Always The Shy Kid

I'm not sure about you but, for me there are few memories I have of primary school. I don't particularly remember too much about the first few years of secondary school either. School prior to Year 9 is pretty much one big blur for me.

One big blur. A blur of school productions, school trips and endless learning. But there was one thing, one single thing which stood out. It wasn't my exceptional talent at subject nor was it my fantastic group of friends (of which I never had.) It was simpler than that. A short phrase used to describe me on more occasions than I can count.

No, it wasn't a nasty comment. Not a comment on my appearance, my weight, my face or my hair. And I'm sure that it wasn't a comment intended to hurt or upset me, no if that had been the case there are plenty of other things which could have been said.

I remember vividly, every school report without fail would contain the words 'Aimee is a very quiet girl who needs to contribute more to class discussions' (or at least words to that effect.)

Every single time. Every parents evening, every term's report. The same old thing. I never quite got it, always thinking 'they make it sound so easy'. I knew it wasn't something that would just happen, here we are 10 years later and slight improvements are occurring but nothing drastic.

It has always been something that bugged me. My classwork would be marked down purely because I didn't want to talk in class. Why? Does my knowledge have a direct link with my confidence because I really don't think it does. Ok, I do sympathise that teachers may not be able to judge your understanding of the subject if you are not inputting in class discussion but it shouldn't matter to the extent that teachers make out it does.

It really gets tiring being told to 'speak up more'. It's almost as if people don't realise it doesn't come that easy. They seem to think that telling you that you should do something will automatically make it happen. Granted that over the years some teachers have been more understanding than other but, despite their efforts, I think it's probably a lost cause in my case.

Last year this topic featured in one my lessons which I remember very well. As a class we were mentoring a younger group from a nearby school. My class consisted of fairly confident people, good group leaders, public speakers, people very different from myself.

Needless to say, the rest of us left the talking up to them on most occasions. This being the case, we all had to run our own sessions in groups. The week I had been dreading came, the week I had to lead the session. Despite my worries, all went well. They could have gone better but I was satisfied with it. Then came the trip back to school.

A short journey but one where the group would analyse how the session went. Then came the joke. The joke which has haunted me every day since. 'Oh my god Aimee, you actually spoke today' said in the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard.

It was that exact moment where I learnt that people don't understand. That comment hurt me in so many ways. People know their own weaknesses, I am aware mine is a lack of confidence. It's a shitty thing to do to point them out to someone, let alone make fun of them.

From that day on I've been faced with a decision, stay quiet and get the same old comments time and time again or speak up and get shot down and mocked for doing so. It's a difficult thing to get my head around if I'm honest. People want you to have more confidence and speak more but then, at the same time, make a joke of it when you do so.

It would be a lie to say it doesn't bother me anymore, being the quiet kid in class. However, it is true that it doesn't bother me as much. I guess it's like anything where I've just got used to it.

But, the thing is, people still don't understand. They don't understand how words can hurt even if unintentional. Sometimes it takes a heck of a lot of courage to just say a few words and, my god, does it hurt like fuck to be shot down.

I wish that that was the only comment I had received about my confidence which upset me but, unfortunately it wasn't. Why wasn't it? I could probably answer that in a couple of words. Easy target. Because, lets face it, the shy, quiet kid in class isn't exactly going to stand up for themselves if they get insulted are they?

I can't even begin to explain the amount of times I've wanted to say something, give my opinion, question a point given but I just can't. There is forever an overwhelming feeling of fear. I'm scared. I'll admit that. I'm absolutely petrified that if I make a comment which is seen as 'out of character' for me, people will start talking.

I've often wondered about other people. How some people find it so easy. Some find it easy to speak up others find it easy to judge. I don't understand it myself. Why the hell would you make fun of someone when they are desperately trying to become more accepted to you?

This year I've been a hell of a lot better, I know that. I don't find it as terrifying to speak up all the time, its slowly getting easier. But by saying it's getting 'better' I don't mean it's a piece of cake. I don't know how easy it is for people unlike me to understand the feeling. The utter fear to be wrong, to be laughed at. I can act like I don't care even when I do.

It's better in some classes than in others and that could be down to the teachers, students or class size I don't know. I am thankful that something has changed, and I don't know what it is that has but something has and its making things slowly improve.

What sticks out to me is this, every single time it got called upon, it would be under 'improvements to be made'. Now, I never really thought much of that but, looking back over it today, I realise how horrible that is. I know now that every teacher who said it had my lack of confidence down as a weakness. That they all wanted me to change to be better. Who ever said that confidence made you a better person? The two don't go hand in hand.

It's not a lifestyle choice, a skill or anything else, it's part of my personality. I shouldn't be seen as being 'not as good' as the people who share my levels of intelligence but who happen to have the confidence that I am lacking. Please, base my grades on my knowledge not my confidence, they won't equal the same result.

In my opinion, you should thank your lucky stars if you have the confidence to speak what you think without also having the crippling fear of being judged, talked about or mocked, it's not a nice feeling to be stuck with. If you are in constant fear, you will be ok. It's one heck of a tough battle but you will slowly improve, even if others don't acknowledge the development I am proud of you.

There always will be a 'shy kid' in class. Whether that kid is you or not, never mock them for speaking up. If anything, provide them with the water, the water in which they need to blossom into the most remarkable thing they can possibly be.

--- Aimee ---