To Love and Not Be Loved

I'm sure you've all heard the saying 'don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't step over a puddle for you' (or something similar at least).

Bullshit. Sure, if you want to be part of a selfish love, friendship or relationship then, by all means don't do it. If you want the exact amount of love being received to that of which you are giving out then don't do it. If you want the security of viewing someone exactly as they view you, no more and no less, don't do it.

But, if you want to form the most magical friendships you will ever discover. If you don't mind putting your heart on the line for someone who may pass over you as if you are nothing more than a single leaf on the mystical tree of life.

The answer lies within the question 'what do you want to gain?' If all you want is for the other person to be happy then it's love. With love you don't care. You don't care about yourself. You don't care what you have to do for the other to reach their happiness. You will do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness.

You might want to rethink if you are forever going about your daily life by wishing in return what you dish out to others. Peoples minds work in peculiar ways, not everyone thinks alike. There are no rules about loving someone and the tough part of that is they might not love you back. What, just because someone doesn't love you back does that mean you can give them the world? Remind them of their perfection? Keep them happy at all costs?

Sure, when you top to think about things, it will really fucking hurt. You'll realise how much you do for others but you need to be like that, to be selfless. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't fucking matter. There comes a point when you realise that your number one priority isn't getting the love you give out in return but making sure the ones you love get all of what they deserve.

I know for me there are a few people in my life who I would literally do all I could for to make happy. I would cancel my plans in a heartbeat just to be with them. They don't feel the same for me and I know that. Yes, half of me is distraught by that and is constantly trying to wonder why but the other half of me doesn't care one bit. My worry is keeping them happy because I know there are a handful of people in my life who can make me so extremely happy but I cannot do the same for. I guess its to do with being part of the human race, the imbalance of relationships, the rarities of making a perfect match.

As for the people I cannot help, its not like I don't try. Of course I want to make people happy, especially those who deserves the world but I just cannot do it sometimes. it might be due to a difference in judgment or views on the world or maybe just because I don't have the words that they need to hear.

The sad reality is I don't think people realise how true some feelings are. I tell people the mean the world to me and I owe them so much and they just nod and smile. No, I'm not just saying it, its not like I have to say it, I really fucking mean it. At this point I would like to mention the three most remarkable people in my life; Sam, Sam and Jazz. I won't blabber on here about how much they mean to me because I would like to believe I have told them all on many occasions but no amount of thanks is ever enough if I am being perfectly honest.

There are two other people who I would help at all costs. Well, I say two but there are many more I would go to the end of the earth for but I hope they already know that. Two people who deserve the absolute flipping world and if I could contribute to that in any way I would feel like I really have accomplished something big, something important. And I doubt either of them are even reading this but Alix and Rachel, you guys know where I am whenever you need me, I promise to help with the slightest issue, always.

So anyways, moving back onto the original point; do things for people that they would never even dream of doing for you. Live without the fear of their rejection and distancing. I understand the pain of caring so much for someone who would probably leave if they stopped to think about things but there are two things you can do. You can either reach out and compliment them and tell them you love them and be there whenever they need you. Or, you can leave, watch them drift away, realise nothing you can say now will ever get them back. And on this you can choke on the thought of never seeing them smile again, never hearing their laugh, never share another memory, never even make small talk with. Sometimes you do just have to walk away, but if someone means the world to you, don't let them go without a fight please. I'm begging you, if you don't want to live without them by your side don't let that be a possibility. People wont always love you like you love them but whether or not they can live without your love for them is a different thing.

Just make sure you give them a reason to need you otherwise you'll be wide awake at 4am wondering why the hell you let them go, thinking of what you could have done to make them stay. I promise you, the pain of putting in the most effort hurts a shit load less than the pain of being without someone each and every day. It's nearly six months later and I still think the odd message or two could have saved this heartache and, more importantly, it could have saved one of the best friendships I have ever had.


--- Aimee ---