeks.

This year I have had numerous trips to the cinema. Earlier in the year I saw The Boy Next Door (seriously what the fuck was that movie, syringe in eye, ew ew ew) and Pitch Perfect 2 (there were seriously no faults, it was incredible although the worst cinema visit of my life but that's another story. During the summer I watched Ant-Man (my first marvel film and it was spectacular.) More recently I've seen The Visit (again what the fuck) and Miss You Already (I have never in my life cried so much at a film, it was absolutely heart-breaking) and yesterday I finally got round to watching Mockingjay Part Two (holy smokes it was one of the greatest films i have ever seen.) Aside from the cinema, I've also seen many films at home (mainly through Netflix). I watched Titanic, Forrest Gump, The Grinch and Back to the Future (1,2 and 3) again because why not. I watched many films for the first time; Bridget Jones Diary, It's a Wonderful Life (definitely a must see), About Time, Monsters University, Good Will Hunting, The Breakfast Club, The Notebook, Begin Again, What We Did On Our Holiday, Love Rosie, 6 Years, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Saving Mr Banks, The Best of Me, The Purge, Scary Movie and One Day. It's highly likely that I've seen many more films but I don't have the brain capacity to remember them all.

Personally, it's been a big year concert-wise, having attended five concerts in total (that's quite a lot for me.) In the first half of the year I saw Olly Murs and Luke Friend both of which were fantastic. Although not a concert, I attended Truck Festival during the summer (you can find a blog post about it that I wrote a few months back) where I first saw Slaves and also watched Clean Bandit, Lucy Rose, The Charlatans and Basement Jaxx. Unfortunately I had no more concerts until November in which I attended three in nine days, those being Imagine Dragons, Slaves and Scouting for Girls. All of them were flipping incredible and greats nights out. In terms of music, my preferences have changed quite dramatically with growing interests in bands such as Green Day, Neck Deep, My Chemical Romance, Blink-182 and Mayday Parade. I would definitely determine this as the year I've developed an independent music taste and listened to individual bands rather than listening to a particular genre as a whole.

As to not end this post on a sad and dark note, I'll go through the negatives now so I can come back to more positives before the end. Nothing really happened up until May that made me think 'crap things are getting so shit'. Before May I was happy (I use that term loosely as I'm not sure I have ever been happy with things for the past few years) but yes I was content, life was mediocre, not too much good, not too much bad. There are only two things I remember happening prior to May, well, two things that are worth mentioning. The first was that I stopped speaking to the guy that I had been speaking to on and off for the past few years. Luckily, we ended on bad terms so I didn't really miss him when we stopped speaking. The second thing was that, after 3 very painful and long years, I finally managed to get over the guy I had been in love with. The most unusual thing about it was all it took was my friend to tell me I had to move on for my feelings to rapidly vanish.

Around May time was the beginning of a downward spiral of things turning to shit. One of the most heartbreaking things happened around this time. And, I tell you if you want pain, watch your best friend cry when you can do nothing to help, the image will rip you apart. Of course I didn't want her to cry but it was her granddads (who was a really, truly amazing guy) funeral so I don't blame her, I cried my eyes out too. Prior to starting exams, my friends had made it clear that I was too sad for them to deal with and they stated they just ignored me because they didn't know how to help. Immediately I felt bad about how shit I had been feeling because it was effecting them although the majority of my feeling of this was how selfish it was of them. I had discussed a few times with one of my closest friends that I had looked into symptoms and behaviors of those with anxiety and told them I believed I also suffered from this. Although I hoped for sympathy and care, the response I got was that I hadn't been professionally diagnosed so it didn't count. I realized then that my friends didn't understand me and probably never would.

The weeks that followed provided me with two things; major stress from exams and my flaws being pointed out to me by my so called friends. Distraught is the only word suitable to describe how I felt by the continuing events although they did lead me to making one of the best decisions I have ever made. I decided I was worth better than the dismissal and negativity which they provided me and I walked away. At first it was easy, I spend various lunchtimes with other friends, it seemed I could just go on like this while I needed to. I wasn't overly bothered that I was now without a group. I didn't mind because I had individual friends who I could spend time with and, besides, if they were busy  or I couldn't find them I could always go sit in a classroom and revise, an option I chose a lot of the time, an option which lead to the most heartbreaking phrase I have ever heard. But despite my best efforts to stay away from the toxic people in my life, their comments did not disappear so easily. There could be another reason for it but to me, the reason i sometimes struggle to eat two meals a day is because it is engraved into my brain that I should avoid eating too much in case comments are again made.

I remember that I had just entered the canteen after the bell had rang for the end of lunch when I had seen my friend. She had asked me where I had been at lunch and I told I had been sat on my own to which she replies 'sorry I would have come but the group is here'. Those few words broke me more than any others I have ever heard. That was one of the last times I spoke to her. I didn't want to be some second choice, pushed back in priority over these new found friends. What hurt me the most was that I would have dropped my group in a heartbeat if  I needed to go help out or be with a friend who needed me, sure they would have said things in my absence but it wouldn't have bothered me, after all, I did have other friends who sometimes needed me.

Exams were a major part of this year and I am absolutely dreading AS exams this year. I really struggled to cope in the exam hall, it wasn't the exams but the environment. The thought that I will soon have to go through it again makes me feel ill. I don't think that having friends would have helped me dramatically but it would have been nice to have people there. I did have some people, about 3 or 4 I think but having already lost about 6, my mentality probably wasn't prepared for exam stress.

Over the summer many really great things happened; I had my first kiss, I took part in NCS, I went to a festival, I started a blog, I got a boyfriend. All in all, life was pretty damn great. For the third year running my family went on holiday with my bestfriends family, I went to visit family in Cornwall, it was a good time. Nearing the end of summer I believes that life was finally good again, all the shit had happened and the following school year would be bearable. Everything was fine, everything was great until about three weeks into term, until the shittest day of my life.

It was a school day so I wasn't mega excited but I had woken up feeling less tired than usual, ready for just another regular day. I had woken up to a message from one of the members of my old group, a letter of apology he called it, explaining how he finally realised the reason I had felt shit had been them and that he was sorry about it. I didn't forgive him because he has written that, I still haven't forgiven him but I think the main reason for that was because of what happened next. The day really was a normal day up until my third lesson. The school managers came to get me and I was very confused. I search my brain for why they would want to speak with me, what had I done wrong, who had I offended by accident, who was involved. I was sick with worry. It was explained to me (rather intimidatingly) that I had been posting severe negative thoughts about myself online and had been reported for posting suicidal thoughts. To this I was utterly confused as I hadn't posted anything recently that was anymore negative than usual and nothing I had posted had any direct meaning that I was suicidal. I was very confused until I was informed it was my old group who had reported me. It made sense then, I realized the reason I had been reported was because it was them who had discovered they were at fault for how I felt regularly and therefore they didn't want to be to blame if something happened. It was, in my opinion, entirely selfish.

This single event resulted in many changes. I had to speak to my mum about everything that had happened (I'm not one to share with family members my thought and feelings), I was signed up for school counselling, I grew a stronger feeling against my old group. I really didn't know how to act or feel or what the hell was going on. Luckily I had a fair amount of friends who helped me through this particular rough patch and I am ever so thankful to have them.

Since that dreadful day, things have got a lot better with very few negatives to talk about. I suppose the one thing worse mentioning is I found out one of my friends has cancer but even that is looking more positive now and she seems like she is going to be okay.

Twice this year I have had brief places in a group but I think I can now say that I'm better off without a group. So yes, positive things. Well obviously I started a blog up this year and I'm very happy I did because it has provided me with comfort when I have most needed it and allowed my to output my emotions into something worth while. I also managed to pass all the GCSE's that I took, something which I was very proud of, especially considering the events which occurred around the time of taking my exams. Another positive is that my friend and I started to watch American Horror Story, started being the key word as we are still on season two. I'm sure we will finish it at some point.

So, that was pretty much my year, a mixture of good and bad, days out, days in, laughs and cries It's been an emotional one and if going through all that has taught me any decent lessons then I could have done without learning them, I think i would have been happier. I am very much hoping for a more positive 2016, I'm sure it will be a great year because I have some truly amazing friends to spend it with. I wish you all a brilliant new year with lots of laughter and happiness.

See you all next year.

--- Aimee ---

You're All I Know

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now. Along with having other topics of which took priority over this one I never could find the correct words to fully explain my feelings. People have these things in their lives, those topics which just make them immensely happy, their obsession. No one really takes the time to even try to describe why they are moved in such a way or what brought this kind of love into their lives, it just sort of exists.

Imagine Dragons, that's who it is for me. Who makes me so happy, who I have indescribable amount of love for. My obsession, one of first obsessions, the band with a special place in my heart and life. I thought the title of this post (lyrics from The Fall) were quite apt, in many ways they are all I know.

I believe that, in this world there are two types of people. One type is those who have had their lives changed by music and the others are those who have not. I think you either understand or you don't. People speak of how a band or artist changed their life or saved them. To this many people laugh under their breath; they don't understand the reality of what these people are saying. For me there are a few bands which have had this effect.

I remember it vividly, the first time I listened to the band who I now place above any other. Well, I say vividly what I really mean is I remember who showed me their music and the place I was when I listened to it for the first time. What I don't recall is the year or the place I was visiting at the time (the place I was was a bus).

I would love to say that I was instantly drawn to them as soon as I heard Radioactive but I wasn't. In fact it was months before I listened to any of their music again. I had remembered the fact that I had quite enjoyed their music so I decided to check out some more.

Over the past few years I have listened to their music at various times. I guess I don't particularly have a single band or artist of which I listen to 24/7 because frankly I think I would quickly get bored of them. It sounds quite cliché to say they have helped me through tough patches of my life but it is true. They've been a constant, something I can always go back to and it will always be there. I need constants, its what I live off of. Imagine Dragons have always been there, reminding me that a hell of a lot of things might change but not everything has, a reminder of happier things in life.

I think I've needed it more than ever this year. Many, many, many things have changed and I've needed that single constant. It's helped me, cheered me up, got me through a hell of a lot. I'm so thankful I have had something to go back to each time, something to keep me sane in this insane world.

I would consider myself to be one of those people who really is moved by music, I often cry at moving songs and just last week I stumbled across the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I don't know if it was Dan's angelic voice or the beautiful song that they were covering. (Please check out Imagine Dragons covering With or Without You, it is beyond the most beautiful thing.)

There are many, many more things I could say about this incredible band but frankly I have other things to do (mainly write more blog posts) and also I'm running low on what to say other than oh my god I love them so much, my heroes. Before rounding this off I shall say one last thing, a short recollection of the most amazing concert of my life.

Amongst many memories which will stick with me from this, one in particular will always hold a special place in my heart. The day I saw my hero's perform live and it was breath taking. I'm trying not to focus on this point too much because there are literally not enough words. I would never be able to fully express how incredible that night was. It was perfect, I was in love with the music, in love with Dan Reynolds (but how can you not be to be honest, I mean have you seen his hair!?)

Ever since the concert, listening to The Fall has given me goosebumps and made me tear up every time I've heard it. When Slaves did Shutdown as their encore it was pretty spectacular but this was just something else. It was indescribable, the atmosphere was out of this world. The aspect of the concert which I am most thankful for is how happy I was. It was the first time in years that I was genuinely and completely happy and I am ridiculously thankful for the occasion, especially considering they were going to cancel due to Dan being ill (I think I would have cried for weeks.)

I hope to attend many more concerts in years to come where I can once again see the band that rescued me from the dark again but, for now I'll settle for YouTube videos instead.

--- Aimee ---

To Love and Not Be Loved

I'm sure you've all heard the saying 'don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't step over a puddle for you' (or something similar at least).

Bullshit. Sure, if you want to be part of a selfish love, friendship or relationship then, by all means don't do it. If you want the exact amount of love being received to that of which you are giving out then don't do it. If you want the security of viewing someone exactly as they view you, no more and no less, don't do it.

But, if you want to form the most magical friendships you will ever discover. If you don't mind putting your heart on the line for someone who may pass over you as if you are nothing more than a single leaf on the mystical tree of life.

The answer lies within the question 'what do you want to gain?' If all you want is for the other person to be happy then it's love. With love you don't care. You don't care about yourself. You don't care what you have to do for the other to reach their happiness. You will do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness.

You might want to rethink if you are forever going about your daily life by wishing in return what you dish out to others. Peoples minds work in peculiar ways, not everyone thinks alike. There are no rules about loving someone and the tough part of that is they might not love you back. What, just because someone doesn't love you back does that mean you can give them the world? Remind them of their perfection? Keep them happy at all costs?

Sure, when you top to think about things, it will really fucking hurt. You'll realise how much you do for others but you need to be like that, to be selfless. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't fucking matter. There comes a point when you realise that your number one priority isn't getting the love you give out in return but making sure the ones you love get all of what they deserve.

I know for me there are a few people in my life who I would literally do all I could for to make happy. I would cancel my plans in a heartbeat just to be with them. They don't feel the same for me and I know that. Yes, half of me is distraught by that and is constantly trying to wonder why but the other half of me doesn't care one bit. My worry is keeping them happy because I know there are a handful of people in my life who can make me so extremely happy but I cannot do the same for. I guess its to do with being part of the human race, the imbalance of relationships, the rarities of making a perfect match.

As for the people I cannot help, its not like I don't try. Of course I want to make people happy, especially those who deserves the world but I just cannot do it sometimes. it might be due to a difference in judgment or views on the world or maybe just because I don't have the words that they need to hear.

The sad reality is I don't think people realise how true some feelings are. I tell people the mean the world to me and I owe them so much and they just nod and smile. No, I'm not just saying it, its not like I have to say it, I really fucking mean it. At this point I would like to mention the three most remarkable people in my life; Sam, Sam and Jazz. I won't blabber on here about how much they mean to me because I would like to believe I have told them all on many occasions but no amount of thanks is ever enough if I am being perfectly honest.

There are two other people who I would help at all costs. Well, I say two but there are many more I would go to the end of the earth for but I hope they already know that. Two people who deserve the absolute flipping world and if I could contribute to that in any way I would feel like I really have accomplished something big, something important. And I doubt either of them are even reading this but Alix and Rachel, you guys know where I am whenever you need me, I promise to help with the slightest issue, always.

So anyways, moving back onto the original point; do things for people that they would never even dream of doing for you. Live without the fear of their rejection and distancing. I understand the pain of caring so much for someone who would probably leave if they stopped to think about things but there are two things you can do. You can either reach out and compliment them and tell them you love them and be there whenever they need you. Or, you can leave, watch them drift away, realise nothing you can say now will ever get them back. And on this you can choke on the thought of never seeing them smile again, never hearing their laugh, never share another memory, never even make small talk with. Sometimes you do just have to walk away, but if someone means the world to you, don't let them go without a fight please. I'm begging you, if you don't want to live without them by your side don't let that be a possibility. People wont always love you like you love them but whether or not they can live without your love for them is a different thing.

Just make sure you give them a reason to need you otherwise you'll be wide awake at 4am wondering why the hell you let them go, thinking of what you could have done to make them stay. I promise you, the pain of putting in the most effort hurts a shit load less than the pain of being without someone each and every day. It's nearly six months later and I still think the odd message or two could have saved this heartache and, more importantly, it could have saved one of the best friendships I have ever had.


--- Aimee ---

Realising, Reminding, Regretting

Of the many things that life has taught me, one has been more constant and repetitive in my life than most; the emotion of missing people. In my years on this planet I have lost many people. Although I have been lucky enough not to lose as many as some people have, it has still caused a great amount of hurt. I came to the conclusion prior to this that there are three forms of missing someone. I am going to call the three; realising, reminding and regretting. These three can be linked together or be completely separate from each other. There are not enough teachings of how much you will miss someone, either temporarily or permanently. Human friendships and relationships are the best thing that can ever happen to us. Sadly, at the same time they can be the reason we are up at 3am with teary eyes while we wonder how everything could have changed so quickly and wonder why the world is against us.

Realising
This tends to happen with those closest to us. With me, its my best friends and my boyfriend who I can associate this with most. It's the feeling when you don't need to see something which reminds you of them but they are always on your mind. You miss them whenever you are not with them; from the second you part to the second you are back together. The ache of this pain is awful but at least it comes with hope and security. You know that each time you leave them you will see them again. Yes, it will be ridiculously hard to be without them even for a short while but you will be reunited and everything will be perfect for the time you spend together.

Reminding
Personally, I find this most appropriate when I'm on any social networking site. I will simply be going about my daily routine and will come across a status or a picture and, as harsh as it may seem, I will be reminded of a specific persons presence. It's not that I want to but I often forget about some people who I have had in my life. I guess you could call them secondary characters. They're the ones who haven't had the biggest impact on your life out of everyone you know but, at the same time, your life probably wouldn't be the same without them.

I'd say that it is this one is the easiest to fix. All you need to do is send them a short message or leave a comment; problem solved. Saying that, it is only easy to fix if you are still able to be in contact with this person. If you didn't end on bad terms or didn't end at all. It really is lovely when you can just message someone you haven't spoken to in a while and things are just how you left them, it releases a sense of relief. Saying that, in my experience, it then makes me miss the person more. It sounds awful but I forget how certain people make me feel but then I speak to them and it all comes flooding back to me and I have to got through the same process again and again, the same thing each time.

Regretting
So the final type; regretting. I guess out of all three it is this one which hurts the most. This is the one which I have been able to relate to the most, the real reason I am writing this post I guess. I'm not quite sure I agree with 'regretting' it, it's more that I needed a simple work to describe it (and I wanted it to start with 'r'.) If I hadn't called it this I would have had to say 'the type of hurt where you lose someone forever and things will never be the same and everything you see which reminds you of them will make you cry over the pain which you have already cried over one hundred times before and you will never experience anything else as painful in your life'. But I kind of thought that would be too long for an overview of the pain.

There are many reasons why this happen and you could be aware of them or you could not. I have been in two major situations where this has been the case. One I was in control of and I was what ended the friendship, it was my choice. I don't regret breaking it off, it was beyond necessary, the relationship was toxic for me. However, I think the issue many people have is that they think that if you chose to end something it doesn't hurt, but let me tell you, it does hurt. It really fucking hurts. It takes months to get over it and even then you're not completely over it. It's not as though you know you're not over it, you really do think you are. You put it all behind you, move on, forget about it. But then, you come across a picture, a song, a memory and suddenly it's as though you're back to day one when all the pain became apparent. You feel like you want to just speak to them and apologise and tell them you want them back. Please, don't ever do this. Don't message them, they probably don't miss you and if they do, great, fantastic, they have realised how amazing you are and how awful it was of them to treat you like shit.

The second time this happened I've been told I am the one to blame. Clearly becoming uninterested in me and our friendship I got left on many occasions. I reached the point where I thought far too often 'if they wanted me in my life they would do something about it'. I don't know if I believe what I'm being told, that I should have fought for the friendship, I should have gave in. At the time I was tired, tired of many issues, tired of life, I didn't want to have to fight to stay in someone's life. I don't know if I should have done something different, I'm stuck in a paradox about the whole thing. Wouldn't I have just felt even more shit if was having to prove my worth to someone? I didn't want to be a bother and if I feel like I'm not wanted I will probably give in and leave. I can tell you now, the pain I have experienced since this is the joint worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

Hurt and pain don't even come close. It's indescribable. I'm reminded almost daily about this person in particular and some days it doesn't bother me but other days it all hits me at once. There are days where I say I don't care and I mean it, I don't care, I am content with the situation, I've moved on. These are the nicer days, the days I can smile and it can mean something, I'm fine. These are not the days I fear, no, the days I fear are the ones when I feel everything. I guess it's worse as I spent months believing I was absolutely fine with it, I wasn't hurt at all. I wonder how I can have lied to myself about this for so long. I guess it shows that you can convince yourself of anything if you think about it for long enough. But now, now it hurts. Not right now, not as I'm writing this post but in the past few weeks it has really hit me.

Pain either causes you to me emotional or emotionless, or worse, it causes you to be both. Each time something reminds me of this person I am overwhelmed with emotions. I tear up but, it's been months, I should be ok with it now so it's better not to show how I feel. I will smile and not mention it. Deep down I am being torn apart by the idea that I wasn't wanted anymore, why was I abandoned? The worst part isn't the pain, it's the even more painful truth. The facing of the fact that no matter what, I will never have them back. I will never laugh with them or hug them or even have a friendly chat with them again.

So maybe it's not the pain of missing someone which tears us apart. Instead, maybe it's the acceptance that thing wont return to 'normal', the understanding of the change and the heartache that moving on is the only option left.

--- Aimee ---

The Fate of All

As part of my English Literature course, my class attended a day of lectures in London a few weeks ago. The reason for the trip was to widen our knowledge on the theme of tragedy as this is the prominent theme for our current texts of which we are studying.

During one of the lectures a very interesting point was raised; why do people act like death is morbid and avoid talking about it, after all we all die in the end. I thought this point was tragically beautiful and more truthful than I had ever realised before.

It got me thinking, why do people wish not to talk about death? Why do humans act as if it is some escapable point in time?

It seems that the general view of life is to just ignore the obvious, pretend everything will always be ok. Why? Surely it hurts more to have a loved one die if you've never thought about the occurrence than if you have accepted that one day they will no longer be a living and breathing soul.

To me it seems like the only reason the topic of death can be acceptable is if its all happy and magical. It's like you are allowed to talk about it if you're referring to angels and heaven and all the nice things. Religiously, if that's what you believe then that's fine but, usually, with heaven also comes hell. Who mentions this often? In my experience very few people. It is within my knowledge that you cannot mention hell or the bad things of death without being labelled as a creep or as a dark human.

It links in well with 'emo' and other 'dark' music genres I guess. Very rarely is it stated by singers or bands anything out of the ordinary. People get so cruelly judged on their music taste because all the bands they listen to focus on death or negative views on life but why? We are all going to die aren't we? They are not encouraging death (at least not for the majority of the time anyway) or being offensive or stating they wish to kill people.

You will be frowned upon if you enthuse in theories surrounding death or similar points. A classic example is interests. Each individual has a variety of different topics and concerns which they spark an interest in. We all have them, a topic in which we could read and learn about for hours on end, indulging in information.

For some people, the topic they have an interest in is that such like serial killers or murders. At this, many people shake their head in disapproval or speak with fear. Why? Just because something interests a person it doesn't mean they want to do it. Not every human who finds murders interesting wants to become a murderer. If someone had a strong love for dogs, would people accuse them of wanting to be a dog? No? Didn't think so.

As an issue the viewpoints many people have frustrates me greatly. You shouldn't be able to call someone out on something they enjoy or find interesting, whether it be a topic, music genre, story, just because you view it as 'dark' and 'disturbing'.

The issue is, a high percentage of humans fear the truth. They want to believe that everything will be fine and everyone will be happy. This rarely happens. People don't have happy endings. Somewhere along the line someone you love will die, there will be heartache. Everyone dies and everyone does so with a certain degree of sadness in their life. No one will be happy forever. Bad things happen and there is no stopping this.

I for one find the topic of death interesting. I find I can't enjoy a movie unless there is at least one death. I relish in sadness and heartache. Maybe I'm sick, maybe I'm twisted but it's just the way I am.
No, I don't want to cause death by any means but the fate of it often crosses my mind.

Often I think about all the memories that make up my life and how, in a single moment, the people who helped me create them could be gone. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for this to happen but I feel as though I must prepare myself for the inevitable eventuality that one day it will. I guess it's my way of protecting myself from future hurt and upset.

I mean, hopefully I won't have to endure the upset too much. In my young life I have already experienced three horrific heartaches and the pain truly cannot be described. I don't want to relive that, or maybe deep down I do, honestly even I don't really know.

Yes, live everyday to the fullest and indulge in happy memories and pretty things in life. But also, don't be held up by the fact that everything could be destroyed in a heartbeat. I'm afraid if you want to live truthfully, one day you must scrap the idea that sadness is avoidable and we are inevitable.

--- Aimee ---