Realising, Reminding, Regretting

Of the many things that life has taught me, one has been more constant and repetitive in my life than most; the emotion of missing people. In my years on this planet I have lost many people. Although I have been lucky enough not to lose as many as some people have, it has still caused a great amount of hurt. I came to the conclusion prior to this that there are three forms of missing someone. I am going to call the three; realising, reminding and regretting. These three can be linked together or be completely separate from each other. There are not enough teachings of how much you will miss someone, either temporarily or permanently. Human friendships and relationships are the best thing that can ever happen to us. Sadly, at the same time they can be the reason we are up at 3am with teary eyes while we wonder how everything could have changed so quickly and wonder why the world is against us.

Realising
This tends to happen with those closest to us. With me, its my best friends and my boyfriend who I can associate this with most. It's the feeling when you don't need to see something which reminds you of them but they are always on your mind. You miss them whenever you are not with them; from the second you part to the second you are back together. The ache of this pain is awful but at least it comes with hope and security. You know that each time you leave them you will see them again. Yes, it will be ridiculously hard to be without them even for a short while but you will be reunited and everything will be perfect for the time you spend together.

Reminding
Personally, I find this most appropriate when I'm on any social networking site. I will simply be going about my daily routine and will come across a status or a picture and, as harsh as it may seem, I will be reminded of a specific persons presence. It's not that I want to but I often forget about some people who I have had in my life. I guess you could call them secondary characters. They're the ones who haven't had the biggest impact on your life out of everyone you know but, at the same time, your life probably wouldn't be the same without them.

I'd say that it is this one is the easiest to fix. All you need to do is send them a short message or leave a comment; problem solved. Saying that, it is only easy to fix if you are still able to be in contact with this person. If you didn't end on bad terms or didn't end at all. It really is lovely when you can just message someone you haven't spoken to in a while and things are just how you left them, it releases a sense of relief. Saying that, in my experience, it then makes me miss the person more. It sounds awful but I forget how certain people make me feel but then I speak to them and it all comes flooding back to me and I have to got through the same process again and again, the same thing each time.

Regretting
So the final type; regretting. I guess out of all three it is this one which hurts the most. This is the one which I have been able to relate to the most, the real reason I am writing this post I guess. I'm not quite sure I agree with 'regretting' it, it's more that I needed a simple work to describe it (and I wanted it to start with 'r'.) If I hadn't called it this I would have had to say 'the type of hurt where you lose someone forever and things will never be the same and everything you see which reminds you of them will make you cry over the pain which you have already cried over one hundred times before and you will never experience anything else as painful in your life'. But I kind of thought that would be too long for an overview of the pain.

There are many reasons why this happen and you could be aware of them or you could not. I have been in two major situations where this has been the case. One I was in control of and I was what ended the friendship, it was my choice. I don't regret breaking it off, it was beyond necessary, the relationship was toxic for me. However, I think the issue many people have is that they think that if you chose to end something it doesn't hurt, but let me tell you, it does hurt. It really fucking hurts. It takes months to get over it and even then you're not completely over it. It's not as though you know you're not over it, you really do think you are. You put it all behind you, move on, forget about it. But then, you come across a picture, a song, a memory and suddenly it's as though you're back to day one when all the pain became apparent. You feel like you want to just speak to them and apologise and tell them you want them back. Please, don't ever do this. Don't message them, they probably don't miss you and if they do, great, fantastic, they have realised how amazing you are and how awful it was of them to treat you like shit.

The second time this happened I've been told I am the one to blame. Clearly becoming uninterested in me and our friendship I got left on many occasions. I reached the point where I thought far too often 'if they wanted me in my life they would do something about it'. I don't know if I believe what I'm being told, that I should have fought for the friendship, I should have gave in. At the time I was tired, tired of many issues, tired of life, I didn't want to have to fight to stay in someone's life. I don't know if I should have done something different, I'm stuck in a paradox about the whole thing. Wouldn't I have just felt even more shit if was having to prove my worth to someone? I didn't want to be a bother and if I feel like I'm not wanted I will probably give in and leave. I can tell you now, the pain I have experienced since this is the joint worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

Hurt and pain don't even come close. It's indescribable. I'm reminded almost daily about this person in particular and some days it doesn't bother me but other days it all hits me at once. There are days where I say I don't care and I mean it, I don't care, I am content with the situation, I've moved on. These are the nicer days, the days I can smile and it can mean something, I'm fine. These are not the days I fear, no, the days I fear are the ones when I feel everything. I guess it's worse as I spent months believing I was absolutely fine with it, I wasn't hurt at all. I wonder how I can have lied to myself about this for so long. I guess it shows that you can convince yourself of anything if you think about it for long enough. But now, now it hurts. Not right now, not as I'm writing this post but in the past few weeks it has really hit me.

Pain either causes you to me emotional or emotionless, or worse, it causes you to be both. Each time something reminds me of this person I am overwhelmed with emotions. I tear up but, it's been months, I should be ok with it now so it's better not to show how I feel. I will smile and not mention it. Deep down I am being torn apart by the idea that I wasn't wanted anymore, why was I abandoned? The worst part isn't the pain, it's the even more painful truth. The facing of the fact that no matter what, I will never have them back. I will never laugh with them or hug them or even have a friendly chat with them again.

So maybe it's not the pain of missing someone which tears us apart. Instead, maybe it's the acceptance that thing wont return to 'normal', the understanding of the change and the heartache that moving on is the only option left.

--- Aimee ---